Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective (Video)

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About allydavidstevens

Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Uncle. Nurse. Aspiring Kung Fu Fighter.
This entry was posted in Civil Rights, Family, Politics, Prejudice, US Politics and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective (Video)

  1. Pingback: How a Straight Guy Finally Understood What It Feels Like to be Attacked for Being LGBT -

  2. Pingback: An Evol= Video of Compassion Saves a Gay Man From Suicide:  a Coming Out Story | evoL =

  3. robynavantar says:

    one question i have recently heard and use all the time of others who judge me for being transgendered is to ask them in a not threatening manner this question ; Tell me please, When exactly did you choose to be straight ? When please tell me, because I truly know I was born this way

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  5. Lumini says:

    So … Thank you !
    I am a lesbian and I live in a kind family. I love my parents, I love mys sister and everybody. But My parents don’t know about me, and I know for sure that my mom will not be happy at all for what I am. She is not ok with it. And it really hurts me, because I can’t see why. But there is people like you, wonderful brother like you are. And your video trully make me better and happy. It gives me strength and hopes. So thank you.

  6. Your video sparked a fire in me that compelled me to write. Being a 46 year old gay man…attempting suicide at 20 because of the inability to accept my true Christian lifestyle shunning my devoutly Southern Baptist parents fighting to keep me holed up in the house away from a different life…I can now proudly say that I am who I am..and those who can’t love me or accept me as I am have no business being in my life. My parents, whom I still love dearly, have learned to accept me as best they can (while still not believing in being gay)…my extended family with my ex partner (whom I now live with for financial reasons) who call me ‘Brother’ and ‘Mom’ (his sons still think of me as a surrogate mother)…i’m blessed each day with the fact that those people who fought for so many years to be accepted and loved unconditionally..their dreams are coming true. God bless you on your brother’s new life..and your own acceptance and love of his dreams, hopes and future.

  7. rextiii says:

    Thank you for taking the time to share this, and your willingness to step into another perspective, if only for a moment, as someone who is Gay. As individuals we often find ourselves in safe and comfortable surroundings regardless of our age, not without effort or difficulty. At the same time, every single day, events – conversations – actions are taking place with a commitment to ensure the LGBT Community, remains less than – not part of or unequal to others. It is astounding to consider there are so many who consider their life on our shared planet as some how ‘superior’ and more worthy – and for many this involves their perceived direction of their religious choices in life.

  8. william mattes says:

    you’re a wonderful human being, i myself am gay, and a little brother to many, my best friend in the world and my “brata” or brother is whom i trusted to come out too, his family is my family we have plenty of love for each other and i can say only this, if i had a blood brother like you, i would have NEVER feared who i was, who i loved, i maybe i would be different, granted my brother does love me, but he doesn’t understand to power and emotion, that you OBVIOUSLY do have some if not a complete grasp on, of what it takes to come out, but alas, my family is very religious and i wished i had been able to tell them sooner, and to some of them, tell them once, but I’m scared, more than I’ve ever been scared in my life. my mom, doesn’t believe me, my dad, said stay safe son, and be careful. My (mom side) grandfather died before i could tell him, so did my dad’s mom and it hurts, my aunts and uncles, just I’m scared… and just in the end i say this “the god is love, and the god is never wrong, sooo my love isn’t wrong” and i wish you, your brother and your brother in law a safe and wonderful life and may the goddess and god bless all of you with happiness. thank you

  9. Dakota G. says:

    My daughter is a lesbian. Am I ashamed? Hell No! Did I do something wrong that caused her not to be straight. Absolutely Not! Do I have a problem with people who think she is less than because she loves another woman. YES!!!

    My daughter and the millions of LGBT people in this world are not a threat to anyone. They are human beings entitled to all the rights, hopes, goals and love that everyone seeks in life. My daughter laughs sometimes, telling me I am more of a LGBT activist than she will ever be. I tell her I am not an activist, I am a mother. A mother who will not allow anyone in this world to hurt or degrade my daughter, especially for being in love. It is hard enough to find love for straight people. Some of us spend our lives hoping to find a partner we can respect and love and receive both in return. Why do some people want to blacken that beautiful feeling for those they perceive as different?

    My daughter is a beautiful, talented, gifted woman with an equally blessed partner who she didn’t find until she was well into her 30’s. I love her partner as much as I love my older daughters husband. They are both equal members of our family. My grandsons love their Aunts and find nothing strange about their relationship. Instead my 16 year old grandson is puzzled as to why some of his friends would make fun of her. It is these “normal” people who disturb him the most. He asked me, “don’t they understand God is within each of us?”. I am the Youth Director at a Unity Church. We do not teach hate, it is contrary to our beliefs. We do not teach that it is wrong to be gay or lesbian. Not all Christians are driven by fear and hate. There are a lot of us out there who support equality and hopefully we will grow louder than the haters. It is time we let the world know, ALL THERE IS, IS LOVE.

    • Gigi Gee says:

      What a wonderful mother you are. Your daughter is very lucky to have you!!

      • Dakota G. says:

        Thank you Gigi, but I feel lucky to have her. Having a daughter who is a lesbian has taught me many things. First among them is proving to me that God makes no mistakes. My daughter was born a lesbian, she did not learn it, she did not choose it, she did not change her sexual preference because of trauma or pain. God gave me a beautiful baby who from the moment her personality began to emerge it was obvious she was not a make-up and lace little princess like her sister.
        God created her, he put her on this earth in the form and with the desires she still has. God doesn’t make mistakes, so my daughter and all those like her are perfect just the way they are. What a wonderful gift I received when God decided to give me a child different from most, so I could learn to value the differences in each of us.

  10. Kelly says:

    Beautiful message. Sad that some people are offended by love, My oldest daughter is gay. My brother had the nerve to ask me if I worried about her being around my youngest
    daughter. I slapped him in the face, Some peoples ignorance just astounds me,

  11. Beautiful message. We are out there. It’s important for us to get the message that not all of us are fundamentalist; many of us are loving Christians who follow Jesus and believe as you do, that love wins. Thanks so much for your message of love, faith and hope.

  12. Great clip, great message. My daughter, who came out when she was only 17, has fortunately never had to deal with any rejection from family members or any bullying of any kind over her being gay. I on the other hand have been asked the strangest questions when people find out I have a gay daughter. One woman even asked what did I do wrong while she was growing up for her to ‘turn out like that’?? Another asked was I embarrassed or ashamed of her being gay? I was actually more embarrassed and ashamed of the woman asking the question than anything. As Elly is now 26, it has been nearly ten years of her being opening gay and I am only just getting these strange questions in the last few years. To those women’s questions I say – I actually think I did a good job raising Elly for her to be comfortable enough to come out without any fears…..and no I have never and never will be embarrassed or ashamed. People that ask stupid questions, bully others because of who they are and don’t accept their children when they trust them with the truth of their sexuality…..those are the ones I am embarrassed by and feel ashamed of.

  13. Gordon says:

    Thank you for this message. It was all great, but what touched and impressed me the most was how obviously you GET what we go through. You seem to understand and actually seemed to feel the pain that a lot of us feel when we are rejected by family, friends and loved ones. A straight ally to the core. That is you. And all I can do is say thanks. It doesn’t seem like enough, but it is all I have.

  14. I am a Christian who comes from a fundamentalist background. I have never condoned or been able to tolerate the radical judgment that comes from that side of things, and finally realized when I am a ‘fundamentalist’ it means not that I am ‘strict,’ per se, but that I think all of the additional trappings and interpretations added by mankind are exactly that – additions. Some are acceptable (i.e., the rituals that make a person comfortable in worship), others, not so much.

    Sin is sin, according to everything I have been taught. Some of the sins I am, sadly, guilty of in my life include some rather wanton sexual behavior outside of marriage, murder, drunkeness, theft, hmmm… let’s see – maybe I’ve broken all ten commandments? I might have to go get out the book and read it again.

    I know I’m no angel.

    I also know that if Christians are so desperate for the souls of all of those “terrible sinners” that they certainly aren’t behaving in a manner that demonstrates it. We are called to LOVE those who are struggling, because we are as guilty as they are, and to share the good news with them – that God loved them enough, JUST AS THEY ARE, even in the most sinful part of their lives (i.e., God KNOWS and KNEW that I was going to have an abortion, because he exists outside of time, STILL his grace was there, even with that terrible act standing in the way). God’s love is BIGGER, period.

    That message is lost in all of the condemnation and hate out there, and it breaks my heart. Worse, it makes me a little worried for all of the Christians who share it – are they really so sure that they will be welcome on judgment day? Or might they actually be one of the ‘goats’ that the shepherd will say, “I never knew you?”

    I can’t condemn them, either – for fear that I would be measured the same way, but it breaks my heart that they are alienating a large number of people from a peace and joy that can come from realizing that you are unconditionally loved and accepted by God. It also breaks my heart that they are possibly hurting themselves even more than they hurt the Christian message, especially with the continued change and growth (read about the uproar the current pope is causing with his suggestion that the Church change ITS message). A friend’s daughter is marrying her partner in church this weekend. Priests officiating, totally accepted. Community of Christ voted to accept all people, period, at a recent conference.

    There is hope out there. There IS reconciliation and there ARE Christians to love everyone.

    Our voices just don’t get to be heard because we don’t make millions talking on radio shows, etc., and wringing our hands at the ‘downfall of western civilization.’

    • Jay Tilman aka boobookitty says:


    • allydavidstevens says:

      But your voices are getting louder!

      • I have found that website and the Christians Tired of Being Misrepresented Facebook page (which is how I found that website).

        Right now I attend a small break-away congregation from a misunderstood group (originally RLDS that became Community of Christ). If I hadn’t had a pastor who taught a survey of denominations that finally came down to the belief that it was “basic doctrine is first; we might be surprised at who we find in heaven,” I might not have been able to become a part of this group. When I remarried, DH was a member and insisted he was staying there.

        They have boiled everything down to Jesus’ summation of loving God with all your mind, heart and strength and your neighbor as yourself. They’re abandoning much of the structure and doctrine that they have come to realize is man-made and not inspired, and I’m so proud of them. I began praying for God to rebuild our church (all the judgmental people have left) by bringing us people to transform with the power of real love.

        He has been answering, and has been providing everything we need to meet the challenge (i.e., the man who lived in a house falling down with no utilities now has an apartment (with utilities obviously) and his furniture has gone from a wooden rocker (which he even slept in) to a bed, a couch, a dining table and chairs (he was delighted because now he could entertain people to visit), and a microwave. He scavenged some discarded lawn furniture to fill in gaps (was delighted to see him have to put some of it outside to make room for the couch), but we’re hoping to maybe find him a recliner at some point, too.

        We also have two people who are out of prison that we have provided a wedding to, job assistance for as well as just regular support and encouragement. One of them asked to be baptized Sunday.

        It is breath-taking to see what real love can accomplish. I know there will be setbacks and frustrations, but seeing God provide what we need to help others as we need it (there are less than 30 of us) and knowing that the very best possible way to grow our little group is by offering a transforming love to those who are struggling is just… wow. I love words (if you can’t tell) and struggle to find them.

        I just wish that every time a fundamentalist Christian pundit (James Dobson, Pat Robertson, etc. etc.) makes news by announcing that whatever natural disaster is punishment for our sin, or Westboro Baptist Church (just the Baptist in it has to make a great deal of good people who happen to be regular type Baptists cringe) makes headlines for another protest – I wish that they also would feature a moderate/liberal, loving Christian that says, “No, we are not called to hate. We are not called to judge. The only people Christ was ever confrontational or mean to were the Pharisees and other teachers of the law and the moneychangers at the Temple. We are called to be aware of and working on our own sins and to have a personal relationship with a loving God. The End.”

        All that makes news is “Christian” hate. I guess it’s the same for the Muslims, though. Probably the ones who aren’t enamored with terrorism and Sharia law get pretty frustrated being lumped in with the others.

  15. I have to admit. I never understood much why people who call themselves “good christian” or “good folks” would turn their back on a loved family member just because he/she comes out as gay (or bi/lesbian/trans/etc). If they are good Christian, then they should love unconditionally, without judgement (their own Bible forbids judgement). When you raise children, what matter most is to see them grow to live a happy life with whoever they love and love them back, no? Everyone seeks love and to be loved, who cares if it’s someone from the same gender or not!

    To my opinion, it is a basic Human Rights, the right to love and to pursue happiness. I am straight. I have 2 brothers. One is gay, one is pansexual, so both of them are currently in a relationship with another man. My oldest cousin is gay too. Did it ever occurred to me to stop talking to them just because they both are in a same-sex relationship? Hell no! Why would I care about the sex of their partner? Same for our parents: their sons are happy in their relationship, their boyfriends are great men, that’s what truly matter!

    I spent the new year’s eve at a gay bar with them and their friends (their best friend from elementary school is lesbian as well). Frankly, do I see any difference? No! We’re all human being who seek love and to be loved! We each have our own preference, as long as we are happy with who we are, what’s the big deal? What’s going on behind closed door in the bedroom it’s none of other people business.

  16. Dana says:

    Two simple words……Thank You!

  17. Kathleen says:

    A friend shared your video on Facebook and all I can say is “Wow…and thank you”. I have been with the woman who is now LEGALLY my wife for 16 years. We had a commitment ceremony 11 years ago when living in NH….but there was nothing legal about it. Last fall, Maryland voted to legalize same sex marriage. And in February we were united in a marriage ceremony at the Episcopal Church we attend. We have beautiful twin boys who are 9 years old.

    We’ve been fortunate to not really have lost family members or friends because of who we love. But I know that isn’t the story of many. Thank you for being an ally. For supporting your brother and his husband. For being strong in the face of detractors. You and others like you are key to the struggle for equal rights in the LGBTQ community.

  18. John says:

    Your video had me in tears. I’m a 49 year old gay man with two grown children (biological) 20 and 18. I’m alone. I see some friends now and then, but I live in a conservative area. I’ve been called “Fag” when getting my mail and had eggs thrown at me as well other things. Sometimes I just want to give up but your video really made me feel better and gave me some hope.

    • D.W. Cole says:

      I feel your pain. Keep your chin up. I also have 2 sons (25/19) and lost most of family and friends when I came out 10 years ago. BUT, I gained my self respect and a new sense. of what a true “family” was really all about; people who love and care about you and want the best for you-whether blood relatives or great friends. I too felt isolated in a rural area but found my partner online. You are not alone, the Universe is full of surprises and plans for each of us. Put yourself out there, relax, take a chance and trust that wonderful people will come into your life. Take care.

  19. jackrabbit10 says:

    I lost my parents, my only sibling and my nieces and nephews after I came out because they’re “good Christians”. Your video surprised me mostly because of its clear commitment to love and family; it’s something I’ve only ever seen in works of fiction on TV.

    My partner’s reaction after seeing your video: “He is a rare gem.” And it’s true. You’ve made something I thought was only the kind of thing people made up for TV an actual true thing, something wonderful and real.

    Your brother’s lucky to have you.

    • Jackrabbit10, I am glad this video moved you, and I am dreadfully sorry for what you have gone through. I want to encourage you — there are a LOT of rare gems out there! I am a straight mother of 5, and I write a blog as an LGBTQ ally. Please, please check it. Also, check out NALT — Not All Like That — for lots of videos like this. Bless you, your partner, your kids.

    • I got tears reading your comment, I just want to give you a motherly hug. I have no concept of a parent disowning a child over them coming out…..when my daughter came out she was still my daughter, still the crazy funny person she had been 30 mins before she came out. I just don’t get it! If I had disowned her back then (at 17) then I would have missed out of the last 9 years of her life with it’s ups and downs. That would have been very sad…..and irreplaceable. She, like the other six children I have, are part of my life, and always will be!

  20. Thank you, I needed this. I haven’t spoken to my brother (someone I idolized and spent two weekends a month with) or any of my dads side of the family for a year now since I decided to come out. It hurts. Thank you is all I can say right now.

  21. Ronnie Bradley says:

    Your brother is a very lucky guy to have someone as moral and as upstanding as you in his life and I do believe that the world is a better place for people like you are in it. As for your “friend” he is the one who has lost his moral compass.

  22. Pingback: A Straight Man, De-Friended By A Fundamentalist For Posting Pictures Of His Gay Brother’s Wedding | Truth Wins Out

  23. A very amazing post. I wish more people could gain perspective like you have. As a gay man, I’m proud to you as an ally to LGBT equality.

  24. kzottarelli says:

    all i can say is, WOW! so powerful hearing you speak those words. much love to you and your family, David. and please wish your brother and his partner congrats and much happiness, love and peace always.

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