The following is a blog written by someone dear to me, and she asked that the authorship of this stay anonymous.
There was this friend I once knew….
I used to know this woman, we were close for years. I look at her now and she’s nothing like I remember. I gaze at her and in every wrinkle, every scar and frown line there’s a story. Not always a pretty one either.
For many years she spent her time advocating for Equality and against Bullying. She lived her days bringing awareness to discrimination, sharing stories of love and compassion.
Nowadays she’s rarely seen in that circle. No longer answering her Advice column, or updating her Equality page and rarely responds to her email.
Why?
I see the pain, sorrow, and loneliness in her face. The overwhelming toll it’s taken on her. She’s drowning in it every single day.
She once had a family but now her children are long grown and living their own lives. Her today family consists of herself, the beloved dogs and her wife. She buries her pain deep in the continuous repeat of the day-week-years before routine.
There was a time she had it all. A bright carefree smile, a heart full of love, hope for her future, a job that she loved, a car, family and friends and most of all- freedom.
Her smile long ago faded, hopes and dreams vanished, friends all abandoned. Her secrets haunt her every day.
You might see her at the Post Office, bank or store, online in text form but you won’t see the inner bruises, hear her silent cries and you’ll never see the tears she dare not let fall. What you will see is the painted on mask, a forced smile and her wife never far from her side.
Oh sure, you might see the occasional bruise, ace bandage here and there. That one black eye that lasted the entire month of May. Through her son’s High School Graduation, Mother’s Day and including her very own Wedding Day. It was easily explained away with a tripping over the dog on the steps. Clothing covers the hundreds of scars on her legs and arms- these particular wounds were self inflicted in a gross attempt to release her pain. Her shame.
There is this friend I once knew, she’s an abused woman with little means to help herself.
Her marriage, like thousands of others, has two sides: The public version and the private reality. Rarely does it become physical, the real torture -the very real violence is mental and emotional. Those are the scars you don’t see, the secrets she hides. The ugly side to inequality is having no help. Her marriage is not legal.
Freedoms you and I have are forbidden. She’s isolated. No job, friends, lunch dates, a friendly call home to chat, no car. She can’t even enjoy a leisurely walk with her two dogs without her wife chaperoning her. Her social media monitored, and she’s ridiculed if someone posts on her wall. Every conversation followed.
Friends? They long ago left. Forced out because of her wife’s temper. They couldn’t deal with the jealous wife. The awful truth of knowing people in her community know her secrets, is observing their blind eyes. They are afraid to get involved.
The explosive accusations of unfaithfulness- all false. Why not just leave?
It’s not that simple. The local women’s shelters aren’t ‘equipped ‘ for battered gay women. Family can’t hide her from a jealous wife.
The only solace she feels she has is her home, her prison while the jealous wife is at work. That has been invaded now too. The jealous wife moved her best friend in.
Her quiet space is now constantly invaded. Every move, text, phone call is dutifully reported back. No more privacy. No place to cry. No place to hide. No place to scream. She’s alone, trapped at home. She tries to work at her hobby. She has her dogs. She has her addiction to alcohol. It’s there every day. She feels like it holds her hand, wipes her tears, lets her forget how lonely, sad, and hurt she is.
My friend is an abused woman feeling that she has little means to help herself, except to write this secret blog note. I see her every morning when I look into the bathroom mirror. My friend is me.
Note from Rob to the author of this piece: I love you and believe in you. I want to freely give you voice here, and am pleased to do so. Please recognize that by doing this, you are taking the first step in reaching out for help, and I want you to continue that process. There are people to replace the alcohol, and they will step up, if you let them. You are courageous, you are a warrior. It doesn’t feel like it, but you are. Hopefully people will suggest resources for you in the comment section and I am begging you to make use of them. Do not let yourself get lost. You are too valuable to all of us.
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Rob, I made it.
19.5 months strong.
This sounds so similar to a relationship I once had. I lost my best friend to a jealous wife. I want her to know that I still love miss her everyday.
THis story is my story, I looked accomplished on the outside, a nurse, a bachelors degree, an abusive partner that looked good on the outside. I got out, I found a lesbian support group thru Marin Abused Women’s services, I waited until the right time, I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, now many years later, I have found a women who loves me and cherishes me and protects me. Please know that there is help for you and you are not alone
Please get help, and don’t assume your children or your family will not help you. My cousin was in a domestic violence situation. He came out to people he thought would love him no matter what, and they turned their backs on him, so he thought we all would, even though very few of us cared whether or not he was gay. I certainly didn’t. We found out when he was near death, stabbed by his lover. Thankfully, he recovered, had a chance to see how much we all love him, and he is now happily engaged to a better man. Please don’t let your children find out you have died because of this woman’s jealousy. You are worth so much more than that.
Please don’t think that just because you are in a lesbian relationship, or because your marriage is not official in the eyes of the law that there are no resources to help you! I used to work for a women’s shelter/domestic violence crisis center, and the vast majority of organizations/resources we worked with were available to ALL women – married, unmarried, gay, straight, old, young, mothers, non-mothers…everyone. PLEASE don’t feel that there’s no one you can reach out to.
I would love to be a resource for you, to put you in touch with organizations who can help, or even if you just need someone to listen. Feel free to contact me at any time.
Please, please get help. Please leave this woman. You are strong, you8 can do it – no one should suffer abuse. No one. Go to your children’s they will want to help, I’m sure. Please, don’t be alone.
I split up with a partner who made my life miserable. It was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done. Had I known how I was going to feel six months later I wouldn’t have had the courage to do it, but if I had known how I would feel a year later I would have done it much sooner. And 18 months later I met a wonderful new partner.
I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I want so much to take you away from there and show you that there is better out there, that you deserve so much more. I know the sad truth of being in a relationship like this, and the first step is having the strength to walk out. I know it’s not easy, might even need some planing. But there is help, weather it be an abuse home, a friend, or family. I wish you so much luck, and just know you are loved and there are people who care for you. Even if you don’t know them.
I’m knew with this detail and pain in your post that it was you.just remember as bad as your situation is it is also a familiar one. When everything else can seem better,when something isn’t familiar it is sometimes more frightening then where you are now.overcome your fear of the unknown and take a chance at getting a healthy happy life for yourself.all any of us really want is happiness when we wear our hearts on our sleeves. Get out darling get out while you still have the courage to do it! You won’t be disappointed! I promise you that! You deserve to have that heart on your sleevetreated with dignity respect and most of all love. Nothing worth having is ever easy! Take that step sweetheart! It’s time 2 take care of you now. Sometimes we fall in love with people that don’t really exist. And we look at them later and say you have changed! But the truth is they were only pretending to be what they could see we wanted. You don’t really love the person you’re with now you love who they pretended to be. And I know you really loved her.but now she’s gone so should you be.go now darling and give that love you have that is real to someone that will return real love right back to you.
I would love to help you dear.
Please write to me if you think chatting could help.
Be strong and carry on fighting for your freedom, release and a peaceful life.
Please reach out to me.
This post broke my heart. If empathy could help you to heal, I’d gladly wrap you in mine. So many of us, gay, straight or otherwise, have thrived after relationships like this one… there is a way. If I could reach through this screen and take your hand, I’d lead you out myself. If you ever feel ready and want someone to talk to, anonymously or otherwise, I’d be happy to listen, to pray, to help in any and every way I was able. You don’t have to know someone to understand the depth of torment, sorrow, and pain that another human feels… and to recognize the bravery it takes to put it all on the line even anonymously. I hear you, I see you and I love you. Some of us have lived a similar version of your story and were able to write a new chapter. I wish the best for you and truly, deeply, appreciate your strength, vulnerability and bravery — even if you don’t think you have it.
In Solidarity and Hope,
Lex
lexisword@gmail.com
This brought me to real tears. Please, please author, realize whatever she says, whatever you may feel or think she feels, your “wife” does not love you. (In quotes because I don’t feel she is one, not because of any legality) No one that truly loves another person would treat them as you’ve described – beneath her own mask of civility, she’s a cowardly bully, preying on the one person she SHOULD be protecting. I promise, there IS a better life out there, with people who DO and WILL love you, with real happiness and joy. But you have to get out of that miserable existence before you can find living. And know that more than one heart is rooting for you on that journey, even if we never meet face-to-face. ❤
There is help out there, I hope you are able to escape your torment soon. This doesn’t have to go on forever, you are not alone. We are listening, reading and understanding. You don’t deserve this and there is a better life for you x
Hello my friend, please find a way out. Perhaps you could make a dr’s appointment and share what’s going on. I’m sure there is help available, although I’m unable to suggest anything since I don’t know where you are. I am so sad to hear of what’s happening to you. Please don’t give up.
Hello friend! This brought me to tears as this hit very close to home, there are no boundaries on abuse for straight or gay. The face u put on for everyone else will never mirror the truth of what you endure and try to hide on a daily basis. Ominous tears as I write this as this could be me writing this story except insert bipolar husband. There are people who will help want to help just it is hard to get the bs out of your head that someone else says to u. But YOU are strong stronger than you know and u have stated reaching out! One step at a time one minute at a time. While wifee is at work go to an aa meeting or call your dr make an appointment ( they might be able to find resources in your area to help) or call the district attorney in your area and ask if they know of a domestic violence helpline or the police dept or fire department or if you can find a rape crisis hotline they can surely direct you! You are brave wonderful and strong! You can stop this madness and reclaim your life!
Call Domeatic Violence Intervention Services or RAAIN in your area. They will help, there is no difference in services (the admin part anyway) for straight or gay people. Reach out, you will be helped!
Dear friend, I hope you realize that you are NOT alone. More people understand the pain and sense of helplessness you feel than you may realize. Do you have a trusted friend to whom you can turn? In similar circumstances myself several years ago, I fled to a friend’s house, and the friend protected me, until new arrangements could be made. It was the scariest day of my entire life, but I wouldn’t do anything differently today. I hope you’ll find a way to call on your strength to get you into a safe place. From there, you will emerge from under the rock of your captivity, and find a whole new life for yourself. It will take time, but will be so worth the effort. You have my deepest sympathies, and my support. A lot of us are cheering for you!
The pain you feel and the person you have become are not good for anyone, children, family members, even the jealous wife. Continuing down the rabbit hole is not an option. Take a break, crawl out of the boiling water because it is indeed burning. The ones who love you will help you and defend you once you call upon them. They are waiting, feeling helpless until you open the door.
Abuse knows no gender nor sexuality. This post makes me so sad. Please continue to reach out. We may not know each other but you have a voice and you are being heard.