Probably one of the most mind-numbingly obtuse excuses anti-marriage equality advocates have for opposing same sex couples getting married is that same sex couples “can’t procreate naturally”. They say that like it’s a bad thing.
They say it as if we are deeply afraid our population is dwindling and that rampant heterosexuality is not doing its job. Well, the bumper-to-bumper traffic I just went through says that it is.
Of course, it is not true that same sex couples are unable to procreate. We are fully capable of procreating with the help of surrogacy, or we can also pursue private adoption, which, while not biological procreation, is pro- creation of a family.
Another way allows same sex couples to be pro-creative of a family and help others. That is foster care/adoption. A number of weeks ago, I mentioned this societal benefit in an article about why Christians should support gay marriage. One of the reasons was to save disenfranchised children .
Both of my sons came into my family from foster care. For that alone, I owe the system a debt that I will never, ever be able to repay. There are over 100,000 children in the system that can be adopted instantly (and those adoption avoid some of the “reasons not to” below), and there are over 300,000 that are in foster care whose cases could lead to adoption. I do not wish to imply that the road through foster care is a cakewalk. It is daunting at times, but doable.
Here are five reasons that might make you not want to pursue this avenue. If you are discouraged from it, and It certainly is not for everyone, then you should not do it. No harm, no foul.
Foster care/adoption was the way for me. There are possibly some children out there that are hoping that it is the way for you as well. Here, however, are the reasons to avoid it:
(Disclosure: This is based on my experience in the California system. Other systems and your experience are likely to vary.)
- Paperwork and Training: The paperwork to get into the system, and the bureaucracy around it makes the IRS look fun by comparison. The paper work then leads to training classes. While those seem to be a nuisance and unrequired from other means of having children, I am of the opinion that training for parenthood is a good thing. You have to take classes and pass examines to operate a car, to operate another human being’s life should require nothing less.
- You will be judged: Then social workers check you out. The fear of their judgment is usually worse than the reality—they won’t care how you dust, or fold laundry, even though before their visit, you will run around doing both. Where you will be judged, and will have to fight the temptation to fight back , is from the birth parents. These are scared, angry and often defensive people who are on the verge of losing their children, for good reason. They often need a target at which to lash. It can easily be you.
- You will have no rights: When going to court for the birth parent’s case there are lots of lawyers. The birth parent has one (often a public defender), the state has one (the child is technically their ward), the child has one. YOU…do not have one. It can be frustrating, but the way to navigate is to maintain a good and cooperative relationship with your child’s representative and the one from the state.
- Your strength of character will be tested: Your child in many cases will be in need of emotional healing. Sometimes this plays out through bad behavior. Your good intentions are foreign and even though healthy, may not be embraced immediately or in the way you hope and expect. The process will demand patience and determination to get through. The process also demands that you care enough for a child who may become your permanent adoptive child, but also that you are lovingly detached enough to let go if the birth parent is successful in completing their reunification requirements. The system was designed to protect and be optimal for the child, which unfortunately may require super human qualities from the foster parent.
- You may have your heart broken: There are cases where the birth parent is a good person who made mistakes, gets their act together and everyone, including you, is cheering at their success in getting their child back. There are cases where the birth parent is so blatantly incapable of caring for the child that everyone knows that it is not a matter of if, but of when, that the child will be yours. The hardest cases are the ones in the middle. It is those where you have to give a child you have come to adore back to go into a situation with a parent that was successful in their requirements, but that you do not trust. You have to let go, and hope for the best.
There are the potential risks. They are not universal, and as I said before, they can vary. For some people, those reasons are enough to run. For other people who recognize that they can do it, here are even greater reasons to “go for it”, starting from the lesser reason to the best one:
5. There is no more economically reasonable way to start a family: Your adoption comes to you without the charges of private adoption. There is no surrogate to pay, there are no hospital costs. If this is your only reason for adopting through foster care, you need to re-think your motivation, but as a starter, it is at least a small reward for what it took to get there.
4. You will be doing probably the best thing you ever did in your life: Looking for purpose? A reason to feel good about yourself? There is virtually none better than this. While other parents are creating a life that would not be here, you are saving a life that would have died without you. You are taking a child who had no hope for a happy productive life and giving them a viable future. There are very few accomplishments that you could hope to have that measure up to this one.
3. It will change who you are: You will be somebody’s dad or mom. You will be indelible. Priceless. Wait until they call you that name for the first time… then call me and tell me if I was wrong.
2. Love will have new meaning: Before I had my kids, I romantically theorized about a man I would “die for”. Once I had them, I knew truly and deeply what that kind of love really meant. I truly was unaware that it was possible to love other human beings this completely with every ounce of my being.
And, most importantly:
- It will change your life forever: Whoever you thought you were, whoever you think you will be… this adventure will change you into a better you. You will not be a person, you will be a family. Life won’t necessarily always be easy, but it promises to always be interesting, enriched and ultimately… worth it.
When I was considering this choice in my own life, I decided to make a “pros” and “cons” list. I started with the “cons”. Was I too old? How would I afford college? Terrible twos? Teens with car keys? The list went on. Then I made the “pros” list. I wrote the first one down: “the look of my child’s eyes on Christmas morning”. I stopped and looked at it.
I heard the noise of paper being tightly crumpled. It was the “cons” list in my other hand.
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