Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective

Straight Man Perspective

My younger brother is gay. Gay as laughter. Gay as the day is long. One of the finest moments in my life, and one of the greatest compliments anyone has ever paid me, was the day he felt safe to come out to me. He’s in his mid-30s now, but he’ll always be my little brother. And man, I love that kid. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. And he just married a phenomenal man.

I was always predisposed to like his husband because, y’know, he’s my brother’s partner and therefore has automatic status in my heart. The wonderful bonus is that I really like him. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. He’s a cool dude to hang out with. He also stood by my brother like a rock when my brother had a life-threatening cancer that cost him his left eye.

They married in May. It was a wonderful ceremony in which I was honored to stand by my brother, supporting him in his vows. My eyes teared up like they always do at weddings. I had the joy of watching two people commit to a lifetime together. It filled my heart.

Folks started posting photos from the wedding on Facebook, and I proudly reposted photos of the ceremony (with me looking awesome in my new suit, of course). Shortly after that, I received this message from a FB friend:

“Hey David, I am removing you from my friends list…sorry man, that latest post is way over the top! Homosexuals joining in “Holy” matrimony…I don’t think so??? The Holy Bible speaks out against homosexuality and speaks highly of Holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It’s nothing more than a slap in the face to those who choose God’s Word, for homosexuals to join in a Holy marriage. I’m only defriending you so I don’t have to look at your anti-God stuff anymore…nothing personal!”


This came from a man I used to work with. A man I respect in his dedication to his family, and in his desire to live a moral and ethical life. A man with whom I have had some very interesting religious debates. He has become a Baptist preacher since we last spoke in person, and I suppose that makes this message unsurprising.

But, I was still surprised. I was taken aback. I needed a moment. I was hurt.

I was inclined to hurl some expletives in his direction.

But, only for a moment. He’s not really that important of a person in my life. I had actually at times grown rather tired of his Facebook postings…I don’t have a great need for fundamentalist dogma in my day. So, on some level, good riddance.

I sent him a letter at his church, expressing my disappointment in his withdrawal. I had a few friends read the letter before I sent it, to make sure that it didn’t contain too much bile. I’m not surprised that I haven’t heard back from him.

The situation got me thinking: What if this hadn’t been about my brother’s wedding, but about MY wedding? What if it hadn’t been from a distant friend, but from a beloved family member?


How many millions of gay kids (and adults) have had that exact thing happen to them? How many millions more will in the future?

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for that pain. I’m sorry for that rejection. I’m sorry for that isolation.

I’m straight. Straight as a yardstick. Straight as an arrow. I am in your corner. If I could take on that pain for you, I would.

I love you.

If you’re gay, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world.

If you’re straight, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world. And I charge you, I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with YOU as the target of rejection. Imagine the people closest to you telling you, essentially, “You are fundamentally flawed and I want nothing to do with you.” Our LGBTQ brothers and sisters face this everyday. Please don’t forget that.

The poor, misguided soul is no longer in my life. That’s okay. My brother and his husband still are. I just hung out with my brother a few weeks ago, and it was a blast. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. I couldn’t be prouder to call him my brother. I love him, and love wins, period.

Don’t forget to “Like” us on Facebook here.

Image by Ono Kono.

About allydavidstevens

Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Uncle. Nurse. Aspiring Kung Fu Fighter.
This entry was posted in Civil Rights, Family, Living, News, Politics, Prejudice, Religion, US Politics and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1,646 Responses to Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective

  1. cathmae says:

    I’ll say up front that I am completely in favour of people who love and are committed to each other being able to marry, if they choose. But what I really loved about your post is your affection and loyalty to your brother. It’s on the list of things that made me smile today!

  2. Katherine Fisher says:

    Dude, I wish you were my brother.

    I think all the “Christians” who believe they are “hating the sin, but not the sinner” don’t have a clue. Every day we LGBT+ hear stories, whether in the news or personally that shouts out “there is something wrong with you” or “you are less than me.” 4 marines were recently arrested for going to a gay bar and then beating up a patron. Members of my family believe I should not have the right to marry. My mother-in-law is just now working up the “courage” to meet me (she’s known about me for 9 years). The suicide rate for gay youth is higher than for straights, and it isn’t about being gay, it is about all the hatred put upon them by the anti-gay straights.

    Thank you for being you. Loving and supporting your brother is a big deal. Whether you realize it or not.

    • Sidney Crain says:

      You need to remind this “pastor” that as St. Paul stated in Romans: “Though you commit yourself to the flames, if you have not charity YOU HAVE NOTHING! This pastor is alien to the love of Jesus Christ and doesn’t know Jesus.

    • You are right hatred is awful and suicide is awful and so is persecution but its not all that simple. Religious views and hardship aside girls tend to have higher suicide rates than boys, and gay boys close to that of girls regardless of the acceptance of society. I really wonder why that is not saying that society doesn’t have a lot to do with it but is that really it?

  3. euphoranyc says:

    First of all, your ex coworker could have simply defriended you quietly. Is it really necessary to explain so negatively why he did it? Secondly, your calm response via letter is something to applaud. I may have not reacted so peacefully, being that a close family member was involved. So kudos to you. As for others, I feel like people like that should be simply ignored. No need to fight/explain. They don’t see it like you do, so what? As long as you are happy within yourself.

  4. lexy3587 says:

    You handled that much better than I think I could have. I’m glad it wasn’t someone close to/important to you and your family – it’s still terrible that he thougth that way, but better from a stranger than someone you genuinely care about, I guess. Congrats on FP – defiitely a worthwhile read 🙂

  5. robpixaday says:

    ((hugs)) for you and your family.

  6. Very nicely said. Thank you for sharing. And peace, love and long life to you and your family.

  7. Tom says:

    I second saddocus’s comment. Thanks alot for sharing!

  8. @Scotty, contrary to what you see, as in my errors here in misspellings; I am a prolific writer, and I am inclined to note your limited vocabulary in using profanity which denotes that I am discussing high minded things with a low minded individual. Since here I am not making a grade I have not need to be the “perfect” writer that I am. Hence, I am glad that the point i made is understood.

  9. Love is God’s greatest gift. If everyone used that gift then we wouldn’t have these issues. It is people like you that can make a difference in this world by using only love. Thanks for the story.

  10. Pingback: Randomly Scheduled Shout-Outs « this is the worst thing

  11. EntropySylph says:

    I just wanted to say, thank you for writing this. Not to get too personal with a stranger, but I came out to my family last year and it was horrible. My girlfriend describes what my parents said and did to me as ‘something out of gay legend’, something people hear of but hardly anyone experiences. Although much time has passed, and my parents and I still talk, my relationship with and trust in them is completely broken.

    None of my blood relatives will ever know about or meet my wonderful girlfriend. My grandparents cannot visit me, across the country at school, because of my girlfriend. I have long, hurtful arguments with my parents whenever I travel for the holidays, because I go to see her family too. And getting married…my family simply wouldn’t come.

    I just wanted to say, thank you for understanding. Thank you for being an amazing brother. Although my situation isn’t great, I feel better when I see that really, a lot of other families are indeed full of love and support for a gay member. It really made me smile to read about how happy and enthusiastic you are for your brother and his husband, in a completely uncomplicated, unhindered way. So thanks for that.

    • Sophia says:

      What does your parents reaction have to do with your OTHER family members? Your parents do not speak for everyone in your family, unless Grandma is feeling the same, but again, also not her life either. Gay-Legend is (almost) funny, as I can imagine how it went down. Parents who have such disapproval have not learned to let their children live their OWN lives. You have to wake up in the skin of your life, in arms of your love not other’s expectations of it. They will eventually come around, when they are old & need help getting into the shower-I hope it doesn’t take that long, but they need to think about their own future relationship with you when they make judgments on their adult child’s life (to stop arguments, simply stop arguing..state your reasons/case whatever and go on & let them catch-up! As for holidays, it is the same old debate all across the country, but I bet you’d want to spend the holiday with the people who accept you and your love, not fight about it!).
      Good luck

  12. william wallace says:

    The complexities of living / Via the mind are indeed great.

    One can lighten the burden by living via the heart / where
    one sees as understand the struggles of life all must face
    thus shower compassion on their brothers sisters rejoice
    when times be good to share the burden when times bad.

    One would expect christians as other religious groupings
    to live via the heart as they preach of Gods love or they
    being of christianity preach of the son of Gods love / his
    many examples in helping others /in forgivness to others
    when wrong having been done / they do not condemned
    ((such not to say that same sex relationships be wrong))
    ((one need not be forgiven because they love another)).

    The problem many be still in early stage of development
    where they live by mind / they being at the mercy of their
    thoughts / thus if they are having a bad day then all are
    going to have a bad day / they simply have not reached
    a stage of an opening the heart in allowing love to enter.
    One can only be of a most forgiving nature toward them
    they indeed live in a very dark world that deviod of light.

    The further stage of development of an opening of ones
    heart be that of meditation thus one’s turning the senses
    inward in an unfolding of the spiritual self // unfolding the
    essence of creation / in experiencing its power / not but
    the power of creation diluted in its manifestation through
    the material realm / but the great strength in its essence.

    If one is ready for such stage of development in ones life
    then on PC search put (words of peace) or put (words of
    peace global) on site a selection of videos in which Prem
    Rawat explains meditation of turning the senses inwards
    thus one’s unfolding of spiritual experience of a clarity it
    it answers all questions unto the very purpose of life that
    one’s ultimate goal the purpose of creation is discovered.

  13. anteaterkoh says:

    Great post.
    I think you are lucky to discover that that guy is not a true friend, just consider him a number on your facebook. Good riddance. I learnt this lesson the hard way. It’s slightly different from yours, I’m straight, just that my ex one day decided that our relationship was not God’s Will and ended without a good explanation. In fact, he was quite cruel in his breakup, branding me a bad daughter and will be a bad mother and wife. Even had the cheek to say that the bible speaks to him saying that he will burn in hell if he continued with me. What did I do to deserve that? A clue: My family has not converted to christainity so I am considered a useless fruit. From then on, nobody dared to sit besides me in church. In fact, I was asked to leave the church just because I ’embarrassed’ them, made everyone uncomfortable and he held more important post than I, he was a sunday school teacher while I was only a choir singer. Only my pastor and a member was kind enough to reach out to me but it didn’t help. It eviscerated me. So bad that I moved half a world away just to start afresh and forget my past. The problem: I had lived aboard for 6 years already and I couldn’t forget. I could not stay in any church long enough before panic started kicking in so I decided to stay away. I missed my family and friends very much but not enough to make me packed my bags home. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a limbo, not sure where to turn to next. They are so stauched into their faith I doubt they see others as fellow humans and judge people with their impossible standards. Nevertheless, congratulations for your brother who found his true love. 🙂

  14. Kim says:

    Your brother is so lucky to have such a great older sibling. Our world needs more people like you!

  15. CJ says:

    What a powerful and beautiful email. Consider yourself lucky to have that person out of your life. Thanks for sharing.

  16. John says:

    “Nothing personal.” Of everything else in his note, that one took a barrel full of brass. He’s your brother. Thanks for posting this, and thanks for the perspective. The world is changing, and I’m proud to know there are people like yourself who want it to be a less judgmental world.

  17. belgianchic says:

    To Amanda Jane: I really hope you’re a troll so you’d see that christians in this nation think its a theocracy and think that their rules should govern everyone else. think beign gay is wrong? try adn reconcile that if you’re gay,but if somebody else doesn’t think its wrong don’t stand in their way of happiness.

    • KievJoy says:

      I suggest you look through properly, quite a few of us Christians who you are slagging off, actually agree with gay marriage, there are also a few Christian pastors who would be willing to perform the ceremony. You are doing the same as you are accusing us of doing.

  18. inkfilledsky says:

    Reblogged this on inkfilledsky and commented:
    Today is Wear It Purple Day in Australia, where people are encouraged to wear purple to show their support of same sex attracted people. Here’s an interesting look at same sex marriage.

  19. Cheers to you. We can all learn from your example. All the best to you and yours. Congrats on being FP!

  20. let all people do or believe as they must… not pro or anti gay or pro or anti christian…..but i will fight anyone who tries to force me to be gay the same as ill fight anyone who tries to force me to be christian or muslim or whatever…………..let all people live in peace as long as they are not harming anyone else…………..

    • hktelemacher says:

      Yum, yum, taste that straw! Strawman is very straw-y.

      Because, you know, I missed that part where anyone tried to force anyone else to be gay.

  21. tlf says:

    Fantastic post – you earned my Facebook like!

  22. So lovely to see how much you love your brother and good for you for not trying to push him into the closet just because his being gay makes others feel uncomfortable. Have a happy day! ♥

  23. you love your brother very much, it’s no surprise you were very hurt with the facebook ‘defriending’ bit and have written a heart-felt post as a result. i’ve had similar experiences with facebook in the past, people do get upset easily when they’re being ‘defriended’ online, and it’s not the same as explaining the reasons for it in person or perhaps over the phone. i don’t like facebook very much because of this, it can create many bad feelings between people, its unnatural somehow to relate your feelings online, real friendships should go beyond that, major issues should be discussed in person if the friendship means something in the first place.

  24. busyellebee says:

    Wow. Just wow! The love and respect you have for your brother and brother-in-law is truly wonderful. I am sad to read that someone de-friended you because you posted a picture of what was obviously a wonderful moment in your life, which you kindly wanted to share with others. Perhaps, as you said, good riddance, however I ask, was your former friend ever truly your friend? If he wasn’t able to accept your brother, then how can he be anyone’s friend or a believer in God? His actions speak of a person who not only rejected your brother, his husband, but you as well – just because of your brother’s sexuality? He automatically rejects people based on his own bigotry and then has the nerve to preach the word of God?

    For every ‘statement’ in the bible that is against homosexuality, I can show you a statement that is pro-homosexuality. It is up to the individual to believe what they wish – your ex-friend choose to believe in homophobia, you chose your brothers and you chose LOVE. You are therefore a true friend. Don’t let any one say otherwise. Thank you so much for posting this 🙂 I hope that for the ‘friend’ you lost, your life will be blessed with 1,000 new true friends. All the best to you and your family.

    • Brawny71 says:

      It’s still notable that in 2012 people are “amazed” or “wowed” by this man supporting his brother. It should be obvious. Reminds me of Anne Hathaway’s quote (about supporting her brother), “I’m not being ‘brave’, I’m being HUMAN.”

      • busyellebee says:

        Actually Brawny71, I was both wowed and amazed by evoL’s beautifully written and thought provoking post. My entire response, I hope, is friendly, non-confrontational and supportive, which is not the ‘message’ I got from you.

        Like the Good Samaritan, it’s human to show love and compassion to strangers. Try it, it’s great!

  25. kazza169 says:

    I am neither for or against gay marriage (if anything I am more in favour), but I am absolutely appalled at the supporters of gay marriage who jump down the throats of anybody who says something opposed to their cause. I dont agree with personal insults or vicious barbs, but if somebody has something serious to say (even if we disagree) then they should be allowed to say and others should listen, and logically argue back. It is only by talking amongst ourselves that we can all grow through mutual understanding – though I guess at times, people will never agree – then they just have to accept each other. Gee whiz, here in Australia, if you state that you are not in favour of gay marriage, you are virtually condemned as a homophobic monster with no soul or heart – yet to be opposed to gay marriage is a plausible and defendable position to take – lets take it as an opportunity to talk to each other and seek understanding…..

    • Doug says:

      How is denying civil rights to an identifiable group of people ever ‘a plausible and defendable position to take’?

    • Brawny71 says:

      I think many gay and pro-gay people have been MORE than patient with people “whose views differ” from theirs. If someone said you couldn’t or shouldn’t be with YOUR spouse, would you have any use for that person? To give another example, if someone said he/she was against interracial marriage, or belonged to a Restricted country club, I could be CIVIL to him/her just as a human being, but that person is racist, and I don’t have friends who discriminate. And NO, it is not up for debate or discussion. You either support equality or you don’t. Yes, I’m intolerant–but only of intolerance.

    • Keith, like any civil rights, this is not a position that can “grow through mutual understanding” because it is a simple issue, do all citizens have the same rights or not? If the answer is no then it is because a group of people have been singled out as unworthy of these rights. What amount of arguement will get a supporter of equal rights to change their mind on this? And sorry, if you are not in favor of gay marriage then you are, to some extent a homophobe. Homophobia like sexism and racism is discrimination and if you say that gay people are a special class of people who cannot enjoy the same rights as everyone else then you are discriminating against them and treating them as second class citizens.. What is your plausible defense for discriminination, please do try to persuade me.

      • darnytoads says:

        To give an example – homosexual marriage says I have a right to something based on behavior. I have never been against holding out any perceived rights from any group, but only because I know our society really isn’t interested in intellectual debates. We just want what we want – which is fine. But one may consider that there are many scary philosophical underpinnings in the “gay movement” (forgive me if that is not pc). For example – born that way – biology determines ethics? Interesting. I’ve never met anyone who can give a positive example of biology determining ethics (eugenics might be a negative one, being lenient on a murderer who is mentally disabled is a positive one). Another example: Sexuality viewed as non-malleable, wow every other one of us addicted to porn will hope for a malleable sexuality, there is no sex offender who woke up one day and decided to be a sex offender, but that doesn’t mean there is no hope for slowly shaping their sexuality. Anyway, that’s the only frustrating part for me the lack of anyone talking about this in a deep way. Pleasantly, I pray that once all rights are distributed in a way that everyone seems fine with, we might one day have intelligent discussions about this topic.

        • welltemperedwriter says:

          born that way – biology determines ethics? Interesting.

          Sexual attraction is an ethical position? Interesting. What ethic am I espousing by being straight?

        • Simon says:

          I too would like you to explain how being attracted to one gender rather than the other relates to ethics.

    • EndlessRepetition says:

      Keith, you are correct that it is important that we talk to one another and encourage mutual understanding. The alternative, of course, is zero-sum warfare. Just be aware that your opposition to same-sex marriages can be interpreted as pinning a “pervert” label on gay folk and justifying continued harm to them. Since the conflict over the status of gay folk is still very active with so many people expressing desires to reinstate laws that limit, sanction, criminalize, and incarcerate homosexuals, you can expect to encounter some defensive attitudes.

    • welltemperedwriter says:

      yet to be opposed to gay marriage is a plausible and defendable position to take

      If that’s so, one would think we’d have encountered some of these plausible defenses before now. And yet…

    • EricB says:

      “yet to be opposed to gay marriage is a plausible and defendable position to take” ?
      Oh yeah ??? Please explain… I’m quite dumbfounded.
      At any cost, the “plausible reason” based on what God or the Bible “said” 4000 years ago, is just total nonsense, and at all “plausible”. Try better arguments (if you have any, that is…)

  26. Take heart in the number of positive comments and likes for this post from strangers, not the one person you knew who clearly understood nothing about the fundamentals of friendship, love, humanity and understanding.

  27. Yvonne says:

    Wow I loved this, and agree, brilliant and beautiful post!

  28. I felt good after reading this…because I totally support the idea of letting people do what makes them happy and accept things the way they are…gladly! And LGBT’s are no ‘different’ people, its just that they have a different choice, a different decision that they have taken for their lives because it makes them happy.. and we all must be with them 🙂

  29. theyellowranger says:

    Great post. This is something I’m really passionate about so I have to applaud you for supporting your brother and loving him so dearly. It shouldn’t matter who you love and it’s unfortunate that some people out there seem not to understand that.

  30. yourothermotherhere says:

    I’m proud of YOU!

  31. I love this post!

    Love always wins! 🙂

  32. isabellacrm says:

    Dear Ally David Stevens,
    Thank you so much for this post! I had an especially rough day and you gave me hope, simple as that. It’s nice to come home after having been tackled with absurdities (I started organizing my very first student protest today, just so you have an idea of how tired and aggravated I feel today) and sit down in front of my laptop with a bar of chocolate and your wonderful post to read.
    Again, thank you, here’s a heart for you ❤ 😀

  33. I have never before heard a straight guy speak so staunchly, eloquently and lovingly about a gay person he loved. I wish I had had the luck to know someone like you.

  34. parusbarbara says:

    God bless you and your family!

  35. marcys says:

    I sincerely hope you told off The Defriender really well. May you be as eloquent as Bill Clinton in your righteous anger, you good man!

  36. thespacebetween2 says:

    Tim your latest post is finaly trying to at least sort of be reasonable but you did not leave that other guy alone when he first stated his opinion. So that was not an example of atheists leaving others alone with their opinon, and every one on your side called that guy judgemental or worse, that is not living and let living, us christians would not even have spoke up if the atheists had not been judgemental in the first place. As for the nicer lady “Yvonne” thumbs up for being a hell of a lot smarter than Mindy etc! You can aruge about how this guy expressed his opinion, for me he was not nasty in anyway, it would have been a LOT different if he had said something like “your bros a fag” but he didnt so was very professional and inspirational in the way he befriended someone who he felt, rightly or wrongly, was promoting gay porn. As for mad mindy, well here is another one for you: \

    Just to put the other side of the even coin to you.

    • John Mann says:

      Another wide stance Republican heard from!

    • hktelemacher says:

      Yes, in the friendliest, Mr. Roger-iest, most gentlest way possible his “friend” let him know that his opinion is that the brother’s wedding is a slap in the face to God. You know, it *is* true that prejudice is just so much better when you do it in a nice way! Truly “inspirational”!

      • thespacebetween2 says:

        ok he should say ” I do not agree with the wedding as I believe god doesnt agree” no mention of slap in the face, and if you trully respected the guys right to have a voice you would not feel the need to deny him the right to say he doesnt agree with it, and thats why he is unfriending him. He doesnt need to say slapped in the face, but he did have a right to explain himself why he was unfriending, unfriending without saying why would be far ruder in my opinion.

        • windycitytarheel says:

          In no way are the unfriender’s rights “denied” by calling out intolerance on this blog. No one is saying he can’t hold his beliefs, or even share them. He has the unabridged right to unfriend every person who posts a “pro-gay” message on Facebook, and send a notice telling them why he’s doing it. He, however, does not have the right to be free from ridicule and condemnation by those who believe his note is intolerant and ignorant. This line of thinking that equates criticizing someone’s opinion with restricting their free speech is intellectually dishonest, and detracts from real cases where free speech is restricted.
          Just as you are free to voice your opinion of the blog author here, for his take on the original comment, and others are free to respond with their views. Hooray for more speech!

          • thespacebetween2 says:

            If he does not believe gay marriage as a thing “exists” then he is not being “intolerant and ignorant” to say that is actually slander, I agree that a person is not always free from ridicule or condemnation of their opinions, however wrongly accusing people of “intolerance and ignorance” without first PROVING they exhibit such things in fact a way of shutting down free speech via the backdoor, your saying “agree with someone 100% on an issue or else you are stupid, intolerant or ignorant” is in fact not at all tolerant nor is it condusive to open and honest debate, its not condusive to finding common ground or agreeing to differ. Would you still be calling this guy intolerant and ignorant if he had not unfriend people just told them he disagreed with calling it such instead he viewed it as a “loving union but not a marriage, he agrees with equal benefits via taxations for gay unions but doesnt agree marriage is the correct taxonomical term” if your answer is still yes then its you that maybe needs to be a bit less intollerant and ignorant and not look to hound people with slightly different persepectives than your own as that is the first step to physically harming people with different opinions is to falsely and without merit mock them and not allow them to repsectfully disagree with them. Hitler made people who where jewish wear a yellow star in schools to mock them and that attiude eventually lead to the burning of books and then the burning of people so too will being too hasty to call some one intolerant without proving why they are intolerant beyond “they hold a different opinion to me their-fore they must be intolerant” and all the laughable irony such sentiment exposes. Besides if I remember correctly wasnt it people that unfirended him once he expressed his view he didn’t think gay marriage actually existed, no matter what a piece of paper signed by a notary said. That seems slightly intollerant to me. People have a different taste for candy do not seek to force people to like their candy yet on this one issue we force people to call something they sometimes dont think of being a candy a candy. Others may think the definition of candy is flexible but some think its inherent. Why either position is somehow intolerant is what I find intolerant.

  37. ashanam says:

    Thank you. Very much.

  38. In my humble opinion, you are much better off without a ‘friend’ like that. It’s supremely ironic that the church wants to dictate who can love each other by spewing hate. I am not a religious person for that very reason. In the late 80’s my uncle, who was gay, died of AIDS. During the most horrible days of his battle, my sister (who was a member of a Baptist congregation), asked the minister to pray for him. The minister refused to do it. When my sister approached him about it he said ‘Well, THOSE people should know better. You get what you deserve”. What right do people with a hateful belief system like that have to judge anyone else? Seriously, you are better off without that person in your life!

    • jillinois says:

      I’m so sorry that happened to your uncle. I was a new nurse in the late 80s, and worked on a floor where we got a lot of AIDS patients. They suffered as much (if not more) from the abandonment as they did from the various horrors of the disease. I grew up in a very evangelical church- but I never thought it was my place to judge. Humans mess up God more than He ever could. 😦

      • KievJoy says:

        Like me Jillinois. When I worked in an HIV/GU clinic I was told by one of the members of the church I attended that I should give up that job and work somewhere else cos I was working with a load or perverts.

    • ecocyclist says:

      That’s a horrible response from anyone. In our churches (in the UK) we focus on love; God’s love for everyone and ours for each other. And there’s something about not judging each other too.

  39. wordalpha says:

    I really enjoyed reading this and I absolutly agree with you. Wherever you can find love is worth the scorn of others but then again people don’t deserve scorn and hatred for a gift as sacred as love. I urge you to read my first blog and read about my own experience with friends and there religious beliefs coming between us.

  40. wordalpha says:

    I really enjoyed reading this and I absolutly agree with you. Wherever you can find love is worth the scorn of others but then again people don’t deserve scorn and hatred for a gift as sacred as love. I urge you to read my first blog and read about my own experience with friends and there religious beliefs coming between us.

  41. thespacebetween2 says:

    Ally david stevens “I respectfully request that you cease your comments of this nature here, as the purpose of this blog is to create connections and promote peace.Thank you.”
    Where buddy do I actually attack your post? No I attack the narrow minded, prrejudiced baboons posting on your post. Your trying to patronise me? Your trying to sound nice? Fake. Bring people together? I never notice you censoring tim for insualting people, or the numpties who come out with crap like “your wrong, foolish” with erm no reasons….other than their opinion…. Your as biased as the day is long else you would post your patronising, onsided drible to me, you would post it to both sides….. But no you agree with the idiots calling people idiots cause their view is different, your just more coy about it. I would respect you a lot more if you had the balls to take on other points of view not just your own, your pathetic “plea” to me just shows how much becoming freshly pressed has stoked your ego, but I am a fucking good writer too, your not dealing with an inferior, my iq soically and mentally is far higher than those I put down, they deserved it for their blatnt hatred and threats of scriblling on the bibble, in tims case. My family would not have went to a weding of their gay relative, they have balls but I wasnt even judging you till you decided to take sides in something with very little to do with you. I too will become freshly pressed if the moderators dont find out I dont agree with gay marriage, then of course I wont get freshly pressed unless I write about how wonderful capitalism is. You have to be either pro gay porn or pro the rich to get freshly pressed it seems.

    Are you nuts “you are trying to promote peace” by having a headline that attacks a guy for standing up for what he believes in? You say you dont judge him, yet your whole tone is clearly whinning about him and saying “your not supprised he became a minister”… Yes your ‘so’ reasonable!
    For the girl with no debate skills, here is what a qualified, reasonable minded, educated, professional has to say about being gay ”

    So mabye you should rethink your beliefs after all thats all your opinon is, its not a fact, its a belief, which you can change if you want. I dont have to change mine, and your an idiot for thinking people with different opinions are “foolish”

    • allydavidstevens says:

      I do wish that everyone in the comment section would refrain from personal attacks. And you’re right, I definitely come down on the side of the LGBTQ community and am quick to step in when I perceive hatred being expressed towards them.

      I wrote this piece with the purpose of sending a message of love to the LGBTQ community, and your responses go directly against that, which is why I have come directly to you.

      So, like I said before, if you want to continue this conversation, let us (you and I) proceed in a private email exchange. Indicate here if you would like to do so and I will send you a message.


    • Scotty says:

      For being such a “fucking good writer” you might want to learn the difference between your and you’re.

    • John Mann says:

      You complain about name calling while calling others “narrow minded, prredujiced baboons” and complaining about “idiots calling people Idiots” making you a self-proclaimed idiot. You call yourself a “fucking good writer.” Really? “Onsided drible?” Is that anything like the mindless drivel that you post? “My family would not have went?” How about “My family would not have gone?” I could go on, but I would run the risk of becoming as tiresome as you. Allydavidstevens certainly was dealing with an inferior.

    • “but I am a fucking good writer too”…
      Okay, let’s see if this is true. Looking through your post I see the following errors:
      “Your trying to patronise me? Your trying to sound nice?” or ‘you are trying…” in which case the contraction for “you are” is “you’re”
      numpties (is this a word?)
      with erm no reasons (what?)
      Your as biased… again, You’re
      onsided drible (what?)
      your just more coy about it… and yet again
      your not dealing with an inferior… Wrong use again and really funny in this context.
      my iq soically… I.Q. (a.k.a. intelligence quotient) in no way measures social status.
      threats of scriblling on the bibble… Even without the misspellings, I have no idea what this means
      My family would not have went to a weding of their gay relative, they have balls but I wasnt even judging… Correct tense: would not have gone to a “weding” (wedding); wasnt (wasn’t)
      dont (don’t): several times
      whinning (whining)
      So mabye (maybe) you should rethink your beliefs after all thats (that’s) all your opinon (opinion) is… Run-on sentence; makes no sense.

      I would recommend spell-check and a course in Grammar.

  42. I found your post to be very moving. I had a long lost uncle that I never had the chance to meet in person, only a few FB exchanges and a phone call years ago. He was Gay and with those who he was not too familiar with, he was a quiet man. From what I have learned about him since his untimely death, he had a tough life growing up in California during the 70’s under the care of a Doctor who had performed on him many psychological experiments to “correct” his gayness. I think about that often and how those painful years must have affected him.

    Everyone needs to be loved. Your younger brother is a very lucky man to have found love in another man and to have such a supportive big brother. the loss of this former friend doesn’t seem to be much of a lost, especially when you have so many other wonderfully compassionate people around you.


  43. patricemj says:

    My favorite Jesus line, “Forgive them Father they know not what they do.” When people judge others, classify them as fit or unfit to belong, to be loved, these timeless words of JC settle me, center me, soothe my own righteous indignation. Jesus totally got that people, most of them, on some level behave as little children; that’s why, even though I’m an atheist, I love those words, because life, as far as I’ve seen, is populated with fearful folks trying to manage their natural human terror by killing the body, spirits and souls of those Others who frighten them.

    Forgive them, and don’t cloud your airwaves trying following their whereabouts on Facebook.

  44. Standing up for each person’s own opinion is one thing, but each of us does not have to put the other person down for it. If you don’t want to look at the things a person puts on Facebook, then don’t look at it. I personally know about experiences of other people’s hatred of me on Facebook.

  45. Pingback: Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective | evoL = « Critical Readability

  46. william wallace says:

    Basically one avoids their own faults by pointing out what they
    believe is the fault of others /one of first teachings of Jesus be
    that one takes the beam out of their own eye before passing
    judgement on such splinter within their brother or sisters eye
    or being Jesus coming across the woman that was to be killed
    via stoning (being accused selling her body) he asked those
    whom were free of Sin that they cast the first stone / none did.

    Where did the hate of SEX as true LOVE come from in such
    teachings of christianity it comes from time before christianity
    SEX a great coming together ( excuse pun) for human beings
    people then did know how to party. Christianity in the means
    to end such a free spirit / brought about as did before jewish
    mad religious ramblings that to party was evil / that a human
    form being evil /thus be born the human sexual guilt complex.

    What the cruel preaching of sex being evil did was to divide
    and conquer / the easily brainwashed told they would not be
    allowed enter some fictional heaven / that their punishment
    rather than heaven / they be cast in an fire eternal where to
    where left to go through eternal pain agony eternal suffering.

    Such nonsense was brainwashed upo the people fore many
    centuries / brainwased upon jewish people even longer the
    the first to hear the beginnings of christian future teachings
    reality of such teaching giving a few great power over many.

    For western nations the ability to read wtite was witheld for
    centuries / Church Authority believing with a education the
    people would then challenge their Church Authority having
    a education people then questioned the christian teachings
    thus for western nations many centuries in learning but lost.

    Christianity did not come as be born of love /it t’was forced
    on the people via appalling brutality / followed by centuries
    of torture as a burning at the stake for any whom daring to
    question christian teaching / question the Church Authority.

    Such above is not that Jesus not a gifted spiritual teacher
    in such that time its that his teachings were but twisted as
    turned any direction to aid those seek only worldly power
    jesus being born of a virgin etc / but being utter nonsense.

    What the chrtistian leadership do as having always done
    is to keep turning the hate malice in having upon others.
    thus no need find fault in themselves / thus being never
    in process of being cleansing of evil in a material power.

  47. Pingback: Spicy Chipotle Chicken Burgers (and some Thoughts) « annashortcakes

  48. saddocus says:

    The world confuses me. An alarming number of people seem to think marital love is the only type of love. Naturally a special type of love is necessary to bind the two aspects of humanity (male and female) together, so why pretend that a love between a man and man or woman and woman is anything more than friendship?

    • Mindy says:

      Exactly, eric. Homosexuality has been around as long as humanity – what are all these people doing acting like it’s suddenly something to be scared of? Goodness.

      • Amanda Jane says:

        I don’t think people are scared of homosexuality. I think it’s more that they’re disgusted with what they see as sin.

  49. em says:

    Interesting post.
    I’m not a Christian, in my religion these practices are not encouraged but at the same time we cannot judge people for their actions, ie being in a gay/lesbian relationship. Therefore I’m not against it, but I wish it wouldn’t be such a big deal that people feel they need to take a stand…for OR against. What people do in their personal life/personal decisions is just that- personal. I don’t understand why everyone is so focussed on making their opinions/ views known. If you don’t like it- keep it to yourself.

    In the same vein, I don’t understand why people identify themselves as gay. I mean since it’s a natural part of a person, why must they identify themselves using that characteristic. Why not focus on being whatever else you have worked I’m teacher and a mum, a social worker, a tennis player etc. I don’t understand why sexual orientation needs to be a defining factor. I’m not sure if I’m getting my point across correctly…

    I think it’s a good thing that he de-friended you because you don’t need judgemental/ discriminatory people like that. And a marriage is a pretty personal decision. I wish your brother the best. And I just wish the world was so much more tolerable with regards to so many issues….

    • Doug says:

      Em, it needs to be a defining factor because thats how we are defined by the majority – those who have social, legal and marital equality. Until it IS no longer a defining issue, then marginalized minorities must make a stand.

      And we define ourselves as gay because that is who we are. It shapes our language, our futures, our finances, our humor, our love, our shame, our self image, our friends, our work and our spirituality. It’s not all about sex and sexual orientation.

      But, even if it were just all about that, it still makes us part of a marginalized majority.

      It’s perhaps easy not to understand how important it is to the fibre of your soul if you have not been singled out for being outside the paradigm. Because, make no mistake, there is a paradigm that doesn’t include everyone. Yet.

      But, as more and more people like the writer emerge, it won’t be an issue anymore.

      Until then, we must identify as and stand for gayness for our own personal and social survival.

    • It’s natural to identify a group which adopts ideology or way of life outside the standard norms (then) by names. In olden days when religion was not yet recognised, people of religion are identified by names — the Christians, the Moslems, the Hindus, the Buddhists, etc. Philosophers are termed to distinguish those people with the non philosophers; cyclists with the non cyclists; writers with the non writers; and so on. Similar mechanism applies when humanity needs to refer to those who are homosexual. How else can you distinguish between man-man homo and woman-woman homo, other than be graciously thankful to those who discover the terms ‘gay’ and ‘lesbian’. Naming and having names are significant parts of natural disposition. In various religious literature it was even quoted that God introduced names to Adam. We need ways to identify things.

      Therefore the issue is not in the name or calling of names but in how people perceive to the name and calling of names. And usually perception is relative, unique from one person to another. The connotative or denotative meaning of a name emerges from norms and habits, which usually govern by individual belief system. Those beyond the common norms or way of life are generally perceived odd, and therefore, many people are tempted to question, or even argue, about it. It’s the nature. The question is, whether we are the kind of person who always bother to judge others and neglect our own personal development, or not. That’s up to each of us 🙂

    • Suzanne says:

      It is imperative to make a stand on such a personal issue because of the discriminatory and penalizing legal system in which we live. I get where you’re coming from, and in an ideal world such a thing would not be a talking point, a non-issue. In the US, in a state where gay marriage isn’t legal, a gay partner would have no end of life rights as regards their partners care, could be banned from being at their side by a prejudicial family. They do not recieve health benefits as most straight partnered families do, the social security benefits they receive upon retirement will not pass to their gay partner upon their death, while with straight partners it does. Prejudice against sexual orientation has many “real-world” penalties that we in the straight communty might not have thought about. I hadn’t. I was not raised in a way that would cause me to be prejudiced against anyone but bigots. I have very successfully raised my children in that same manner. We require that our people be good people, and that is most definitely enough. It wasn’t until I had the fortune of being befriended by a lovely client of mine, a gay woman that has been with her partner for 35 years, and learned about the struggles that they might face as they age together that I got how insidious this type of “acceptable” bigotry is. It is.. appalling. Heart-breaking. Just unimaginable. And you can’t be quiet about that . No one should.

  50. Evie Garone says:

    I think the man should have just defriended you if that was his choice. He does not have to judge and spout hate. If you choose to love and accept your brother more power to you. Perhaps what we all need is for this issue to hit close to home as you have had and then we would see it more open-mindedly and clearly! God bless you and your family!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s