The Ten Things I Wish the Pope Could Have Observed on My Family’s Trip to Disneyland

Posted on January 3, 2013 by robw77

ImageDuring the last few weeks of winter holidays, Pope Benedict VXI and several of his delegates including Illinois Cardinal Francis George and the United Kingdom’s Archbishop Vincent Nichols delivered lump of coal to the world’s LGBTQ communities.  It was gift-giving Mr. Grinch or unrepentant Ebenezer Scrooge style.

Like the “We Three Anti-gay Kings”, Archbishop Nichols brought the removal of gay-inclusive religious services in London’s SoHo district, Cardinal George declared same sex marriages “legal fiction” and Pope Benedict agreed calling gay marriage a “manipulation of nature” and gay people “abstract human beings”.  The Pope stated that gay families pose a “crisis” in which “the key figures of human existence likewise vanish: father, mother, child – essential elements of the experience of being human are lost”.

Meanwhile, I was taking my gay family on a trip to Disneyland.  I was there with my partner, Jim, and my two 10-year old sons.  My sons have been mine since their infancy. They were adopted from heterosexual birthparents, who would have fit the acceptable image of “family” as promoted by the Pope.  Each of the four was chemically addicted, however, and certain to create devastating damage had my sons remained in their care.

On the day we went, so did 40,000 other people.    I thought about what the Pope could see if he had been there with us.  We were as any other family in the park—we were photographed together, kissed and hugged each other when moved to do so, held hands, and laughed a lot.  Here is what he would have seen:

1. Romance.   Despite gay marriage being legal in more and more countries around the globe, Disneyland is only filled with numerous Princess opposite gender oriented story lines, each proving that heterosexual romance is alive, well and not going anywhere.  There is not a whisper of same-sex romance even hinted, although some cross species romance (Ariel, Belle) has crept in.  No change is evident in the human romantic blueprint.

2. The crowds. Further evidence that heterosexuality is not experiencing a threat, let alone a “crisis”, is the massive amount of opposite sex families and their progeny in attendance.  Our same sex presence, the kiss to my partner at the base of Tarzan’s Treehouse and our posing with Disney character icons not only did not create a wave of sexual orientation defection, they were completely ignored by everyone around us.  The Pope would sleep well witnessing how uncomfortably well humans are populating the earth.

3. The joy.  We saw people in frail health at the end of their lives sharing experiences with kids who are new to the planet. Excitement and wonder exuded from all directions.  The love within my family did not threaten them, especially as a “crisis”.  Instead, there was deep inspired joy that I think the Pope would envy.

4. The diversity of real families.  We rubbed elbows with many families.  These were real families and almost no two looked identical.  It was impossible to tell if parents were biological ones, adopted ones or temporary guardians.  It was impossible to see exactly how each had come together.  Love obviously held each together however.  If he had seen it, the Pope would have to reconsider in his limited one-size-fits- all perspective.

5. Imagination.  From fresh perspective of histories and cultures to real innovations that will have human impact, the park has made imagination a pervasive theme.  The Pope needs a little of the stuff.  Seriously.

6. Popularity and relevance.  Disney characters turn parents and kids into ravenous paparazzi.  In the  minds of the families there, the Mary who is a virgin has the last name of Poppins.  Children can recognize and name every chipmunk, duck, mouse and dog character that hit the street, but would not know any Catholic saints except St. Nicholas.  This lack of relevance of Catholic lore on modern life might give the Pope a moment’s pause if he really wants to stay important to future generations.

7. Parenting,  “Finding Nemo” style.   My son, Jason, loved this ride in which a sole Dad parent shows what real parental love is all about, and that it has nothing to do with dual sets of genitalia in the home.  The Pope should have gone on the ride with him.

8. Nature vs. the world of Mickey Mouse.  Cardinal George wrote “Marriage comes to us from nature”. Team Pope harp on this theme a lot, but their concept of “nature” does not seem to reflect real nature at all.  If Mickey and Minnie were actual rodents, Minnie would go into heat and be bred by all able male mice in the vicinity.  This would make for a very different Disneyland.  In the civilized world, Mickey and Minnie are monogamous and committed.  Humanity, not nature,  is the factor that provides stability, morality, equality and higher values.  Hopefully, if the Pope and his team hung out in the house of Mouse, they would come to understand that.

9. Great words from Mr. Lincoln.    The Pope has decried “a false understanding of freedom” — meaning that only heterosexuals have family rights. He needs to listen to the words of Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln: “The world has never had a good definition of the word liberty, and the American people, just now, are much in want of one. We all declare for liberty; but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. What constitutes the bulwark of our liberty and independence? … Our reliance is in the love of liberty, which God has planted in our bosoms. Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands everywhere. Destroy this spirit, and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors.”

10. Captain EO.  The Pope needs to see Michael Jackson’s legacy work in Captain Eo in Tomorrowland.  As Michael confronts a cold heartless tyrant, who demands a colorless world to her own suppression laden blueprint, he transforms the environment with dance, music, rhythm and style.  He literally gays up the place with beauty and love and leaves the now transformed monarch with these words, “We’re takin’ over; we have the truth; this is the mission; to see it through; don’t point your finger; not dangerous; this is our planet; you’re one of us; we’re sendin’ out a major love and this is our message to you;  we’re bringin’ brighter days … fulfill the truth”  I hope the Pope would have taken some of this Truth home to the Vatican with him.

The Pope is wrong to denigrate gay families and is on the wrong side of history.  In Disney stories, there are great transformations and awakenings.  It is my sincere prayer that the Pope gets one of these as a gift for himself this year.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Gay Christians, Marriage equality, Mixing religion and politics, News, Politics, Prejudice, Religion | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments

A Five Point Plan to Creating The Best Christmas

Posted on December 21, 2012 by robw77

ImageLast weekend, I set off to do my Christmas shopping.  As a single gay Dad, time to do such an activity is scarce.  I also have to admit, my heart is a bit distracted over the shopping endeavor this year.   The night I went out, it was pouring rain, which fed into the “weather outside is frightful” milieu, but still meant the idea of shopping sucked. 

Everything was progressing nicely materialism-acquisition-wise until I checked out.  With several hundred dollars worth of goods bagged I heard the death kneel words any shopper dreads …”your card has been declined”.  What?? 

Long story short, my card data was in with other card data at an anonymous vendor whose data was compromised fatal datatistically.   For my “protection” my   bank was not going to let me shop.  At least, not on that particular evening. Glum and dejected, I had to ponder…  “Isn’t it supposed to be better than THIS?”   I then realized, yes, it IS supposed to be better.   

I have stepped back and reflected.  I thought back to my years of best Christmas giving experiences, and with that, have come up with a five point plan.  I challenge you to try it, or reflect on when you enacted something similar before, and then see if it is, in fact, your best Christmas ever. 

Here is the plan:

1.  Share music.   Send music to people that you know they will love, whatever means possible.  My boyfriend sang out a beautiful rendition of “Silent Night” to his late mother on a video shot in front of our Christmas tree. He shared this love with his friends list, and emotionally moved many.

2.  Bake.   My sons and I, no great magicians in the kitchen, whip up our decorated slice-and-bakes and distribute them through the neighborhood. It is an excuse to embrace our neighbors and physical community, and the goodwill it produces lasts beyond the calories.

3. Create beauty.   Decorate, paint, design… whatever expression works for you.  In my family this year we painted ceramic Christmas village houses.  It was fun, it was imaginative and we ended up with pieces that will make us remember the love between us at that given place and time.

4.  Do something important for loved ones.   I am resolved to worry less about spending money on the ones I love, and doing things that may cost little, but are truly important.  Write a poem, frame that great picture together, buy them the used book you KNOW they will love.  I thought hard about this a few years ago as I pondered what to give my dad whom I adore, and who is getting up in years and won’t be with me much longer.  What can I do for a person like that?  As a dad myself, I used that perspective to think about what I would want from my own sons.  I constantly am trying to do things for them that they like and enjoy, but the thing that is illusive is which events really stick with them?  I decided that my dad may want to know that about me, so I wrote up my “Top 10 Most Memorable Moments” that I had spent with him in my life.  He teared and choked up as he read each one aloud to our family.  It was hands down the most important gift I had ever given to him, or anyone else for that matter.  The list now sits on his nightstand.  He reads it to himself every single night since I gave it to him.

5. Adopt people who you don’t know, but need you.  There are lots of charitable hands out this year, and I am not really talking about swiping a credit card so funds go to different non-profit funds.  Thirty years ago a piece called the “White Envelope” was published in Woman’s Day Magazine.  In that story, a woman does something significant for strangers, then shares about it to her family via a note placed on their tree.  It is their best family gift.

For those of us who are LGBTQ, we need to fill white envelopes on our trees for our children we have never met. 

There are the kids who have come out to their families and been kicked out of their family homes and are now living on the street.  What group of children needs love and Christmas more than they do?  What group of children is more ours?

If you think this group is a small or an insignificant one, think again.   There are about 2800 of these kids in Los Angeles, 3000 in San Francisco, there are MORE than that in places like Salt Lake City, and close to 1000 in smaller cities like Detroit.  I admit, finding out what you can do for such kids in your personal community, and they are there, is a challenge.  It would be easy to ignore and walk away.  If the concept of a true LGBTQ Community is real however, these are OUR kids and we need to do what we can to help.  There are 300,000 to 400,000 of them that will be homeless this Christmas morning.  They are hurt, they are in danger, and they need US.

We can start by making them the White Envelopes on our trees, and we can end with making real differences.  Please give it some thought and take some action.  

Change lives, change Christmas and make memories.

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I’m So Angry I Could Spit Nails!

Posted on December 21, 2012 by kzottarelli

imagesWhy am I so angry at a time when so many are mourning? Well, I too am broken; there is an ache on my heart from the unexplainable, unthinkable horror perpetrated upon Newtown, CT that has left a mark that will not fade away.

I am angry because I cannot believe that there are still so many people who can and are trying to justify their selfish wants with an excuse of rights. But today I am evoking my right of freedom of speech, fortunately this right will not leave death and destruction in its wake.

I don’t think I can stomach one more stupid comment about our 2nd Amendment rights, especially the one about how if everyone was armed this wouldn’t happen. Really? You think arming EVERYONE is a good idea? Did I miss something here? The people that do these kinds of things are disturbed, they aren’t going to stop and think, “well everyone is carrying so I better not do this”, if they were thinking rationally they wouldn’t be doing this AT ALL, whether or not everyone was carrying. They aren’t capable of rational thought at that point. And wouldn’t arming everyone just make it that much easier for the ones that are already on the brink of mental collapse…without the limited checks and balances we do have now? I’m angry because some people’s first thought is not to get rid of guns, instead lets get MORE guns and put them in everyone’s hands. Have we evolved so little that the first reaction is become the wild, wild west again? Well if this is the OK Corral–I, for one…AM NOT OK WITH IT!!

I’m angry because some of our religious leaders have chosen this tragic time to insinuate that God has let this happen because we have taken prayer out of the schools. This is some of the most hurtful, hateful, unChristlike behavior I have had the displeasure of seeing and hearing. If their God is the kind of God who lets children be sacrificed to make a point about prayer in schools they should be looking for a different God. But I know, that is NOT what God has done, and thankfully most people don’t fall for that perverted way of thinking about our Heavenly Father either. And I’m angry that some of these same religious leaders have tried to use marriage equality and gay rights as another tactic, twisting the loving of two people into something hateful. I truly question their mental stability when they can so easily turn love into something to be used in such disgusting ways. God lives in our hearts, and we take him with us where ever we go, he doesn’t live in a building somewhere waiting for us to enter…HE enters our very being. These are not my religious leaders, and how anyone still listens to them or gives them a platform to spread their form of hate is beyond me.

I know their are some who want guns for things like hunting, but really, we live in 2012, does anyone really need to hunt for food any more? And the argument that the cost of meat being so high doesn’t fly when the cost of guns, bullets, all the hunting gear, etc. dwarfs it. And if you tell me you want to hunt just because you like the feel of going out there and tracking something, getting it in your sights and than putting a bullet in a living breathing thing, well THAT really disturbs me. Call me crazy, and I have no doubt a lot of you will, (some I even call family and friends), but the need, want or desire, (whatever you want to call it) just to kill SOMETHING, really, really bothers me. If you feel the need to hunt something, trek on down to your local Walmart and stalk the meat counters, trust me, Walmart is an exercise in patience and leaves you with the feeling of man against beast.

When we talk about the 2nd Amendment, is there anyone who honestly believes that the Founding Fathers were referring to or thinking about assault rifles, either semi or fully automatic weapons when it was written? Is it a necessary thing anymore to think that the 2nd Amendment is needed for a militia? Isn’t that what it was originally intended for, so the people had the right to bear arms to form a militia? Yes, I know it was rewritten in 2009 to basically just say it is our right to have guns…just because (they more or less did away with the “to form a militia”). Because as far as I can tell, we don’t need to form a militia, (we have a huge military), we don’t need to hunt for food, we don’t need to protect ourselves from wild animals (and by the way, American Indians did fine with wild animals without guns), so really isn’t all some of us are saying is, WE WANT GUNS, just because we can? “We need to protect ourselves” you say. Well we haven’t outlawed guns and you see how well this is working. Crime rates, suicides, accidental shootings, gang related shootings, of each other and innocent bystanders,..how’s this protection working so far? And if our very own military and FBI could not determine that Nidal Malik Hasan, a U.S. Army Major serving as a psychiatrist at Fort Hood was a terrorist, ending up in a shooting rampage, killing 13 and wounding 29 others, what hope do we, the general public have in determining who is of sound mind? I saw something the other day that went something like this…” You actually think criminals are going to obey gun control laws? You’re a special kind of stupid aren’t you?” Um, no, you are a special kind of stupid to even suggest such a thing. That is like saying, “well we still have rapists, murderers, and thieves even though there are laws against those things so we should make those not crimes anymore because those criminals aren’t following those laws”. Is the 2nd amendment even realistic anymore? There may have been a time and place for the 2nd Amendment, the year 2012 isn’t it.

I don’t want to hear how the way to end these massacres is by arming everyone. How, if just one teacher had had a gun, well one teacher did have a gun…her son used it to kill her, 26 innocent people and than himself. The way to end all this violence is by putting MORE guns out there? What kind of crazy logic is that? If some say that “arming everyone” is a good theory well I say the flip side of that coin, “arming no one”, is an even better theory. I don’t want to hear that the reason for tragedies like this is because we have taken prayer out of the schools and I certainly don’t want to hear how this is because of how loving someone of the same sex and wanting to marry them is the cause. Have you people lost your minds? Stop blaming everything except what is the real reason…people’s selfish wants. What is really being said is..it is our right, OUR RIGHT, to carry something that can take the life, the breath, the very being of another human, for no other reason but, WE WANT!

I know there will be those that disagree with me, those that think I am a nut job, those that think I am a bleeding heart liberal…I DON’T CARE! If wanting guns out of the hands of the general public, if wanting a more peaceful society, if wanting these mass killings to stop makes me a bleeding heart, I’m fine with that! At least I’m not trying to justify some outdated amendment and calling it my right. I have a HUGE issue when some people believe their 2nd amendment rights are even a consideration at this point after all those children, teachers and their parents have lost their right to LIFE, LIBERTY, and their pursuit of Happiness has forever been eclipsed by this horror.

Posted in Civil Rights, gun control/guns, Living, News, Politics, Religion | Tagged , , , , , | 24 Comments

A Gay Dad Reflects on the Terrorism in Newtown Connecticut

Posted on December 16, 2012 by robw77

ImageIt was supposed to be a good day.  I had just finished a blog piece and was scoping online for some final references.  Then I saw it.  It was a plea in a Facebook post by my friend Kergan asking when we would at last start addressing gun violence in this country.  His post was full of frustration and call-to-action, as any dad facing an insurmountable crisis might be.  The between the lines message was clear.  “Oh no,” I thought to myself, “Something has happened.”

I went immediately to my news feed, and sure enough, the horror in Newtown Connecticut was unfolding.  I found myself immersed in it, and I have been ever since, in a way unlike anything since 9/11.

Through all the days of information and gratuitous media, like reporters and anchors commenting on their own bravery in covering the story, there still seemed to be one piece missing that I was obsessed in seeing.  I finally saw it today as the pictures of the victims of the shooting were released.  In part, my obsession was to connect that these were real people, real educators and real children to whom this had happened.  It was also to see what I knew would be there… the look of innocence, wonder and joy of living in the eyes of those kids.  I needed to look and see exactly what had been taken from their poor families, and from us as a world community.

It made the event hit even more deeply home for me than it had before.  This was an act of terrorism.  Terrorism and its parallel, Hate Crimes, are not just physical.  They are emotionally and spiritually effective meant to harm and damage a collective psyche.  In the case of 9/11, it was the American psyche and way of life as the intended target—meant to be brought to its knees and to be wrapped in fear and angst.  In this case, it was the look that I sought to see in the children’s eyes—it was an attack on the deep love that is in the hearts of all parents and of all people who care about the young and their promise of life.  It was designed to snuff out our collective purity and innocence.

Did Adam Lanza intend for it to be that way?  Maybe, maybe not.  We will probably find out that his situation was what Liza Long describes in her article  “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother”, in which she throws the light on our country’s inability to cope with mental health issues in troubled teens.  What Adam Lanza did created was terror however, no matter what the intention—and the effects are the same.

As a dad, this takes me right to my core.  From the first day I had my eldest son, I became deeply aware that I was responsible for his complete welfare.  It was a joyful undertaking, but profound in its detail and breadth.  It was knowing what Love is, in a way that before unthinkable.  From that parental vantage point, when it comes to sending your child off to school, you reach an internal crisis point.  When my sons started going to school, I was then out of range to  fulfill my life’s duty.   I cannot control what happens to them.

I trust their school, teachers, security systems.  Newtown had the best of all of those.  The fact is that 20 sets of parents got the call I most fear, and that without warning the precious looks, kisses, hugs, innocent conversations and happiness that are my heart and soul treasures can abruptly end and be removed, forever.

This event was terrorism because so many of us feel the searing pain of the poor families who are facing the reality of their loss.  I wish to my soul that I could spare them the pain they feel, I wish it more than any other thing this Christmas, and take little solace in the fact that I get to hug my boys and take them in my arms still.

I see this reaction too in the faces, communications and expressions of my friends, many of them gay parents.  It is ironic from the gay family perspective that as the horror was taking place in Newtown, and cutting to the heart of parenting with its worst terror, elsewhere in the world, the Pope was lodging an attack against gay families on the very same day.  In his World Peace address, the Pope listed our families as being threats to peace.

Adam Lanza made clear what “threat to peace” really looks like.

The fact is, the collective horror demonstrates that all families breathe, bleed and cry.  The fact that they, and we do, is what defines family.  At times like this, we are not straight parents and gay parents, we are parents.  We are one national family in mourning.

We have work to do.  We need to find solutions to gun violence and ignored mental health issues.  We as a nation need to love our children, celebrate their joy and innocence and proliferate it.   We need to celebrate our families as all who can feel and relate to what is right and good, and shout down those who would sort us out based on other more superficial criteria.

Let us come together, heal and work to preserve the love lost.  Let’s not let it go in vain.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Hatred, Living, News, Prejudice, Religion | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

They Permanently Sidelined “Homophobia”: The Five Reasons I Am Glad It’s Gone

Posted on December 15, 2012 by robw77

Image I was not happy about it at first.  It was several weeks ago when it happened.  The word “homophobia” was casually in play within  American conversations, playing its part, when YANK!  Out of nowhere, timeout was called.  It was out of the game.

No flags on the field, no deliberation with the  coach or team owner.   The Associate Press just blew the whistle on it .

The explanation was unsatisfying.   “It’s just off the mark,” said AP deputy standards editor Dave Minthorn to Politico. “It’s ascribing a mental disability to someone and suggests a knowledge that we don’t have. It seems inaccurate. Instead, we would use something more neutral: antigay, or some such, if we had reason to believe that was the case.”

Many who use the word to describe the atrocities inflicted on LGBT people were not happy. On the Huffington Post, Michelangelo Signorile commented   “Those who are anti-gay have been railing against the use of the word by journalists and others for years and are cheering the AP for banning it. This comes at a critical juncture in the gay rights movement, when anti-gay forces appear to be losing ground and are grasping for ways to gain it back.”

Blogger Kathleen Zottarelli stated, “I  feel like it is giving a free pass to those that have  an irrational fear and who go out and cause harm with hateful words and actions.”

Popular blogger and Mom, Amelia chose to ignore the game call all together (which is only right, Moms’ should be exempt from the AP), and wrote a spirited article about homophobia being active and in play now, and permanently enshrined in old kid’s movies.  She observed, “How many of the other movies we were nostalgic about carry the same homophobic message hiding under the guise of comedy? And how harmful was this message to the gay kids trying to grow up around us? I’m sure it didn’t go unnoticed by them. Well, it’s a chance we won’t be taking again.”    Amelia is one of the coolest people on the planet as far as this gay Dad is concerned, but you would not know that to read the commentary that attached itself to her “homophobia is alive” article.  They took her to task for being everything from a “vapid PC revisionist crusader” to being “thin skinned” and a “non-relaxed parent”.  (Now, there is a fantasy concept if I have ever heard one… please show me a truly “relaxed” parent…)

Meanwhile, in the other part of The-Words-We-Use-ville,  Huffington Post editor Noah Michelson was under fire for a fun and frivolous article on the “Gayest Christmas Songs”.  Apparently, many readers did not like the fabulous concept of “gay” and complained.  Noah shot back with “Hey Queers, Lighten Up”.  The word “gay” breathed a heavy  sigh, it would still be permitted to carry the festive Christmas ball for seasons to come.

Still elsewhere, the de facto referees, The Associated Press, were  acting like  addicts in denial – still using the word they had unceremoniously exorcised from play just weeks before.  They just could not help themselves.

It was really the noisy outcry that Mom Amelia received that made me stop and ponder.  We parents are like that, you see.  We watch as one of us is berated by non-parents, thank God that in this instance it was “not our kid” under scrutiny, and then resolve never to do that thing again ourselves.  Except, in this case, it was not being a parent of kids being raked, but being a parent of words.

Am I sorry that “homophobia” has been yanked?   At first I was, but now , I may have   hit the “Acceptance” level of the Kubler-Ross  process, and I am not.  Here are the five reasons why:

5.   I love the way it sounds.    OK, I am not an idiot (and for those who disagree, please, no need to comment, I know you are out there.).  I know that what is being discussed is the WORD “homophobia” and not the concept, but words have power.   I LOVE writing “homophobia is gone”.  The more I write it, the more I believe that not only will the word go away, but so will the concept.  Maybe breaking the word is like breaking a bottle, the acid in it was real, but now it has a chance to soak into the earth and disappear.  It is not editing free speech, it could be instead, eradicating the world of a hideous philosophy.   That philosophy is true in the world today, but maybe by taking away its word, we can really and truly say, someday, “homophobia is gone”.

4. Focus on Wrong-doing Blinds Us to Right-doing .   I have been arguing for gay rights for decades.  Anti-gay arguments have shifted.  They have morphed into new arguments, there has been education and new mythologies.  The conversations have changed.  I would suggest that for pro-gay people, the hiding behind the blanket word “homophobia” and tossing it out as a cover-all blanket harms us more than the people on which we disperse it.  We see them all the same.  We see the ignorance all the same.  We see one irrational, crazy blob.  By losing “the word”, maybe we will be forced to take a closer look to describe the anti-gay sentiments and we may have a chance to see where those sentiments have actually progressed.  In seeing that, we then may be able to capitalize on it, and give it momentum to truly evolve  into revelation.

3. We Need to Disempower Words.    If the current environment where young people are committing suicide from bullying teaches us nothing it is that words HAVE power.  That leaves us with two choices to ultimately bring healing and strength to the vulnerable: 1) control all the words ever said and make sure they are nice ones (a virtual impossibility) or 2) take power away from words.  The true answer, obviously, is a combination of the two.  We do need to watch what is said, and especially watch the torrent in which it is delivered.  We need to diffuse the power that we have given certain letters and syllables strung together however.  “But words can never hurt me” is unfortunately NOT true today, but we need to make it true.   In terms of “homophobia”, we are being asked to say goodbye to a word   and all the implied power we have given it.  Maybe it is a good wake up call, and by letting this one go, we will be all the stronger for it.

2. We Need to Let Go in Order to Heal. We need to heal ourselves and each other to not cringe at every ignorant nuance and focus instead on the principles of life we know are true.  For me, the word “queer” is a painful one.  For others it is not, it is truthful and positive.  I need to let my concept of it go, there is no harm intended, and in fact, my psyche could use the lesson.  Holding onto my old concept and pain serves absolutely no useful purpose.  By letting it go, I won’t forget to not harm others myself, I will just rise above the injury inflicted on me and relish my new health in life in doing so.  I do not need to keep creating an entity out there known as “homophobia” like it is a general toxic cloud choking me.  I can parse up the concept I am describing as ignorance, hatred, dogmatic fears, or  many other specific things, and deal with those one by one.

The most important reason that I am not sorry that “homophobia” is dead is this:

1. Individuals Need to be Allowed Their Unique Faults.  First, by assigning actions a pathology, we actually subtly excuse away bad behavior.  “Homophobia made her do it”.  Let’s stop making excuses  and make the individuals accountable for what they say and act as if they don’t have an emotional disease or societal malaise.  Second, generalizations are fodder for misperception.  I don’t know about you but I cannot stand any statement that starts out “Gay men are….” .  All that statement makes me want to do is shout “NO I am not…!”   Generalizations are intellectually lazy and whether based in some truth or not, will only lead to error.  In this case, all “homophobes” are not created equal.  Every one of them is not similarly motivated by ignorance, pathology, religion, sense of reality or emotional damage.  Some are motivated by feeling superior as heterosexual, some are motivated by actually being gay themselves and hating that they are.  Who knows?  I don’t.  Just because many of them sound the same does not mean they are the same.  Maybe  in losing the single word that we have employed to categorize them all, we will be enticed to take a closer look and sort out the misinformed from the truly evil,  the opportunists from the agendized.  We need to stop focusing on who we think they are or might be, and focus instead on what they are doing and the harm they are causing.  In confronting the individuals with diverging motives about their actions rather than their secret psyches, we have a better chance of dividing them and conquering.

So, again, to be clear, I fully understand that even if the use of the word is gone, and that is highly debatable in spite of the AP action,  the concept that gave  it reality is not.  There are people who hate irrationally.  And they hate us.  They will not be stopped because  we use a certain word to describe them.  For us to realize that may mean that “homophobia” did not get taken from us in vain.

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Join EvoL= for Our Top Ten Countdown of 2012!

Posted on December 11, 2012 by robw77

Join EvoL= for Our Top Ten Countdown of 2012!

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A Gay Dad Dilemma…How Do I Out Santa Claus to My Kids?

Posted on December 7, 2012 by robw77

ImageHow did I get into this predicament?  How did I not see this coming?  I mean… really.

My sons are both 10.  Our family tradition follows that of many others, a jolly old man with reindeer arrives mysteriously to our house late Christmas Eve and leaves wonderful gifts for them under our tree.

It is magical.  It is wonderful.  It is life as they would want it to be.  Except… it isn’t real.

I have been more than a participant in this happy charade.  I have been the mastermind.  Granted, I had the help of the whole world around us, all of society and the collusion of modern media.

So, why is it, now that we are getting to the age of “the truth comes out” that I am feeling like I am in strangely familiar territory… and territory that I never wanted to be in again?  Why?  Because again, as I just said…this is another coming out.

I am flashing back almost three decades. I was lock step in another family tradition, the one that said the eldest son would go find a girl and date her, and marry her.  The feelings to do so would enter mysteriously into my consciousness, and leave little grand babies under my parent’s tree…  err, in the nursery.  It would be magical, wonderful and life as my parents would want it to be. But of course, it was not real either.

I worked very hard back then on my subterfuge.  Everything, of course, was at stake.  If they found out, they would not love me anymore and all that would be left was a life of shame and loneliness.

It is no wonder that this current subterfuge came so naturally then.  I was deeply comfortable with creating an alternate reality and making a great case for it for the casual observer.  Back then, I cruised attractive women in the presence of my parents and feigned embarrassment when they noticed me doing it. Awww, how embarrassing… you saw me look at the pretty lady that I have absolutely no interest in..   In the current version I upped my game by leaving foot prints, having the exact last minute requested gift they muttered hours before under the tree the next morning and photoshopped evidence  of a surprised Santa in front of our very tree.  My evidence has been so good that my sons have actually recently started to realize The Truth, only to remind them selves of The Proof, and faith has taken over again.

So here I am, looking out from the closet , part two.  This time, the hangers are doing a jingle bells clanging thing.

My first step needs to be answering the ultimate coming out question.  Do I bring it up first?  Or do I drop hints and let them bring it up when they start to figure it out?  I employed the latter with my parents.  That did not go very well.  Have you gone gay?  That was the question my sloppy behavior lead them to ask.    Has Santa gone non existent?  No, I can’t face that coming from my sons.

This time I have to bite the bullet.  I need to be the one to bring it up.  That would make the parallel dialogues go something like this:

Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you./    Jess, Jase, I have something to tell you.

What’s that son?  /    What’s that Daddy?

It is about my sexuality.   /    It is about Santa.

Oh?  What is it?    /      Oh? What is it?

I have not been honest with you   /    I have not been honest with you

You’re…not……gg..ggg               /    Whhh…what do you mean?

It’s not real.    /         Santa is gay.

Huh?     /              Oh…. Cool!  We thought so!

 

Yeah.  Yeah.  That is a much better approach.  Thank you all very much.  This has helped a lot!

Merry Christmas…and Happy Holidays!

 

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Are Linda Harvey’s Most Recent Anti-gay Comments Perverted or Just Wrong?

Posted on December 5, 2012 by robw77

ImageGood Lord, am I really going to write this?  In the spirit of “fair and balanced”, I am afraid I am.

I am finding myself to be in a place to “defend’ something said by anti-gay radio host Linda Harvey.  I am not a fan of Linda Harvey’s, nor am I in agreement with her point in her latest hysterical rant.  I am also not a fan of what I see as misrepresentation from the pro-gay reaction to her, especially when it is done in a way that leaves a derogatory implication about gay lives in the effort  to portray us as her victims.

Here is what happened.  Today the Pink News, a top gay newspaper in Europe, ran an article with the titie: “US Radio host: ‘Same-sex marriage encourages children to have gay sex’  “  .  Yikes, really?  She did that?  Well, no, she actually didn’t.  It is believable that the woman who says pretty whacked out stuff like, “Let’s take the example of a twelve year-old boy who was once molested…,  gay agenda activists want to add harmful ideas in this boy’s life at just the wrong moment… This boy will think he himself is one of these ‘born this way’ homosexual,” would say something like that, but, it was not what she said.

What she DID say is,   “Here’s how it works with homosexuality: since no pregnancy threat exists, some people think there’s no reason to prohibit behavior in the young, even the very young.  And that’s one of the big reasons by homosexual marriage is wrong: because the young are raised on the mores and traditions of the adults and if same sex marriage is accepted, then children will begin to consider dating and forming relationship in these very different ways; ways that will be very destabilizing to many of them and to our society.”  She was discussing “no reason to prohibit (homosexual) behavior”.  Pink News felt they needed to re-write this to “encourages sex”.  To me, “homosexual behavior” can include hand holding, school age crushes, love notes and valentines.

While Harvey’s choice of language may have intentionally hinted at children having sex at an inappropriate age, who knows—it IS Linda Harvey after all— she was making a valid observation worthy of conversation.  Where she was completely wrong in her commentary was in her conclusion around that observation.  It is a point that the Pink News does not address however, and that is the biggest problem with exaggerated reactions to people who are not our friends – we don’t get to bridge the gap on discussable points.

Here is the part of Harvey’s observation that is NOT wrong.  As kids in unbiased environments start investigating dating and romance, some will entertain same gender situations.  Notations in the American Sociological Review made by researchers, Judith Stacey and Timothy Biblar showed that that kids in gay parented households ARE more likely to be open to this kind of experimentation.  It has also been studied and reported that such experimentation does not change the young person’s orientation.  These experiments do not imply sexual intercourse, they are likely to be at the hand-holding and kissing level. 

This should not be news to any gay person.  So many of us experimented with, or more specifically earnestly tried to make work, heterosexual endeavors.  They did not lead us to a different orientation, nor will the open minded straight teen be lead there who tries a same sex kiss.

As a dad, if my young son decides that he has a crush on his same sex friend – do the pro-gay people who get riled by Harvey’s comment think that I should discourage the age-appropriate interaction and expression?  I am not talking about encouraging a trip to Motel 6, and I hope that   Harvey was not saying that either, but I would let him talk through his feelings and the best way to express them, and the physical and emotional limits.  It is THAT which Harvey fears.  She thinks it will destabilize society, (because the millions of same sex crushes that have already occurred have curbed population rates…..  not).

My suggestion here is not to over-react to these people, but to address some of the things they observe.  For some moderate heterosexuals, there will be an adjustment in their notions and may need some discussion to get them on board.

Kids in the world to come will have more freedom to discover who they are, and try things that tell them who they are not.  It will not, as Harvey suggests, be harmful, but will make them confident and secure in the healthiest of ways.

As far as Pink News, of which I am a fan, if it were me, and I were going to sensationalize Harvey’s rant… I would have gone this direction instead:

“Linda Harvey implies gay sex is immensely more satisfying than straight sex:  those who try it won’t go back.”

But, that’s just me…

 

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Putting the Q back in LGBTQ

Posted on December 4, 2012 by robw77

Guest blog by Patricia Saunders

ImageI had an interesting discussion today with a friend that I wanted to share with you. It all started with the question of the Native American concept of “Two-Spirits.” It’s one that a lot of people don’t understand and that the LGBT community doesn’t really have a “spot” for. It is a concept that I think deserves discussing though because I think it is something that some people may be struggling with.

Native American’s have a different approach to gender identity than the Western world does. Gender is something that is connected to your “spirit”, not your personality, orientation or gender identity. It has little to do with how you dress, and in fact not all Two-Spirits dressed as the opposite gender. The Two-Spirit is viewed as a completely third gender, both male-bodied and female-bodied are the same gender. It is probably what would be termed “Omni or bi-gendered” if those terms hadn’t been absorbed into the Trans label. And for those that feel that they are a balance or mix of both genders, trying to force them into that label is like trying to identify a bisexual as gay or lesbian.

In Native cultures, historically, the Two-Spirit has been seen to have a connection to the spirit that the average male or female doesn’t have. They have been seen in many tribes as possessing magical or spiritual powers. They married and interacted with both genders sexually without stigma. A male-bodied Two-spirit could go out and hunt in the morning with the men and come back and cook with the women. Now in today’s society that may not seem odd, but in a culture with strict gender roles it was a testament to how uniquely these individuals were seen. It is a concept that has, since the 1980s been embraced by native LGBT peoples in a way that the mainstream LGBT community has seemingly been unable to.

Let me give you an example. A friend of mine identifies as a “Queer straight female.” Her explanation usually ends up being “I was a gay man in a past life” or “A gay man in a woman’s body.” She is not Trans as she feels that her body is correct and there is no desire to change her physical identity. She feels perfectly comfortable in women’s clothing, wears her hair long and styled, and is perfectly happy that way. But inside she identifies with the gay male, not in a sympathetic way but in an empathetic. She “gets it”. Where does this leave her in the LGBT spectrum?

Another friend, the one that prompted this conversation, said he struggles with where he fits and who he is. As he put it to me “I feel equally comfortable stripping a rifle as baking a quiche.” He considered transitioning because of the close affinity to the female but knew that wasn’t him. He hates dressing as a woman, likes the fact that his body is genetically male, but doesn’t feel that he fits into any of the classic identifications. My response was “You are a beautiful, sensitive intelligent person and who cares about the rest.” But that’s hard in a society that wants labels.

So where do these people and those like them fit? It used to be under the Q in the GBLTQ designation but “Queer” isn’t politically correct in the community anymore. Unfortunately the loss of that descriptive has left many people feeling like they have to pigeon-hole themselves into one of the four accepted letters. Heaven forbid you are trying to explain it to a potential partner. How do we make this segment of the community feel whole and accepted? I don’t have the answer, I wish I did. Do you?

 

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The Loss of My “Twin Brother”, a World AIDS Day Remembrance

Posted on November 30, 2012 by robw77

ImageMark was not my biological twin brother, he was my spiritual and emotional twin.  We met on March 9th, 1982.  The room was up a narrow wooden staircase in an old brick building in the center of West Hollywood.  From the window, you could see men quietly slipping into one of the area’s most popular gay bars, The Eagle.

The men in this room with its red brick mortar were familiar with that bar, but were no longer patrons.  This was a meeting for recovery, and the first thing that Mark and I found out about each other that night was that we both had been sober the exact same amount of time:  four days.  We were the same biological age of 24.   We each had our stories, but one thing was certain, we were both ready for our rebirth into recovery.  And we got it.

Our bond was highlighted by little signs that we were meant to stroll this distance together as brothers.   My last name is Watson, his was Holmes… so our deep friendship had the literary allusion of Sherlock and the Doctor.   We were never romantic, the idea never even occurring to us, as we were too focused on establishing our new lives in recovery.  In today’s terms, we were “BFFs”.

After meeting, we were in constant contact, checking our moods and sharing about our sober adventures, our hopes, our crushes…life.  I remember the day I stayed at his house when we both attended our first sober convention—an event full of workshops, socialization (a challenge for newly sober alcoholics), and meetings. We sat quietly that morning, sipping tea, peaceful and content.  I never felt so safe and grounded in my life.

Bliss was not going to be a long term condition for us.  Shortly after our third sober “birthday”, Mark went to Palm Springs.  Before I expected him to return, I got a call.  He was in the hospital with some strange virus. I rushed over, and was horrified to see the set up outside his room… coverings and masks and rubber gloves.  I was being asked to “hazmat” up to enter.  I walked in and ripped the mask off immediately.  “They think it might be AIDS,” he said.

I stood in the middle of his hospital room, shaking, angry and adamant.  “GOD,” I declared, “Did NOT get you sober to let you die.  That is NOT going to happen.”

Physical medicine at that time was not offering much.  Years before, taking a brief sojourn from my bath in alcoholism, I had been deeply impressed by deep faith in spiritual means of healing.  Now, I was certain that someone, somewhere HAD to be addressing this disease in that way.  Certainly, if someone  was looking to perform miracles, the opportunity was here.

There was someone who had taken up that mission.  Her name was Louise Hay, and she had been documented in our local gay paper as hosting six men with AIDS in a prayer group in her living room.  When Mark left the hospital, we joined them.  The group had grown then to be about forty.

Soon, it escalated and hundreds were flocking to see Louise at the local community center.  Louise called in many alternative healing visionaries.  What ever did not occur in that throng in terms of successful conquering of AIDS, it was at least met by a new hope, dignity and a peace of mind that no one could have envisioned, given the situation.

That was true for Mark and myself.  We stayed away from what Louise called the “Ain’t it awfuls” .  Mark grew strong and confident, got a boy friend, and continued to live his life.  He bridged the gaps with his family, and he carried hope to the newly AIDS-diagnosed as he did to the newly sober.  We would meditate at the meetings and envelop ourselves in the mutual love and support we felt all around us in the room.  It seemed to me that our spirits left our bodies and they danced and intermingled in the air… two little boys at play, running the hillsides..before returning to us, leaving us calm and serene.

I remember one night sitting in his car after our weekly Louise Hay meeting.  It was many months after his diagnosis and things were going well.  He looked at me and said, “I am so grateful for how well I feel right now, and I often wonder what has allowed me to stay here.  I honestly think your love has kept me alive.”   I was blown away by that statement.  It came back to haunt me later when no matter how much I loved him …it was not enough to keep him here.

We also had episodes where the horror of the situation was something with which we had to deal.  He called me over to his house one late afternoon.  “The doctors have given me a choice,” he said. “I have an eye condition that is going to lead to blindness.  They have a drug to cure that.  They also have a drug that may save my life…a new one called AZT.  The problem is…  my body can’t handle both.  I have to choose.”  We sat quietly looking at each other.  Which would be sacrificed… his sight, or his life?   Mark came over to where I was and turned on the light and then went back to where he was sitting.   He sat and stared.  I realized he was memorizing my face.   I also understood which option he was going to choose.

One of Mark’s big life dreams was to go to Hawaii.  He went in the late fall, and when he returned, I noticed a change in him.  Some of his drive was gone.  I got the sense that he had lived his way down his “things before I go” check list, and he was done.  From then on, he went into decline.  A kind of senility started to set in, and he became increasingly feeble.  Our outings were like me guiding around my grandfather.  Mark was 28.

In early December, 26 years ago, Mark was again in the hospital at the UCLA medical center.  I went to visit him, as I was about to leave on a quick business trip.  He was sitting up in bed, and seemed fully THERE—no dementia, and almost with his youthful glow in tact.  We were both almost 5 years sober at that point, with our “birthday” only a few months away, which would be marked by us “taking cakes” at meetings in Los Angeles and speaking about our milestone.

“I need you to do something for me,” he said.  “And I know it will upset you when I ask you.  You hate it when I talk about it.”

“Go on…”  I answered.

“I need you to dedicate your first cake to me, “  he said quietly.  “I have worked so hard for my 5 years of sobriety, and I really wanted to make it to take that cake.”

“I was going to do that anyway, “ I said.  “Whether you were there or not.  But, you WILL be there.”   He and I looked at each other for a moment, both of us knowing that he would not be.

I kissed him good bye and went out into the night.  I walked around Westwood village by the medical center for a while rather than hopping right into my car.  The night was cold , crisp and wintery, yet there was something almost magical with a spirit in the air.

I never saw Mark again.  The next day, as I left the city, he left the planet.  I did dedicate my first cake to him a few months later, and many cakes and acknowledgement of my, our, sobriety ever since then.  He is in my soul, yet there will always be a nagging pain that he does not continue on to be a part of my life.

Today is World AIDS day. Mark was one of over forty CLOSE friends I lost to that horrible scourge, and despite advances, it is not done yet.  Please stop today and think about it a bit, remember, or if you weren’t alive yet…to imagine.  Send some love back out into the world.  Just as this disease has not yet left us, there are still hundreds of thousands of broken hearts that still need to be healed.  Mine is one of them.

“Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God’s free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding it’s sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride,
It followed the light through the crevice’s length
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing it’s fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive–
The rose still grows beyond the wall,

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forever-more.”

A. L. Frink

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