My younger brother is gay. Gay as laughter. Gay as the day is long. One of the finest moments in my life, and one of the greatest compliments anyone has ever paid me, was the day he felt safe to come out to me. He’s in his mid-30s now, but he’ll always be my little brother. And man, I love that kid. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. And he just married a phenomenal man.
I was always predisposed to like his husband because, y’know, he’s my brother’s partner and therefore has automatic status in my heart. The wonderful bonus is that I really like him. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. He’s a cool dude to hang out with. He also stood by my brother like a rock when my brother had a life-threatening cancer that cost him his left eye.
They married in May. It was a wonderful ceremony in which I was honored to stand by my brother, supporting him in his vows. My eyes teared up like they always do at weddings. I had the joy of watching two people commit to a lifetime together. It filled my heart.
Folks started posting photos from the wedding on Facebook, and I proudly reposted photos of the ceremony (with me looking awesome in my new suit, of course). Shortly after that, I received this message from a FB friend:
“Hey David, I am removing you from my friends list…sorry man, that latest post is way over the top! Homosexuals joining in “Holy” matrimony…I don’t think so??? The Holy Bible speaks out against homosexuality and speaks highly of Holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It’s nothing more than a slap in the face to those who choose God’s Word, for homosexuals to join in a Holy marriage. I’m only defriending you so I don’t have to look at your anti-God stuff anymore…nothing personal!”
Wow.
This came from a man I used to work with. A man I respect in his dedication to his family, and in his desire to live a moral and ethical life. A man with whom I have had some very interesting religious debates. He has become a Baptist preacher since we last spoke in person, and I suppose that makes this message unsurprising.
But, I was still surprised. I was taken aback. I needed a moment. I was hurt.
I was inclined to hurl some expletives in his direction.
But, only for a moment. He’s not really that important of a person in my life. I had actually at times grown rather tired of his Facebook postings…I don’t have a great need for fundamentalist dogma in my day. So, on some level, good riddance.
I sent him a letter at his church, expressing my disappointment in his withdrawal. I had a few friends read the letter before I sent it, to make sure that it didn’t contain too much bile. I’m not surprised that I haven’t heard back from him.
The situation got me thinking: What if this hadn’t been about my brother’s wedding, but about MY wedding? What if it hadn’t been from a distant friend, but from a beloved family member?
Ouch.
How many millions of gay kids (and adults) have had that exact thing happen to them? How many millions more will in the future?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for that pain. I’m sorry for that rejection. I’m sorry for that isolation.
I’m straight. Straight as a yardstick. Straight as an arrow. I am in your corner. If I could take on that pain for you, I would.
I love you.
If you’re gay, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world.
If you’re straight, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world. And I charge you, I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with YOU as the target of rejection. Imagine the people closest to you telling you, essentially, “You are fundamentally flawed and I want nothing to do with you.” Our LGBTQ brothers and sisters face this everyday. Please don’t forget that.
The poor, misguided soul is no longer in my life. That’s okay. My brother and his husband still are. I just hung out with my brother a few weeks ago, and it was a blast. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. I couldn’t be prouder to call him my brother. I love him, and love wins, period.
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You win. You have a wonderful brother, and a great brother-in-law. Your ex-friend just has hate in his heart. Your are Harry Potter, to his Voldemort.
This de-friender of yours is what we call a ‘Twot’!
More power to you, society needs to move forward not backwards.
Reblogged this on Queer Landia and commented:
A brother’s love knows no bounds.
You can’t control who you fall in love with and what you are attracted to. So why does anyone expect to control the desires of others? Who’d want to? Oh, that’s right, those folks that believe in a 6000 year old earth in the center of the universe, dinosaurs on an ark and a magical invisible man in the clouds. Stay hot ya’ll.
I’ve heard other stories of this sort and I always wonder, how were you friends with this person in the first place? I say, be thankful this person has self selected himself out. I’m just so tired of people who burn their energy on hate.
Thank you for this. I haven’t spoken to my younger sister and her husband for almost a year because her husband posted anti-gay sentiments on my FB page on a post I made about supporting gay marriage. When I got upset about it my sister not only defended him and agreed with him but told me off in no uncertain terms. My youngest son (her nephew) is gay and it broke my heart. i will never understand why people feel the need to bitterly judge others when their faith is supposed to be based on loving your fellow man. You were lucky this man wasn’t a close friend or family member. Trust me, nothing hurts quite like it.
Lisa – I am so sorry about the rift between you and your sister. Do your sister and brother-in-law have religious issues regarding LGBT people? Do you think your sister would go to a PFLAG meeting? I just wonder if she is supporting her husband because he is her husband. I don’t mean to butt in – I just hate to see a family divided. Thanks.
Thanks, Annette. Yes they have religious issues. My brother-in-law says it is how he was raised. I was raised the same as my sister and we went to church and never heard any hateful messages. It was all Love they neighbor, help those less fortunate than yourself, and don’t judge others. I do think her husband colors her views in many things but she told me specifically that she doesn’t agree with me “on the gays.” I doubt she would go to a PFLAG meeting as she won’t even discuss the issue. If I try to talk to her about it she immediately starts telling me how they are entitled to their opinion and I am blowing it out of proportion. I only hope that one day she will see that family should be able to support and love unconditionally.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lisa. This exemplifies the toxicity of this bigotry. Families becoming estranged, such an unnecessary tragedy.
Peace,
Dave
I always wonder with the bigots of this world how many of them actually know a gay or bisexual person. Not in the ‘That man there’s gay’ way, but as in a this is my friend Fred Bloggs and this is his partner John Doe. I’ve known him for years we went to school together.’ (I say partner cos with most it is a patnership as they’re not allowed to get married).
As Woody Allen said a long time ago: “If Jesus came back to earth and saw what people did in his name, he wouldn’t be able to stop throwing up.”
That’s great Joy!!!!
So. Heartbreakingly. True.
When I am confronted by this I am always reminded of what Ghandi said: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike him.”
Well said Mike
What really disturbs me is the people who think that if you support LGBT rights, you can’t be a person of faith – any faith. This is not an either-or situation – you can certainly be a Straight Ally and also believe in whatever faith you want to. Standing up for LGBT people does not preclude you from belonging to whatever religious community you want. National PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) has a new program called “Straight for Equality in the Faith Community.” This helps people have those conversations with those people and religious institutions that have issues with LGBT people and faith. The link to that is http://www.straightforequality.org/Faith#.UEVh-qMkqSo You can download the materials and learn how to have that conversation. I have a lot of respect for you – your brother certainly is fortunate to have you in his life! I wish him and his husband a long and happy life together!
Thank you so much for this! My heart is broken for those who are treated this way, especially in the name of Jesus or Christianity. It is so ugly and hurtful. Lots of love and blessings to you and your brother and his husband. Love never fails. 🙂
I just want to thank you for posting this. I am in my 3 1/2 year of seminary in Atlanta (ugh… another semester too long for my second degree) and I admittedly was on the “homosexuality is a sin” side of the argument entering the program. But from my own personal study of scripture and through friendships I made I am happy to say I am now on the completely opposite side of the argument. I came to the realization that 1) I held certain convictions to be true because I was told they were true (I have since left the church in which I was taught to be conservative), and 2) Holding on to the the idea that a person is horrible and sinful because of their sexuality undermined my ability to fully love another as Christ has called us to love. I’ll tell you what, since then I have never been happier, faithful, and have never been able to fully live into who I am as a Christian as I am now. In the end, love prevails.
The real tragedy here is that these people are making the word “Christian” synonymous with hate, ignorance and cruelty. They are no more following the teachings of Jesus than Klansman are when they burn crosses on innocent people’s lawns. I think it might be time to differentiate the KKKristians from real followers of Christ by spelling their name accordingly.
Thank you! I love your comment and you are so very right.
You are an amazing brother and an even more awesome human being! But isn’t it strange, that we have to take the time to thank someone for having empathy and standing on the side of love, and doing the right thing. Your unconditional love and behavior should be practiced by EVERYONE. And truthfully, your religious friend is not really a Christian, he is a “Christianist” – those who use and exploit religion as a weapon to stir up hate and harm to other people. Sadly there are many, many more just like him – such as the millions of people who made a POINT to proudly shove their hate in our faces, by eating at Chick-Fil-A a few weeks ago. But here’s the good news: those people are NOT the majority of this country, or this world. And they soon be just as extinct as the dinosaurs they resemble. Anyway, kudos again to you! You rule!
– http://www.BornThisWayBlog.com
I couldn’t agree more, Paul. It seems a little preposterous that I did anything special by attending by brother’s wedding and sharing photos from that joyous occasion.
Alas, as you point out, the times they are a’changin’. Let’s just keep up the good, loving vibes and time will do the rest.
Peace,
Dave
I say you don’t need people like that in your life when all they are going to do is push you into the ground and shove things down your throat. Everything happens for a reason and whether you know it or not, you will eventually find out the reason. Negative people in your lives will always, ALWAYS, make a good day go bad. So I say, “GOOD RIDDANCE!”
He said it wasn’t personal, but the fact that he wrote to say he was unfriending and why makes it personal. That is the sad part for me, that he went out of his way to make you feel bad.
Love wins. Amen. Wonderful post.
Talk about giving Christions a bad name… What is more than sad to me is this man will be preaching to many people. Sadly he is NOT preaching the word of Jesus, because Jesus was all about LOVE so he must be preaching about Satan… He is the one who is against LOVE, ALL LOVE!
Sorry for my typos!
Everyone deserves love, and deserves to be loved by another human being, whether that love come to them from the opposite gender, or from their own gender, and as long as you’re not loving on my underage daughter, man or woman, then how you choose to love is none of my business. You’re all in my prayers for a life well lived, always.
Thank you, Sandy.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
As a woman who’s just celebrated 27 years with her girlfriend, thank you for this sensitive article. But please, don’t apologize. Seeing you say “I’m sorry” for all straight people is heart wrenching and not at all necessary. It’s folks like you that get folks like us and your brother through hard times, help us deal with that rejection when it comes, and realize how little we need to regard the opinions of people who disregard our humanity.
Alright, Salamanders. How about instead of apologizing, I just emphasize the, “I’m here for you. I’m on your side. Let’s celebrate life together!”
Congratulations to you and your girlfriend!
Peace,
Dave
I am baffled by intolerance of any kind, but especially toward the gender of the people we love. Is there so much love in the world that we should criticize it when our friends find it? Most likely all these sadly bigoted people have at least one gay friend or relative, whether they know it or not, whether they admit it or not. To de-friend someone in any way is a real shame. Too bad they are sentencing themselves to live with a cold gap in their heart where that person used to be. Personally, I want my heart filled with all the loved ones I am lucky enough to find!
You said it!!!! The Gospel truth is: Love your neighbor as your self.” Some just do not get it.
Awe, you made me teary eyed.
Amen, Frankie!
Reblogged this on Kenosis: Empty Thyself and commented:
Instead of sharing a creation of mine, I would like to share something that touched me in a very special way. This story represents a move towards “making room for God to enter”.
Wonderful story. Being a gay priest, I can understand that hurt and pain. It’s okay, your friend was a never a true friend in that sense of the word. Sounds like you gained a better friend in your brothers husband. I applaud your openness and this story.
Thank you, Father David.
Thanks for this. I’m not gay and currently only slightly touched by friends who are, but have been feeling some strain over hateful things posted by Fundamentalist family members of late. Would love to have relatives more like you!
Hi Lady,
I think that the best we can do is keep putting out positivity and love. Someday it’ll all come around.
Peace,
Dave
Well, cut him some slack. He was probably in the midst of his 3rd divorce.
To be fair, Val, my erstwhile friend is a very dedicated family man, which was one of the things that we were able to connect about prior to this incident.
That said, I hear your message loud and clear.
Peace,
Dave
I couldn’t agree more – LOVE truly does win. You are awesome as are your family.
So glad you agree, Adrienne. Hopefully soon the whole world will see it that way.
Peace,
Dave
Thank you for your wonderful post and support. My family all supported me and my husband when we got married and I did not loose any friends when I posted the pictures. Christian love, I think too many people have lost sight of what that really means.
Hi Dave,
I am profoundly heartened to hear about your supportive family. Still so strange that that should be in any way out of the ordinary.
Big congratulations to you and your husband!
Peace,
Dave
as the mother of a gay son who had to move to madrid spain to legally marry his hubby, this hit home. I love/adore/worship my son in law. I was able to attend their wedding via a cell phone at least lol
Hi Tres,
That separation of distance must be tough, but how nice for your son and his husband to know that they have your full support and love.
Peace,
Dave
my brother actually defriended me the other day on FB because of gay related posts i had on my profile. he didnt want to have to explain my circumstances to his children. wish i had a more understanding and loving brother ..
I am sorry so to hear this…
I am so sorry, Robert. What is even more sad is that I am sure his kids could have handled the information with no difficulty. Someday, it will be a non-issue.
Peace,
Dave
Thank you for sharing this story. It really does mean so much.
Thank you, Happiness. I am so pleased that it touched you.
WOW! Kudos to you. Reminds me on one friend, a former student*, whose mother and wife had a baby shower for my daughter and her wife. Our extended families had always held a common special holiday dinner, and celebrated family events (birthdays, baptisms, weddings) together. Even after my daughters’ wedding we all were included. But once the baby was born, we were never invited or acknowledged again. * I even had stuck by him in his drug dealing days! But then he found Rush but I still was kind and friendly to him!
Ouch brother… as in the band Rush? RUSH rocks!!! LOL.
I’m guessing he means Rush Limbaugh.
Rush the band, does in fact rock.
Thanks, Steve.
I think that the best we can do is to continue to be kind, even in the face of rejection like this, while standing firmly by our LGBTQ peeps.
This is a lovely video, in case you haven’t seen it yet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThzdsnXeE28
Peace,
Dave
Such a beautiful essay. When my husband and I flew out to his sister and sister in law’s wedding, we were bowled over by the reaction of their friends to our attendance. Of course we’d be at their wedding! Why wouldn’t we be?? To not be would be unthinkable. I have shared this post to my fb page, I don’t think in my circle there will be any surprises, I don’t surround myself with people who can’t handle love.
Spot on, Kim. What could be more normal that attending and celebrating my sibling’s wedding? Some day the world will catch on. Until then, it’s always nice to hear from fellow allies.
Peace,
Dave
Thank you for understanding. Us in the gay community, depending on where we live in the world. Always have to face the possibility of being treated that way in all fascets of life. At work.. By our own family sometimes. By the community. By school mates.. Before coming out even by ourselves to an extent. So the wedding issue is just the tip of the iceberg.
Hugs
Thank YOU, Patrik.
I am proud to be an Ally and I know there are many more like me. Some day, we won’t even need the word Ally, because there will be no homophobes to ally against. I am looking forward to that time.
Peace,
Dave
Wow. You sure got the best of that deal–dumped a durp and picked up a wonderful new family member. Good for you!!
Plus, my bro-in-law has sweet and wonderful parents, a great sister, a cool bro-in-law, some delightful nephews, and a ton of great friends.
Yeah, I made out pretty well, thanks for noticing!
I shared this on my Facebook page — and I’m quite certain I will be shy a few friends by the end of the day, one more have seen it. I don’t care, because at the end of the day, the most important commandments were to love Jesus and to love one another. Judgment is not love – its hate and fear couched in rhetoric
You’re right, ‘Busy’. When I post things like this or anything political on my FB account, I always use my controls to block my in-laws from seeing the posts. It’s sad, and I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t for the possible issues of my MIL seeing the posts would cause my husband, you know?
I also shared this on my FB page… and am expecting two people to defriend me over it. But it doesn’t matter, because I support my many FB and non FB REAL friends and their partners, and I love them all.
I shared it on my fb page as well, and expect exactly no unfriendings over it.
The ones who would have all been gone for months, and good riddance to them. I believe I’ve probably lost all the friends I’m going to lose over being an ally, and I’m comfortable with the fact that I seem to now come with some sort of homophobe early-warning label system. They just keep right on walkin’.
I say let’s keep living our lives in love, and the ones who walk away from us will eventually see what a great time we’re having and ask to come and join the party.
Let’s welcome them with open arms when they do (even if it’s not in this lifetime)!
Thanks for commenting.
Peace,
Dave
Thank you.
You are welcome, thank you.
Thank you for being there for your brother and his husband. Your living example of unconditional love for them moved me to tears, happy tears.
Sadly, your preacher friend has hardened his heart and is deceived into thinking that the kind of love your brother and his husband feel for each other is evil. Reminds me of the saying “Be careful who you hate, it could be someone you love.”
Keep up the good fight!
Thanks, Eddie!
We who work for love will never rest.
Peace,
Dave
Love how the Christians are so tight with the “love your neighbour as yourself” thing.
Not all Christians. Please don’t lump every Christian into the same category as this man and those like him. Many, many of us do not feel this way.
Dii,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yes, I have a hard time with hypocrisy myself. I am fortunate enough to have many wonderful Christian friends (my partners on this Blog, for example) who DO emphasize the love aspect of Jesus’ teaching.
I recommend this essay: https://evolequals.com/2012/09/15/good-christians-and-strange-fruit/
“DO NOT use my gentle, loving Christ to justify hate, judgments and violence.” (from the essay)
Peace,
Dave
Wonderful story. Wish there were more people who felt as you do. Thanks for dusting.
Thanks for sharing
Thank you, Carla. I firmly believe that we (humans) are moving in the right direction on this issue.
Peace,
Dave
God bless you and your brother. The real God, the one who accepts people for who they are, who He created them to be. So impressive that you did not lash out, you just turned the other cheek. I have a hard time with that one when people come after my brother, my cousin, by son’s Godfathers, my mom’s cousin……I think of these faces and what these people mean to me and the thought of anyone hating them makes my blood boil. Then I remember that I am the one who gets to know them, love them, hang out with them, and remember that I am the lucky one, and they are not, and I pray for them that they will figure it out. Thanks for your blog!
I know what you mean by lashing out. I try so hard not to let anger get the better of me. The only logical reason of being here is to learn all aspects of love, loss of love which measures the depth of your love for that person, loving others who are different, loving others who hurt you, love of children, of animals, learning unconditional love etc. Too many people follow “the book” to the letter and you can’t, it’s been dismantled, twisted and warped by human beings throughout the years. If youve ever had a near death experience you’d know the true depth of love is indescribable by human words and does not descriminate. The level of forgiveness there is incomprehensible as well as love and acceptance, no matter who you are or how you lived your life.
PS. I LOVE YOU, ALL OF YOU
Wow! People will never cease to amaze me with their attitudes towards gays, I think you did well not to point out some of the flaws in his belief system, other than its ridiculous views on homosexuality. People are people regardless of their sexuality, and some of the best people I know are gay. Good bloggage 🙂
Love on, Brother!
Hi Collette,
Thank you for commenting. It definitely took some effort to not lash out, it was certainly made easier by the fact that everything was happening via the internet. I am, in fact, quick to anger when someone comes after my loved ones, I think that most humans are.
Your point about being the lucky one is spot on. My brother and his husband are amazing, and anyone who would willingly deprive themselves of these men by rejecting their marriage is being profoundly foolish.
Keep up the love!
Dave
I must say that although I cannot Speak for others I can say You’re just like the people in my family everyone loves and supports me And its people like you and my family that makes this world an amazing place its always humbling to see that our lives so greatly affect yours but you greatly affect the lives of the rest of us. May you always be blessed on your Journey in this world. Thank You and Mitakuye Oyate
Thank you for the kind words, Larry. I am truly happy for you and your family that Love has risen to the top of your family values.
All my relations,
Dave
WOW, while I have no right to speak for the entire LGBT community – thank you! I have an older brother that has a lot of difficulty with me being gay, he was my idol when I was a kid. I am now 54, he’s 65 – and still can’t talk about it. You are a great big brother dude!!! ❤
Thanks, Treboros!
I hope your brother gets over it and figures out what he’s missing by not fully embracing you.
Peace,
Dave
My own sister defriended me because similarly she stated she couldn’t bear to ‘look’ at or ‘see’ my Democrat/Obama supporting postings. She is in her 50’s and is so right-winged that she deleted her own sister because of her intolerance for my support for issues very much like what happened to your brother. Crazy. Over the years I have never allowed our religious or political differences effect our relationship. As far as I am concerned, she is no longer in my life as well. My disabled toddler and I don’t need the hate mongering that individuals of such fanaticism project in our world. God bless your brother and his partner…. and you for being such a loving and true brother.
Hi Rain,
I’m so sorry to hear about the rift between you and your sister. I sincerely pray that time will heal.
In the meantime, I hope you are surrounded by loving, open-minded people.
Peace,
Dave
Your brother is lucky to have you. Wonderful post!
Thank you, my friend!
Love wins. Great testimony of love from you and your family. The former fb friend was not voicing an opinion but “telling his truth” as THE truth. Hopefully we can get back to opinions vs. “a with me or against me” truth brigade mentality that doesn’t even permit us to work together in community. Sad. Glad you supported love!!!
Well said, Rhonda. I must admit that I am a bit of a fundamentalist myself, seeing love as THE truth. I try to stay open…
Thanks for commenting!
Thats such a lovely piece. Thank you for sharing that, I await to see if I get similar treatment somewhere along the line as I have someone in my family who is part of the great LGBT family. Love to all, Jenny x
Thanks for the comment, Jenny. While of course I hope you and your loved one never have to face similar rejection, I’m glad that they have you on their side if it happens.
Peace,
Dave
Thank you – this was beautifully said. I’m in your shoes – a straight girl with gay loved ones. I feel the hurt and anger when I see hatred and ignorance hurled at them (and all LGBT folks), but I can only imagine what it would feel like being the target of it. Its sad that people are so terribly misguided. Its sad that people hide behind religion instead of facing their bigotry. Here’s to hoping it will be different for my kids. Here’s to hoping more and more people will realize that there is nothing more ugly, and nothing less God/Christ-like than being ignorant and hateful.
Here’s how much time my girls spend thinking about the fact that their uncles are gay: NONE. They don’t understand why I spend so much time with pro-LGBTQ activism. I hope they never have to understand.
Thanks for commenting.
It always baffles me when someone says he/she has a “great friend” whose gayness he/she does not “support or condone”. I have never heard a gay or lesbian person say, “I have a great friend who does not support or approve of me being gay.” NOW, they may have a co-worker, or family member, or a neighbor who’s against it, but Not Once has the gay person ever specifically used the word FRIEND to describe a such person in his/her life. Reason obvious.
I like robw77’s earlier comment (https://evolequals.com/2012/09/03/defriended-2/comment-page-1/#comment-289) about how the “great friends” tolerate the co-worker who doesn’t condone their “lifestyle”. Perspective is everything.
Thanks for commenting!
What a heartwarming post! (I actually have goosebumps all over!) I love how you came to see the humor in the idiocy of the Baptist pastor’s remarks. I would have wanted to drive right over to his house and have it out, so clearly, you are a much better person than me. lol Seriously, your perspective was refreshing. I never thought to look at their bigoted behavior as funny. Thank you for a gentle and loving post!
Well, it didn’t hurt that I don’t live in the same state as he does anymore! LOL
Thank you for your comments. All we can do is stand up and give out MORE LOVE!
Making our world a better place for evereyone…..one child at a time
http://www.childrenoftherainbowuu.org
Never underestimate the power of the rainbow
I am always gobsmacked by the fact that declare “I am Christian, and everyone else must be too.” are always the least Christ-like in their actions and beliefs.
From the website, “we will STAND ON THE SIDE OF LOVE”
Thank you for this work and this resource.