Homophobia’s Cruel Mother’s Day

Posted on May 15, 2013 by

ImageIt was the Friday before Mother’s Day. I had published a blog piece on the nature of Mother’s Day and the celebration of all who feel mother love running through their souls. I was finishing up a high-tech piece at my desk at work when my work associate, Kathleen, approached. She politely interrupted me to ask a favor. “I may need to work altered hours on Monday, if that is okay,“ she started. “I have a memorial service that I need to go to.”

I must have looked a little startled at the request. She continued, “Oh no, it’s nothing. Well, it isn’t nothing; it was a very distant cousin of mine. One I hardly knew,” and then, almost under her breath, “It was a suicide.”

With that, my chair spun around and I said whatever feeble words one can say to that kind of news. My friend’s eyes filled with tears as she told me the story of her cousin, who we’ll call “Grace.”

Grace had been a bit of a rebel and a free thinker. The daughter of a conservative Catholic family, she ran with a wild artistic crowd. The days with that crowd left her with independence, and a pregnancy. Her single motherhood presented yet another contentious issue with her conservative family.

Now that she had a daughter in tow, Grace started a responsible life. The rift with her family did not start to mend, as it became progressively obvious that Grace’s daughter, “Glory“ (not her real name), was a lesbian. In the central California region where Grace and Glory lived, it was not only a distant family that they had to contend with, it was also the homophobic mob mentality of their immediate community. Glory was taunted, abused, and verbally assaulted constantly. She was open about who she was, with the support of her loving mother, but her coming out only intensified the hatred perpetrated toward her.

Glory finally reached her limit. Grace came home at dusk one evening and turned down the path toward their cozy home. There she found Glory, who had hung herself from a large limb of their prized oak tree.

As a parent, I cannot fathom the hurt and devastation that must have slammed Grace. I freely acknowledge that I love my sons on a deeper level than I ever imagined possible. They have connected me to a selflessness that has altered all the values I’ve ever held dear. Whenever I have empathized with the story of a parent’s loss of a beloved child, I find myself facing a cold debilitating darkness, a thought that if such a tragedy were to befall me, I might never recover.

And so it was with Grace. She went to that place immediately. Her family kept their distance from the tragedy, not wanting to deal with the “lesbian issue.” That night Grace set her home on fire, hoping death in an intense heat would offset the frigid state of her grieving soul.

Grace did not die. She was saved from the fire, but not from her pain. She returned to the lot, which now held the shell of her former house, a dilapidated fence, an old shack . . . and an oak tree. She took up residence in the shack.

A family friend came by every once in a while to check up on her, to make sure she was eating. One evening at dusk, the week before Mother’s Day, he found her. She had hung herself from the branch of the oak tree in the same spot where Glory had taken her own life.

My friend and I sat and looked at each other as she concluded the story. “My family is actually only distantly related to Grace. But her family won’t do a thing. No funeral . . . nothing.”

“You take all the time you need. Whatever you need, let me know,” I muttered before she walked away.

The story haunted me all weekend while mothers around the country were glowing in the love of their families. I could not help but be in awe of the horrible force that homophobia still exerts in our world. It is the force that inspires a mob to destroy a teenage girl, it is the power that drives a family to abandon a daughter at a time when she needs them most, and, worst of all, it is a hatred that through its destruction can turn the brightest, most unconditional love a human being can experience in on itself and into a dark and evil grief that devours every iota of life. A black hole that dissolves the spirit into nothing, it is a mother’s day turned into an evil night.

I saw my friend that Monday morning, the day after Mother’s Day. She was not supposed to be there. She was supposed to be at a chapel honoring her cousin Grace. She saw my quizzical look, and she sighed angrily. “I know. I am at work. They wouldn’t let us do it. Her family put their foot down. There will be no funeral, no memorial service for Grace.”

“No memorial? “ I said, as irritated as she was. “No memorial? Oh, yes, there will be a memorial.” With that, I opened a notebook and wrote the words across the top, “Homophobia’s Cruel Mother’s Day.” I lifted the page and showed my friend what I was going to do. She nodded. As she started to walk away, she turned and said, “Just don’t use their real names.”

Dedicated to Grace and Glory. Your lives will not be forgotten.

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Special thanks to Rachel Hockett for editing help on this article.

Posted in Family, Hatred, Living, Prejudice, Religion | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 56 Comments

My Mother’s Day Card to Gay Dads (and All Other LGBT Parents)

Posted on May 7, 2013 by

ImageRecently, author Jennifer Finney Boylan commented about her transgender experience: “After all these years, my own identity has wound up less altered than I had expected. It should not have been a surprise, perhaps, but the most shocking revelation after ten years in the female sex is that mostly I am the same person I always was, gender notwithstanding.”

Even without being transgender, I relate greatly to Boylan’s comment, especially when it comes to being in a male body during the holiday season of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. While I identify with the physical description of being a “gay dad,” the truth is, I am actually a parent who mothers and fathers. I do not make an automatic assumption on characteristics or abilities based on the gender of the parent. I know there are others, even in the LGBT community, who see things differently. They see two holidays, one that honors physically female gendered parents and one that honors physically male gendered parents. This viewpoint was dramatized in a Normal Family episode when one of the fictional gay dads has a hissy fit over being perceived as the “mommy.”

In the book An Anthropology of Mothering, editors Michelle Walks and Naomi McPherson state, “Through the consideration of the experiences of grandmothers, au pairs, biological and adoptive mothers, mothers of soldiers, mothers of children with autism, mothers in the corrections system, among others, it becomes clear that human mothering is neither practiced nor experienced the same the world over – indeed, even a single definition of what ‘mothering’ is cannot be formed by the contributors of this anthology. Instead, while ideas of ‘good’ mothering exist in every culture, the effects of colonialism and migration, as well as different understandings of and relationships to food, religion, and government play prominent among many other factors, including age, relationship status, and sexuality of mothers themselves, to affect what is understood as ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ mothering.”

I would add gender to that list. As a parent, I am, as Boylan describes, “the person I am” and my parenting qualities are really not genderfied. I seek to be the full-range parent to the best of my ability on all fronts.

As an LGBT parent, I felt disenfranchised this morning when I got a cheery email from an LGBT advocacy group I support. I want to make one point clear—the disenfranchisement does not bother me for myself. I am confident in who I am, and my kids are phenomenal with the love they express toward me. I am a lucky guy, among the luckiest on earth.

My concern here is for my kids and others like them in gay-dad-only, or lesbian-only, -led families. They are the ones left out in the planning, conversations, and excitement over one of these two holidays. They are perceived as the “oh, you don’t have one, and never had one” crowd. They get the message that their family lacks something. It is not true. Most are mothered and fathered, as nurtured and adored as any other kids. They need to be appropriately included in the celebration of all that is motherhood, and in the subsequent celebration of all that is fatherhood, and the people who do each.

The email I received stated “In preparation and celebration, we and the makers of [Corporate Sponsor[ are excited to announce the release of Mother’s Day e-cards that are inclusive of lesbian, bisexual, and transgender moms.” This campaign struck me as odd on two levels, the first being the exclusion of male mom figures in the gay community, and the marginalization of a set of moms who are likely to be recognized anyway, by calling them out by their orientations. I wrote a quick note pointing out my concerns and received a pleasant but confusing note in return, “Thanks for your feedback. We have a similar e-card campaign coming up for Father’s Day as well, since these are two widely acknowledged holidays where LGBT families sometimes don’t feel included. You are welcome to use cards from either’s campaign (Mother’s Day or Father’s Day) and to share them with customized messages to reflect your own family.”

I wrote back: “I think you have some good-hearted intentions, but are missing the mark significantly. You are correct that these are widely acknowledged holidays where LGBT families don’t feel included; however, in my opinion, your campaign intensifies the exclusion. I do not believe my bisexual and lesbian mom friends feel excluded on Mother’s Day; they are moms who rightly get the same recognitions that heterosexual moms do. The families who feel excluded are the ones like mine where there is no female parent, and my kids are guided in school to make a gift for some more distant female relative instead of the person they actually turn to for nurturing, love, and warmth. We have a community where the concepts of mothering and fathering are larger than physical gender characteristics. Your campaign, unfortunately, doesn’t diversify the status quo, it magnifies it, and seems to further marginalize women who already qualify for recognition on the holiday. Speaking from this gay-dad perspective, on Father’s Day, I really do not want a “gay dad” card. I am not ashamed of being a gay dad, but I am proud on Father’s Day just to be a father among all fathers, even ones who are biologically female. I would be thrilled to see you come out, for that day, with cards celebrating my lesbian sisters who bring strength, power, and fatherhood into their families, and recognize them on that day as well.”

I don’t have to explain any of this to my kids. They already get it. Recently, my son Jason was running from his brother and into my arms cheerfully screaming “Mommmmmmmmmy!” I looked at him quizzically and asked, “who are you calling for there, Boo?” He looked at me in a matter-of-fact way, “No one. That is not what that means.”

“Oh?” I asked. “What does it mean?”

“It means that I need help right away,” he explained.

“Got it, “ I replied. “And who do you go to when you need that?”

“You,” he said. And then he planted a big kiss on my cheek before running off.

On Mother’s Day mornings, my other son, Jesse, leads the way in bringing me breakfast in bed with flowers. He got the idea on his own three years ago at the age of seven. “You do everything their mothers do,” he explained at the time. “This is your day, too.”

So with that, I would like to send you an open Mother’s Day Card for all LGBT parents, including gay/bisexual/transgender dads. I offer this up as a Father’s Day Card for all lesbian/bisexual/transgender moms, as well.  Last, but not least, this is also for all single parents of either gender, and of any sexual orientation.

Dear Parent of the Heart and Soul:

“Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.” Kahlil Gibran

You personify a love that overcomes all obstacles, biases, and inequities.

We enter the season that honors the two aspects of your parenting and the love that you bestow to the world. That love becomes realized when you give yourself to your children.

You are mothering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you nourish, nurture, and shower affection. You sow the seeds of confidence, vision, and creativity.

You are fathering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you protect, guide with principle, instill values, and inspire. You sow the seeds of morality, leadership, and personal power.

In the real sense you are mother and father integrated into a seamless parenting whole.

During two days in the current months, we honor you, not as the perfect parent, since that entity is truly a myth, but as one who still wants to attain that status no matter how unrealistic it is. We honor you for the days when doing your best, with all good intentions, has to be the way it is.

You are magnificent. You are doing the most important work for which humanity can ask. You hold in your hands our future, and you deserve nothing less than dignity and respect at your back.

To quote the song, you are “the wind beneath the wings” of life. We thank you. Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Father’s Day. Happy You Day.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Living, Prejudice | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

A Gay Dad Challenges Mike Huckabee to a Basketball Game

Posted on May 1, 2013 by

ImageI have a confession to make. As much as I loathe clichés and generalizations, there is one that I live up to with incredible gusto. I typify the gay guy who doesn’t do sports. Not even a little bit.

From the pains of never getting picked for teams in PE to the days of racking up huge Trivial Pursuit momentum only to be demolished by the final Orange pie question (for those too young for the original Trivial Pursuit, that was the “sports” category), I am the ultimate sports nerd. I have owned that fact and I have loved it. I happen to look forward to going to the mall on Super Bowl Sunday. I have the place to myself. My Super Bowl was always the one where they gave out statuettes and guessed who designed the dresses.

Well. That was then, and this is now. My embrace of the nonsports gay guy within has been threatened to its very core.

Jason Collins has come out, and we, his gay brethren, realize that we can no longer afford to refer to basketball as “oh yeah, that’s the big orange one, right?” Don’t get me wrong, I think what Jason did is heroic and fantastic. It is just that now we . . . I . . . have to get serious.

It comes just in the nick of time for me. My younger son Jesse is showing a real talent for the game, so the dad in me will be out there bouncing a pigskin . . . er . . . un ballon de basket-ball . . . eventually, anyway.

I am feeling feisty, and now that I have decided to swap out my inner klutz for my inner jock, I need to find an opponent with whom to skirmish.

I found one. None other than antigay rhetoric hoop shooter, Mike Huckabee.

Mr. Huckabee should be a good choice. While he has overcome weight challenges in the past, and run marathons, he is also a few years older than me. He also apparently has downed more than a fair share of cholesterol-laden fast-food chicken. Plus, I figure that if he voiced a heinous opinion about the Sandy Hook shooting like “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?” I can gently remind him that God has systematically been removed in equal measure from the basketball court. I plan on carnaging him there like nobody’s business (especially after reminding myself about his idiotic and insensitive remarks). Here is my invitation to him:

Dear Mike,

You don’t know me, although you talk about me all the time as if you do. I am a gay dad. As you are probably aware, the LGBT world has now integrated basketball as part of its sphere. It is one of the more secretive clauses in the Gay Agenda. With Jason Collins as our lead, we are now full steam ahead.

So I would like to challenge you to a game. You pick the time, and I will be there. (I already picked the court; it’s a Supreme one with these nine cool custodians.)

I know basketball is near and dear to your heart, and we are going to have to discuss your strange viewpoint about the rules. Recently, you said on the subject of gay marriage, “On this issue, I recognize the culture is moving away from the traditional standard, but it’s almost like saying, well, we have a basketball team and nobody on the team can hit the goal that’s ten feet off the floor so we’re going to lower the goal down to six feet and that way everybody can slam dunk the ball. So the question is, have you improved your basketball game? Or have you actually just changed the standard so it looks like you’re doing better? And that’s my concern.”

That inability to truly understand the concept of “standards” is why you are going to lose. The LGBT team not only plays within standards, we stand up for those standards more than you do.

The American Sociological Association can act as our referee on this. They say, “Children fare just as well when they are raised by same-sex parents as when they are raised by opposite-sex parents.” In fact, they will tell you that not only do you not need to lower marriage goals and standards, but bring them on; they just make us better. Their point is “The research supports the conclusion that extension of marriage rights to same-sex couples has the potential to improve child wellbeing insofar as the institution of marriage may provide social and legal support to families and enhances family stability, key drivers of positive child outcomes.”

Following your thought process, you are saying that one team is going to be better at playing the game because they are the ones who have the greatest likelihood of bringing the ball to the court. Period. For no other reason. In your set of standards, sportsmanship, ability, and mature planning are irrelevant.

As we have seen from all the people who mistreat and abuse their basketballs, there is nothing that indicates that bringing a ball into the building correlates to scoring with it once they’re on the court. Nothing.

Regarding the issue of lowering the goal down from ten to six feet for us, don’t be silly. You have systematically tied our hands and legs and thrown us out to play by your rules for years. Not only have we stepped up, we have succeeded. A Cambridge study finds not only that gay-dad marriages are as ideal and in some ways better than others, they are also the most likely to seek out helping children in need of homes.

Score.

The fact is, your team has ignored and trampled standards for years. It is only after discovering that our team wanted to play on your turf that you suddenly started claiming that somehow, when we were the ones dribbling the ball down the court, taking our shot, and making a basket, that because of our anatomy, the game could no longer be called “basketball.”

Jason Collins has made it clear. We are in basketball now. Thanks to him, we are visible in the real-life kind. We are also visible in your analogous basketball kind. We will win at both.

Oh, and by the way, do you know what it’s called when a ball flies into the hoop and makes the basket without even touching the rim?

It’s called a “swish.”

That is something I can get behind.

Slam. Dunk.

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Special thanks to Rachel Hockett for editing help on this article.

Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Marriage equality, Mixing religion and politics, News, Politics, Prejudice, Religion, US Politics | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

A Straight Man’s Coming Out Story

Posted on April 27, 2013 by

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This story isn’t about me. Except that it is, because it’s all about me. Maybe some of you can relate to that.

I’m the black sheep of the family. The traditional path has always been tough for me to follow. When I was 19 I dropped out of college to pursue partying full time. This was hard for my parents, who always stressed the importance of getting that four year degree.

I moved out to Texas with a buddy so we could be Austin slackers, and the good times rolled.

After a few months my little brother came out to visit me. We spent the first day hanging out with my roommates, and later in the evening we had the apartment to ourselves.

We were sitting at the table, talking about this and that (I was probably trying to give him advice about girls), when suddenly he says: “I have something to tell you, and it’s really hard!”

Oh my god, I’m thinking, he’s gonna cut me out of his life. He’s gonna tell me that my divergent ways are too much, that he’s trying to live a normal life and that my influence is detrimental to that. He’s cutting me off. My little brother is cutting me off. What am I gonna do? I love this kid! What am I gonna do? WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

“I’m gay,” he says.

That’s it? He’s not cutting me off? I still get my little brother? Oh, God, what a relief! Oh, man, that was close…

It then occurs to me that he’s just made a huge confession.

“Really?” I say.

“Yeah.”

Just then I hear my roommate’s key in the front door. I lean over; kiss my bro on the head and say, “Okay. I still love you, you’re still my brother.” (It’s not until years later that I realize that this well-intended statement carried a hint of rejection, i.e. the possibility that I might’ve stopped loving him or disowned him. Alas, it was the best I could come up with in the moment)

That was it. We spoke at length that night. I had a lot of questions, pure curiosity since I’d never been so close to someone I knew was gay. It was cool, here’s my brother that I’ve always known, and now I know this whole new thing about him.

Pretty soon I was making sure that all of my friends knew about his revelation (with his permission, of course). I felt that his orientation upped my alternative cred. I think he found that amusing.

While this was no doubt a major event for my brother, it also marked a turning point for me. I had already landed in the ally camp, but now I had a dog in the fight. The struggle for LGBTQ equality was no longer just a theoretical issue. Suddenly it was about blood. Before this conversation, I had principles. But now, my principles had a focus, and a purpose.

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It is a big brother’s responsibility to protect his little brother, and while my brother is a badass and doesn’t require much in the way of protection, I still take that role very seriously.

I’m not a young Austin slacker anymore. I’m almost 40, I live in Portland, Oregon, and I have a family and a career. I don’t have a lot of free time. But I will stand up, any time, any day, to anyone who suggests that my brother or any other person of the LGBTQ persuasion is less worthy or doesn’t have the right to love who they love. I invite debate and discussion, and I make my best effort to see anyone I’m debating as a thoughtful and principled person, but just below the surface is a dragon’s claws prepared to tear up anyone who threatens my little brother’s well-being.

At the end of the day, I’m no genius, I’m no hero, I’m just a dude who loves his brother, and his brother’s people. Ally ‘till death. With dragon claws….grrr.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Prejudice | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

A Gay Dad Loses Sleep About His Nigerian LGBT Friend

Posted on April 25, 2013 by
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Transgender in Nigeria

I have a lovely friend.  She is a transgender woman who lives in Nigeria.  Her dream, at present denied her, is to be a professional dancer and actress.  In her heart and in her spirit, she is both.  As I think about her, I imagine the words and music from the song “Mirror and the Music” from the show A Chorus Line encompassing her as she goes to sleep each night:

“Let me wake up in the morning to find, I have somewhere exciting to go.
To have something that I can believe in. To have something to be…
God, I’m a dancer, A dancer dances!
Give me somebody to dance with. Give me a place to fit in.
Help me return to the world of the living…”

For the purposes of this article, I will call her Cassie after the character in A Chorus Line.  The reason for this level of anonymity should be obvious. In certain regions of her country, she is already considered a criminal for being who she is. Nigerians are waiting to see if their president will sign a bill already passed their congress that condemns any in a same-sex relationship to 14 years in prison. The same sentence would be authorized for LGBT activists of any orientation.  The country is also attacking privacy and spying on its citizens.

In Nigeria, I would be a criminal.  Chances are you, reading this, would be as well.

Cassie was born in Lagos, Nigeria, the oldest of three children. Her parents divorced when she was nine, and her mother became a pastor—an irony on two fronts: the Bible, which L’s mother claims as her ultimate authority, prohibits both divorce and female ministers. From Cassie’s earliest recollections, she felt out of place. “I felt trapped in the male body early,” she told me. “So many things were beautiful, I was doing great with my grades, my teachers loved the fact that i was a beautiful ‘boy’ and that I could dance like a female. My dad was wonderful on his part but I dared not even let him know the conflict that I felt inside.”

As she grew older, she stayed feminine, pretty, and soft spoken. This increasingly earned aggression and physical abuse from her military father, although it attracted several female friends who understood her instantly. When Cassie neared her twentieth birthday, she decided to tell her mother about who she was, a decision she regrets. “It marked the beginning of the persecution.” It was undeniably going to be a risk. Her mother had already let her know on a previous occasion that she “detested gays.”

Cassie tells about that night, “We were in her bedroom, just me and her. I told her the pain I had been going through for years, the sexual urges, the emotional and the psychological aspect, how I was transgender and if I didn’t do the surgery that I would still want to live my life with a guy not a girl. I could see the rage and hate written on her face. She snarled ‘So it was true.’ She didn’t say anything else but told me that she would ‘get back to me .’ I was saying to myself, ‘Is that it?, get back to me?’”

The house went quiet for hours. Cassie sat in torment not knowing what would come next. In the wee hours of the morning, her mother and her brothers summoned her to the back of the house where she was confronted. She would go first to a mental hospital they told her, and then to a church ward for rituals. They castigated and verbally abused her, and then beat her until she lay on the floor, bloodied and bruised. She fled the house, but did not get far.

They did not hold their shame privately within the family. It was communicated out to the full church roster, and she was held captive. The church members berated and abused her and she was subjected to an exorcism ritual for freedom from the “demon of homosexuality.”

Her life continued in this way for three years. Friendless and trusting no one, she contemplated suicide constantly. She finally found a different escape and entered a university a great distance away, in Ibadan, Oyo.

There she tried to find other LGBT but even many of them had internalized homophobic issues and her femininity made them unfriendly. She was in a relationship briefly, but that was too dangerous; one evening a car attempted to run her and her boyfriend down and kill them.

She moved to her own apartment, and decided to dress and identify fully as a woman. She was terrified, but felt compelled to be fully herself. Some who knew her before thought she had actually had her surgery, but she had not. She had the support of her dance professor, an incredible woman named Ify, who became the most important parent figure in Cassie’s life. Ify understood everything without being told. She taught Cassie how to dress, how to conduct herself, and most important, how to find her self-respect.

Cassie worked to fit in and not be suspected. Her efforts to stay inconspicuous and guarded worked for a while. Then one day, she was crossing the major street in town. Two policemen grabbed her arms and dragged her into a side alley. At first she just feared harassment, but when they started ripping at her clothes she realized that they intended to rape her. The horror of the violation was exceeded only by the deep abiding knowledge that once they tore her garment and revealed her naked body that they would certainly murder her on the spot. That instantaneous revelation brought forth a super human rush of adrenaline and she fought with strength and desperation. Her screams that she was being raped attracted enough commotion and activity that she was able to escape.

As she ran from her attackers, she found a new resolve and a renaissance of strength from within her. Never again would she place herself in such a vulnerable situation again. She now carries with her everywhere she goes a “highly concentrated insecticide which burns the skin.”

She sought asylum from one of the diplomatic foreign agencies. They did not grant her the protection she asked for or a way out of the country but instead put her in touch with an underground agency for whom she would work as an office intern. “We submit discreet reports to a global organization especially when Nigeria comes forward to claim that no LGBTI human violations have happened, when they in fact have, and they also want to claim that Nigeria is a safe place. The report submitted by us is always a conflicting report. We act as watchdogs without their knowledge.”

The agency she works for reports about the government’s statements of homophobia. The church community does not attempt to hide theirs at all. The primate of the Anglican Church of Nigeria, Nicholas Okoh, boldly stated, “You are already aware of the evil wind blowing across the Western world, by way of the homosexual agenda. They want to push it down everybody’s throat. And as far as they are concerned, it is a matter of human right. But God’s right is not discussed….The Biblical understanding of marriage will continue to be the basis of our teaching; we will not change that position. So… please, resist the Devil and all his works, and he will flee from you.”

“What an interesting choice of words. Not only does it invoke a visceral revulsion, it also ties gay rights to an act of violence.  Christian history is a flowing stream of new insight,” answers Jack of Christians Tired of Being Misrepresented.    “Our understanding and interpretation of Scripture has changed over time, and continues to change, as our understanding of the world God has made for us expands.  We choose to participate in the full life of Christian history, sharing the inspiration the Holy Spirit gives to us. We therefore see God’s embrace of LGBT people as the clear meaning of Scripture and the present culmination of the whole arc of Christian history.”

In the meantime, Cassie thanks her own strength and God’s grace in keeping her safe so far. She does not have a romantic partner because she does not believe she can trust one. Her only hope is a country where “we hope to see where everybody would be respected irrespective of their differences. In Nigeria, over here, it’s Jail the Gays bill while in Uganda, it’s Kill the Gays. If Uganda passes that bill into law, the Nigerian government would be encouraged to pass theirs. And if they do not, there will still be the silent persecution of LGBT in this country, and of me.”

As LGBT communities worldwide gain strength and voice, we need to demand our own governments intervene. We cannot be satisfied with hate crime protections on our own street corners when half a world away there are people like us who are persecuted or driven underground on a daily basis. We need to fight because they need us to.

When I go to sleep each night and think of Cassie, I try to only think of who she really is…the actress and dancer.  Not the actress she is forced to be, pretending that she is someone she is not, and not the dancer she needs to be to survive, ducking and weaving to dodge an oppressive and tyrannical state.  I think of her as the real her, a luminous Broadway star… cue music…

“One singular sensation, Every little step she takes.
One thrilling combination, every move that she makes.
One smile and suddenly nobody else will do…
One moment in her presence, and you can forget the rest.
For the girl is second best to none, Son. To none, Son….”

She is a hero to her people… and we need to be a nation of heroes to her.  We need to step up on her behalf and all LGBT.  So we can all sleep well at night.
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Special thanks to Rachel Hockett for editing help on this article.

Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Living, News, Politics, Prejudice, Religion | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

The LGBT Declaration of Independence

Posted on April 17, 2013 by
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Let the Revolution Begin

It was “Dad’s night out” as I watched the end of a huge Hollywood blockbuster.  In the movie, a fictional USA was in tatters having just overcome a violent and destructive enemy.  Many iconic landmarks had been ruined and lay in shambles, ready to be reborn and refashioned into a greater America.  The fictional president stood and gave the final stirring speech of the movie.  His words were full of ideals and principles about everything that makes America extraordinary, spoken in the language of the founding fathers characteristic of the Declaration of Independence on the brink of a revolution.  .

It made me start to wonder.  Where is the LGBT version of this declaration of independence?  Our community has been through a real-life version of this onslaught.  We have been attacked from all sides and every American ideal that we hold dear has been brought into question.  We have come to understand that many others consider us exempt from those ideals.

The election last November was the culmination of almost two years of intense public LGBT bashing and debate.  Over that period, indignations that LGBT lives had to endure were glorified on the right and scrutinized by the left.  The election itself was a watershed moment that raised new hope for evolution in the popular opinion.

Although government policy seems to be improving and polls show growing enlightenment in the populace, throughout American society LGBT citizens continue to be derided and demoralized.  From the denial of service of various wedding support providers to the most recent humiliation of a male married couple at the hands of a medical institution, one thing has become clear.  A war of humiliation has been declared on LGBT citizens.

As I sat in that movie theater, I yearned for a counter, and emphatic, declaration of war to be made on behalf of all LGBT Americans, a revolution in the name of human decency, so I wrote such a declaration myself.

I wrote it with deep homage to Founding Father and author Thomas Jefferson.  My goal was to stay true to his “voice” and extend that voice to the principles that drive our current civil rights movement.

I, therefore, humbly offer my fellow Americans:

The LGBT Declaration of Independence

When in the Course of Human Events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve their spiritual and emotional reliance which has subjugated them beneath a domineering majority, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the sharing of an equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s Higher Powers entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Man and Womankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation from destructive standards, nonsensical assumptions and demoralization.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Men and Women, no matter what instinctive companionship needs drive their emotional health or their spiritual intimacies within the age of consent, are created equal.  They are endowed by their Ethereal Core with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

–That to secure these rights, Societies including governments and a collective conscience, whether religiously or secularly designed, are instituted among Men and Women, deriving their just powers from the Consent within the Mosaic of integrated Lives,

–That whenever any form of Mob Elitism becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new ideals of Human Principles of decency laying their foundation on such Principles and organizing their powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the Safety and Happiness of all, not just a selected few. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Societies long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience has shown us, that Man and Womankind are more disposed to suffer conventional injustices, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they have been made accustomed from a long tradition of misogynistic and homophobic Assumptions. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such nonsensical Standards and to provide new Ideals for their future security.

–Such has been the patient sufferance of women and LGBT and other marginalized Americans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to reject their former Acceptance of perceived Inferiority. The history of the present heterosexist Patriarchy is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over any deemed outside of an arbitrary self-defined norm. Moving forward and holding with our independence from the previous destructive force in our lives, we declare that we expect the following as Society’s treatment of our community:

  • Henceforth, we expect the privacy of our individual physical beings be under our own determination whether for reproduction purposes or gender identification.  This includes how we have our children, where they came from, whether our safe parenting is worthy, and exactly what genitals are beneath our clothing.  You have poked, studied and inquired enough.  You are done.
  • We expect to be evaluated by our work and contributions and compensated fairly as compared to others providing the same work and contribution.
  • We expect the same level of public acceptance and respect as any other members of society.  We expect the same dignity for our family units that others rightly receive.  We expect the love and care we establish for our children to be as honored as it is in any other family.
  • We expect to be able to relocate anywhere in our country without having our family protections and stability disappear or be thrown into question.  A job offer in another state should not be the equivalent of divorce.
  • We expect a reasonable notion around the concept of “religious freedom.” The notion should protect all, ourselves included, to choose paths of self-spiritual growth.  It should never be applied in such a way as to tyrannize or dictate to others how their lives are to be lived or what legal protections they may enjoy. 
  • We expect the right to love and marry the consenting adult we want and who returns our affection with their own free will.
  • We expect the same right to home and family as heterosexuals have had.
  • We expect to earn a living and take responsibility for our lives as other citizens do based on our talents, merits and abilities.
  • We expect to be equal brethren to contribute and to receive from the common good.
  • We expect fair play and the chance to do our best.

We, therefore, the Members of the LGBT Community of the United States of America,  appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good people of this Society, solemnly publish and declare, that the LGBT Community of the United States is, and of Right ought to be, Free and Independent; that  our Community may live our lives in Peace and Contentment and to partake in all other life acts that other Americans may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Dignities and our sacred Honor.

 Sincerely, the underscored.  (To sign, please respond in the comment section with your name,)

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Special thanks to Rachel Hockett for editing help on this article.

Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Living, Marriage equality, News, Politics, Prejudice, US Politics | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments

Did You Hear the One About the Homophobes Who Wanted to Adopt Out Their 16 Year Old Lesbian Daughter?

Posted on April 10, 2013 by
Image

Image courtesy of LGBT Pink Panther Movement

Jokes are supposed to be funny.  They always start with a set up and then build to a crescendo where the plot twists and the listener bursts out laughing.    Last week a “joke” went viral, but no one was left laughing.

The “joke” was a piece titled “PARENTS PUT 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER UP FOR ADOPTION AFTER LEARNING SHE IS GAY”.  It came from a site called “The Memoirs of DEACON Tyson Bowers III”, and had previous iterations on the Daily Bleach and Christwire.  The site it came from had other “credible” material such as KENTUCKY MAN SUES MOTHER FOR NOT ABORTING HIM,  DANGERS OF PRIDE WEEK,  STUDY: LESBIANS MORE LIKELY TO EAT FISH, AFRICAN AMERICAN SCIENTIST INVENT SYNTHETIC WATERMELON and GAYS BUILDING SECRET PENILE SHAPED RESORT ISLAND.

The piece was written as humor…satire… but none of the 72,000 who shared it took it that way.  They believed it to be real.

Who could blame them?  The article described the mindset of a homophobic couple from “Southern Carolina” who upon learning their daughter was “gay”, sought to put her up for adoption.  Those who believed the story did so because even though it was fake, the mindset itself is painfully and horrifically real.

The story sped through Facebook and pages posted it, in most cases temporarily, only to take it down again with the apology that they had fallen for the hoax.

The most heart wrenching thing to observe were the sweet souls who were willing to step up to help.  Numerous people sought more information because they actively were looking to adopt the abandoned teen in question.

Here is some news for them, and for those of you who cared about the 16 year old girl in the fake story.  She exists.  The story was bogus, the situation was a lie, but she is the truth.  She is 16 and 15 and 14.  She is male, she is female and she is transgender.  Her parents did not try to adopt her out… they simply kicked her out, and slammed the door behind her.  “She” is our homeless lgbt youth.  She not only exists, she makes up to 40% of the total of all homeless teens, even though lgbt teens make up only 3% of the total population.

Writer Cathy Kristofferson researched and wrote an important piece in which she paints an accurate and urgent portrait of the LGBT homeless teen.  Of the disproportionate rate she states, “Simple.  Youth who come out to their parents are rejected by those parents at a rate of 50%, with 26% immediately thrown out of the house to become instantly homeless and many following soon after as a result of the physical and verbal abuse that ensues after their declaration.  Empowered by the gains in equality and acceptance with the heightened visibility the adult gay community has welcomed of late, youth are emboldened to come out at ever-younger ages while still reliant on parents who are a flip of the coin away from rejecting them.  Simple factors of 4 tell the story of parental rejection and its effect on queer youth homelessness:

  • 2 out of 4 will be rejected by their parents when they come out
  • 1 out of 4 will be kicked out by their parents when they come out
  • 3 out of 4 homeless queer youth will say parent objections to their orientation led to their homelessness

Youth homelessness is bad enough on its own but being queer further compounds the difficulties.  Devastating statistics like 62% of queer homeless youth attempt suicide only begin to tell the story of the additional hardship endured when compared with their heterosexual counterparts.  Queer youth experiencing homelessness are:

  • 3 times more likely to commit suicide, and 8 times more likely due to parental rejection
  • 3 times more likely to turn to prostitution and survival sex
  • 6 times higher incidents of mental health and substance abuse issues
  • 7 times more likely to experience sexual violence at a much higher risk of victimization by rape, robbery and assault “

So, yes.  There was an article passed around the other day, and thousands were rightly outraged and cared.  The article was a fraud, bur your feelings and mine were not.  We need to not focus on the tomfoolery of the internet and focus instead on the WHY, the reason behind our feelings.

The WHY is that there are real kids out there that need not only our indignation, but our action.  Last Christmas, I suggested reaching out to them in the spirit of the season.  Now I am suggesting it in the spirit of what is right.

If you wanted to adopt the 16 year old in the story, find the real her and adopt her.  If you wanted to send money, start a program, get involved, please do it.  If you felt passion around it, please channel that passion into action.

If we don’t, then the unreal story becomes real.  It becomes an allegory for the progressive community who chose to adopt out its youth in need.  We are better than that.  Let’s not have the next viral story be ours.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Living, News, Politics, Prejudice, Religion, US Politics | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments