My younger brother is gay. Gay as laughter. Gay as the day is long. One of the finest moments in my life, and one of the greatest compliments anyone has ever paid me, was the day he felt safe to come out to me. He’s in his mid-30s now, but he’ll always be my little brother. And man, I love that kid. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. And he just married a phenomenal man.
I was always predisposed to like his husband because, y’know, he’s my brother’s partner and therefore has automatic status in my heart. The wonderful bonus is that I really like him. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. He’s a cool dude to hang out with. He also stood by my brother like a rock when my brother had a life-threatening cancer that cost him his left eye.
They married in May. It was a wonderful ceremony in which I was honored to stand by my brother, supporting him in his vows. My eyes teared up like they always do at weddings. I had the joy of watching two people commit to a lifetime together. It filled my heart.
Folks started posting photos from the wedding on Facebook, and I proudly reposted photos of the ceremony (with me looking awesome in my new suit, of course). Shortly after that, I received this message from a FB friend:
“Hey David, I am removing you from my friends list…sorry man, that latest post is way over the top! Homosexuals joining in “Holy” matrimony…I don’t think so??? The Holy Bible speaks out against homosexuality and speaks highly of Holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It’s nothing more than a slap in the face to those who choose God’s Word, for homosexuals to join in a Holy marriage. I’m only defriending you so I don’t have to look at your anti-God stuff anymore…nothing personal!”
Wow.
This came from a man I used to work with. A man I respect in his dedication to his family, and in his desire to live a moral and ethical life. A man with whom I have had some very interesting religious debates. He has become a Baptist preacher since we last spoke in person, and I suppose that makes this message unsurprising.
But, I was still surprised. I was taken aback. I needed a moment. I was hurt.
I was inclined to hurl some expletives in his direction.
But, only for a moment. He’s not really that important of a person in my life. I had actually at times grown rather tired of his Facebook postings…I don’t have a great need for fundamentalist dogma in my day. So, on some level, good riddance.
I sent him a letter at his church, expressing my disappointment in his withdrawal. I had a few friends read the letter before I sent it, to make sure that it didn’t contain too much bile. I’m not surprised that I haven’t heard back from him.
The situation got me thinking: What if this hadn’t been about my brother’s wedding, but about MY wedding? What if it hadn’t been from a distant friend, but from a beloved family member?
Ouch.
How many millions of gay kids (and adults) have had that exact thing happen to them? How many millions more will in the future?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for that pain. I’m sorry for that rejection. I’m sorry for that isolation.
I’m straight. Straight as a yardstick. Straight as an arrow. I am in your corner. If I could take on that pain for you, I would.
I love you.
If you’re gay, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world.
If you’re straight, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world. And I charge you, I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with YOU as the target of rejection. Imagine the people closest to you telling you, essentially, “You are fundamentally flawed and I want nothing to do with you.” Our LGBTQ brothers and sisters face this everyday. Please don’t forget that.
The poor, misguided soul is no longer in my life. That’s okay. My brother and his husband still are. I just hung out with my brother a few weeks ago, and it was a blast. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. I couldn’t be prouder to call him my brother. I love him, and love wins, period.
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MY brother is a deadbeat dad who didn’t even attend his only child’s high school graduation. He didn’t attend her wedding. The only time he sees her is when my parents get them together, and he uses his precious time with her to call her mother horrible names. He lives in a single-wide trailer that my parents bought for him because they wanted him out of their house at the age of forty-two. He drives a car that my parents gave him to a crappy minimum wage job, one of many in a long string of crappy jobs. But he’s my brother.
I would far rather hold my head up and tell the world, “My brother is a college graduate who takes care of his child and who is a blessing to our parents. Oh, and he’s gay.”
Why is my STRAIGHT loser-of-a-brother more valuable in the eyes of prejudiced people than an upstanding, loving man who happens to be gay? Because he’s not an “abomination.”
We are all sinners. I will confess right now to my horrible sin of running the same stop sign every morning on my way to work. Why aren’t people praying for my soul? Why aren’t they unfriending me on Facebook? Because they’re idiots, that’s why.
I am so fiercely proud of you for standing up for your brother and for gay people, and for opening yourself up to hatred on your own website. You are an example to society as a whole, and I can only hope that they someday will measure up to the glorious standards you set.
From the bottom of my (queer) heart, to you, a complete (straight) stranger: I love you too.
Thank you. Simply and appreciatively thank you. Everyone should have you as a Brother.
I’d be honored to take the preacher’s place on your friend list.
I don’t see that the person that defriended did anything morally wrong. He was upfront about why he felt the need – instead of arguing each post he disagreed with, he removed him from a situation that he was uncomfortable with. His values are no less important than those of the author, just different. If the message was in private and he did not make a public spectacle of the situation, he behaved acceptably, perhaps not sensitively or even “politically correct” by some standards, but he followed his beliefs. Just as the author is following his.
He could have just quietly removed himself. It’s a “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” kind of thing. If I thought your sister’s wedding was tacky, I’d never criticize it in an unsolicited private message to you. Because it’s rude. His brother’s wedding wasn’t a political statement. It was his brother’s wedding. And one keeps their mouth shut about other people’s family.
Hi Misplacedinia, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am not sure someone “following their beliefs” is the stanard to be emulated. Neo Nazis could be very direct in following their beliefs as could Fred Phelps Westboro Church. I do not find either “moral” simply because of that fact.
Let’s just say that the man who de-friended David, besides having appallingly bad taste, is probably not the best candidate to be explaining Jesus’s two great commandments to people… particularly the “love your neighbor as yourself” part. Rejecting someone for wanting the same partnering in their lives that you have in yours is selfish and arrogant. You might not find that “morally wrong”, but I do not find it “acting acceptably”.
You are just Wonderfull! You touched my heart, with this beautiful post and supporting gay rights. We need more from you and straight people to get justice. Even here in the Netherlands with the right to marriage there is more to be done XX from over the Oceans
I wish my big sister was more like you.
I like how so many people use the excuse “the Bible says!” not everyone believes in the Bible and just because some do, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to. that’s what I don’t get, pushing one belief system on everyone because it’s the “right” one.
Anyway, props to the author. I’d stand by my siblings for anything in a heartbeat.
you made me cry. i wish more people had brothers and friends like you! thanks for sharing.
Beautifully said.
Hi!
My lil bro is gay too and no matter what happens, i will always love him!! He’s smart, funny, very kind and sexy as hell!!! 😉
It doesn’t change nothing in my heart and if someone would unfriend me, it would be his/her lost!! Family is the most important thing in my life!!!!
I LOVE YOU my little bro and so proud of you!!!!!
Thank you for loving your brother so much and putting yourself in his shoes. You are a gracious man and one I would be glad to call my friend.
Thanks for being a wonderful human being. We need a lot more like you to stand up to the hatred and homophobia our LGBT brothers and sisters deal with everyday.
Thanks for this post and for the love and support you extend to your brother and brother-in-law. It is always moving when I learn of straight allies and family members standing up for their gay friends and relatives. I am old enough to remember when families routinely shunned their gay members or accepted them only grudgingly, often with the stipulation that they “don’t talk about it.” That was very painful and soul killing. By chance, before coming here I had read an essay by a retired Lutheran minister who was transformed when two of his four children came out to him. He and his wife are now marriage equality activists in Washington state. The essay is on glbtq.com. Here is a link.
Thank you! Thank you for being the kind of loving, accepting human being everyone should strive to be. Thank you for writing this article to bring more awareness and hopefully open people’s hearts and minds. Thank you for being you. It’s people like you that make this world a better place. Your brother must be very proud.
Truly brotherly love! The most interesting thing about your former friend’s post is that he felt perfectly comfortable writing a really snarky message to go along with the de-friending; which could have been done silently or with a much simpler message, such as stating he doesn’t support gay maraige. Instead, he felt he had the right to tell you off in a very pompous and unkind manner; and then had the audacity to tell you it was not personal. Pity the poor heterosexual couples who may go to him for marriage counseling.
Pity even more the teens who gather up their courage to tell their trusted pastor this secret about themselves, and who are given the response that GOD has “de-friended” them because of it. Which of these two is more like God? The one who loves? or the one who de-friends? The God I believe in doesn’t de-friend anyone. Period.
Bravo for this wise and sensitive post, and for voicing your experience! As the proud “mother of the brooms” to a gay/trans married son and son-in-law, I know the hairy eyeballs that love, respect and inclusiveness can attract from those who espouse….other…..dogma. Blessings to you, your brother and brother-in-law, and good wishes to them for many years of wedded bliss!
I am a born again believer and love Jesus with all my heart but I also love the human race with all my heart. I do not care what color, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs and so on are; because of this I have had other born again believers shun me. Unfortunately when I look at them I see a hypocrite and I pray for them. Like one person posted, we all have feelings, we all hurt and we all bleed. I pray that one day people who are blind to this fact, that their eyes will be open. All God’s creatures are worth fighting for and protecting. So I don’t know exactly what I am trying to say but I do know even though I am a Christian will support and love everyone that passes through my life, no matter what. I guess I am also trying to say that not all of us religious folk are like this mans friend. What would Jesus do?
Peace, I love this. I hope you continue to raise your voice as a Christian – so that the world knows that there are far more wonderful, loving Christians in the world than bigoted, small-minded ones, who just happen to be really loud. Great post, great comment. Love wins, always.
Maybe somebody else noted this, but the use of the phrase “nothing personal” was so disingenuous. Everything in his words and actions was personal. It’s a method of trying to make it seem palatable what he did, when in fact it was intensely personal.
No kidding! I thought the same thing. I wonder how he can possibly be an effective pastor with that little grasp of communication?
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That would be the one Bible thing people decided to actually care about, wouldn’t it? (Bible also says you can stone a man to death for shaving or for mixing cotton with wool.) So good for your brother for being able to deal with this crud all the time, good for you for being a decent human being ™, and not good for the person who unfriended you for being a hypocrite.
Bravo. I just reposted this to facebook, and told all my friends that I’d go out with you. Intelligently thoughtful is sexy 🙂
Wow, what a powerful and important post. Thank you for sharing this and much happiness to your brother, his husband and your entire family. The world would be a better place if more people would choose respect and love over bigotry.
Thank you. Your words brought tears to my eyes. In the face of daily rejection a strangers words can lift the spirits of the struggling. I think a lot of people forget behind this “issue” lies a human (many) with feelings just like everyone else. We love, we hurt, we bleed and we are not just our sexuality.
Just want to say that as a Baptist, and hopefully one day an ordained Baptist, I would have been proud to not only be at the wedding, but (if possible) perform the ceremony. There are many Baptists that would!
Check out:
http://www.awab.org
http://www.allianceofbaptists.org
Peace and Blessings to you, your brother, his husband, and their marriage!
Carter McNeese
Carter, as a Baptist yourself you should know there are three types of Baptists: Baptists, American Baptists and AMERICAN Baptist, now more commonly called Southern Baptists. I have been branded by the third type as an alcoholic because I have a drop of wine if we go out for a meal and if we go to a party, heaven forbid, I have two glasses of wine. The old man has vodka, not wine.
Absolutely. People have a hard time with the idea that I am a Baptist in the South, but not a Southern Baptist! I would also argue that there are A LOT more than three types of Baptists, but I get your point.
Also, many SBCers would faint if they knew how/what I drank. I may be a Baptist, but I’m still Irish!
I like reminding people that there is more than one kind of Baptist, and that many (not most, unfortunately) do our best to radically Love ALL our neighbors, not just the ones that we like!
Sshhh, don’t say it too loud, but I smoke as well.
Gave it up almost 3 years ago.
Two interesting facts: Elijah Craig, who many consider the “inventor” of bourbon, was a Baptist Minister in KY.
Also, the Reynolds family (as in RJ Reynolds, makers of fine tobacco products like Camels) gave huge sums of money and land to Wake Forest University, which at the time was still closely associated with the NC Baptist State Convention.
The KJV of the bible was translated by Catholics under the king’s direction. They molded people’s beliefs by the words they chose, misleading generations of “Christians”. The God I believe in loves everyone, no matter what.
Uh, no. The King James Bible was translated by the Church of England, the head of which was, of course, King James. The Catholics had nothing to do with it.
sorry. Right comment. Wrong church.
The church of England was the catholic church sorry
The Church of England split from the Catholic Church during the reign of HenryVIII, a few generations before King James.
And the irony??? King James was gay.
Um, no… The Church of England was NOT Catholic. The Church of England came into being because they BROKE AWAY from the Catholic church because they did not allow divorce. The Church of England is the original Anglican church, which is the Episcopal Church now.
The funny thing about all of this Church of England hate? Episcopalians are one of very few churches who actually outwardly accept homosexuals and do not judge them. Hell, we even ordained a gay bishop. It’s just funny to me. But we are DEFINITELY NOT Catholic!!
In the words of Robin Williams: “Episcopalian is basically Catholic light.” Less judgemental.
glenncrawford, I had no idea. Thanks for the history trivia. I just spent 30 minutes reading his entry on Wikipedia. I’d say he sounds more bisexual than homosexual, though. He had many male lovers (presumably) but also got his wife pregnant at least 12 times in their 30 years together.
Sorry. The King James Version of the bible was translated in 1611 under the auspices of James the First of England, head of the Anglican Church. The Catholic Church had nothing to do with the translation in as much as it was an attempt to bring together the Puritan Faction and the Traditionalist Faction of the Anglican(Episcopal in U.S.) Church. There had been other attempts at translating the whole Bible into English from the time of Henry VIII but without success since each espoused a particular viewpoint that was not in keeping with the meaning of the words in Scripture. Until 1534 there was no other church in England but the Catholic One. It objected to Henry naming himself Head of the Church and was persecuted. James had come from Scotland after the death of Henry’s daughter Elizabeth and had been raised as a Protestant. You’re mistaken or perhaps prejudiced and certainly wrong. Up until
Thank you, Mr. Data.
That may be true but as a kid growing up Catholic the KJV was the Bible translation being used by the church
I was also brought up as a Catholic and the nuns and priests who taught me didn’t use the KJV. unfortunately, my husband has stacked a load of stuff in front of the book case where my Catholic Bible is so I can’t look at the name of the version.
I wish there was more people like this!!! I’ve got an amazing family & friends! MY FAMILY & FRIENDS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME & I WOULD DEFRIEND ANYBODY WHO DISCRIMATES AGAINST ANY OF THEM!!
I love this post and good for you for being there for your brother!
Thank you for the letter, sometimes hearing kind words from a stranger means a lot. I was disowned from my birth family after being adopted and coming out. You are an awesome brother!
So he expected you to abandon your brother with whom you had gone through cancer and had been intensely close to all his life and ruin his wedding, which he would not have been able to have if he had not had a good support system when he had the cancer. The Bible goes so far as to tell a man to marry his brother’s wife and have kids by her if he dies, notwithstanding if the brother already has a wife. That is how the Bible feels about family ties. How Christian of him!
Would you consider sharing the letter you sent him (with personal details deleted, of course)? I’d be really interested to know what you said in response to such a thing.
Being an ally can be tough sometimes because you are voluntarily entering a fight based solely on your faith and ethics, much as the white people who stood by Dr. Martin Luther King did, rather than on personal discrimination. There is this terrible misconception around that makes people believe that the only people who support gay marriage are gay people. They got shaken when our happily married, blatantly heterosexual president came out for it. The black preachers especially did.
But you know what I think? I think your preacher ex-friend is dealing with himself, with what it means to be a Christian and maybe even where his own sexuality is. He is afraid that if he even talks to you he will be contaminated like the lepers in the Bible who had to ring bells and call out “unclean” so no one would catch their disease. He is stubbornly clinging to his own beliefs in the face of his knowledge of God and Jesus Christ telling him they are wrong. He also has a great deal to lose financially if he changes them, being a Baptist, especially Southern Baptist since that denomination will disfellowship churches and ministers that support gay marriage, and he is not ready to even allow the idea to move around in his head. He is afraid to be your friend because you might make him see the truth and change him.
As someone who is Interested in both sexes and whose partner is as well and has been attacked for there sexuality and turned on this made me cry and thank you from the bottom of our heart thank you we need morepeople like that in this world
What a beautiful post! I am very lucky…like your brother. My family love and accept my wife. They all attended our wedding an my oldest brother (a Master Sgt USMC) gave a beautiful toast welcoming my wife into our crazy family. They are all straight some liberal and some conservative but all love me.
Jesus taught many things this preacher has missed. The greatest of these is love! Too bad he has taken his love of God and Jesus to that dark angry place.
Hi, this is for the author of this article. I am wondering if your brother lost his eye to ocular myeloma. The reason why I am wondering is that I have just lost my oldest friend to that cancer. This malignancy is rare and is frequently mismanaged. It can never really be cured, but it can be treated. Your brother needs life long follow up if he has had this cancer. My friend did not get proper treatment and now she is dead. The University of Pennsylvania has the best program for ocular myeloma, and their protocol should be followed. M. Valhoff
Good.
I suspect a lot of people are mostly just freaking out at what’s coming in the Future and their response is to run away from it. That is unfortunate. Their choice, but unfortunate.
The de-friender has baggage/issues/fears – otherwise he wouldn’t be emotionally affected by something someone else is doing that doesn’t concern him. I have 2 siblings who are the same way. I de-friended them, but not as a punishment, and not because I didn’t understand they have issues. I defriended them because it upset me too much to think that I wasn’t worth, to them, looking at their own issues and owning them.
I am sorry you felt you had to de-friend them because in doing so you gave them power over you. You might one to reconsider because you are actually better than they are because they are bigots and not in the will of God. Protect yourself if you need to, but try to think of yourself as the more evolved being if you can.
Wow…you are a towering example of what humanity is supposed to be like. As a gay man I could not be more proud of and impressed by you. Your brother is one lucky man to have you in his life…Bravo!
So sad that your ex facebook friend finds the issue of homosexuality more important than God’s love for humanity.
Being a straight ally where I live is much easier than most other places in America (Portland, OR) I’m not sure if I would have the strength to be openly in support of gay rights (I might be in the closet in my own way) if I lived somewhere else where it is more difficult because I have lived here all my life. I applaud people who do live in areas that are more hostile to LGBT people who are out there openly supporting equal rights, LGBT or straight, and these stories (and the stories in the comments) inspire me to be a stronger person for the things I stand for. thank you 🙂
Is homosexuality a choice? Is it genetic? Is it in response to chromosomal mosiacs, adrenal, genital or hormonal factors? Like I give a damn. I have the freedom to live my own heterosexual life and that others that don’t fit the “normal” pattern are excluded is inexcusable. ALL consenting adults should have the same rights as long as no physical or mental harm is being done (I’m still undecided over polygamy). The bible is the most vile book ever written and people who take it’s words as literal truth develop an “us” vs “them” mentality. Of course, they’re mostly blind to their own faults, casting “them” as the villains and themselves as the ones being chosen for redemption. There are many sins listed in the bible. Homosexuality is only listed maybe three or four times. God’s hatred for adultery and adulterers is listed hundreds of times. Someone who divorces his/her spouse and marries another commits adultery. Yet, Christians routinely divorce and remarry. Look at devout Christians like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. Why do they selectively zero in on homosexuality instead of the one sin that is the biggest one on God’s list? They say homosexuality destroys the family. Seems to me that with about half of all American families ending in divorce, heterosexuals are doing fine destroying families all on their own. Jesus even said that a man that looks at a woman with desire has committed adultery in his heart. Four references to homosexuality and Christians built a cause of raging hatred and bile against one class of sinners. But, against the sin most most hated by God just below blasphemy, they turn a blind eye. Because it’s the one they commit fairly regularly and don’t want to give up.
thou shalt not commit adultery is one of the 10 commandments but there is no mention of homosexuality …
Thank you for taking the conversation beyond the idea of accepting, to urge other straight people to consider the shoe on the other foot. My father worked quietly, behind the scenes for decades bringing together local leaders of different faiths together, to find common ground and to discard bigotries. I remember as a young adult proudly using the word ‘tolerance’. With a current of vehemence, he quietly said ‘I HATE that word.’. I was surprised and asked why. He said he abhorred the very idea that there are some of us who are the privileged ‘normal’ who should be praised for tolerating differences, that it suggests it is something we allow, something that is distasteful but we will somehow try to put up with ‘them’, the ‘others’.
That reaction of his has stuck with me, and I try to apply it to any situation where I am dealing with any kind of differences. Diversity is built into the very fabric of our world, it would not have survived to my generation without it. Accept it, notice when It makes you uncomfortable and challenge yourself to grow, and celebrate the spicy variety of life!
I agree with you. It needs to be more than tolerance (which the Southern Poverty Law Center has redefined as more like acceptance). It needs to be acceptance that people are the way they are and that I have no right to reject them for it. “Tolerance” has an air of patronage about it, like when we tolerated African-Americans at work and in the community instead of segregating them any more. There are a lot of people who “tolerate”. There is a big difference in toleration and recognition of a person as an equal.
Reblogged this on Φml.
So quick to claim that the old testament is still ‘gods law’ when it comes to homosexuality, but I bet he will jump right in there with ‘Jesus gave us new laws and we follow the new testament now’ when asked about the morality of slavery, wearing mixed fiber and eating shellfish. Silly rabbits… I am glad you are picking love and commitment over self-righteous hypocrisy.
In my opinion as someone older, these criticisms on sexuality by any fundamentalist person do not really involve religion at all. These are psychological issues that have to do with fear of the unknown. The truth is that we all are homosexual to some degree along a continuum with most folk towards the heterosexual end. These rejections are masked with biblical language for self-support and these references are quite selective as someone above pointed out. Otherwise many would be stoned to death from eating lobster, blending fabrics, etc. It is so interesting that only sexual references are being heralded by those in the grips of fear and the unknown and change. If these were so important, then it needs to be asked why Jesus of Nazareth never found any of these issues important enought even to mention.
As a lesbian who has suffered this kind of persecution over and over, my hat goes off to you. Thank you, so much. You brought me to tears. Let’s connect- proudgenderqueerdyke@gmail.com.
Many religions are still steeped in Neanderthal thinking. For instance, “Go forth and multiply” is something that used to make sense and no longer does. Religious judgementalism about homosexuality is also archaic, boorish and tiresome. Forget the Bible (it’s – gasp – fallible) and just remember to “Treat others as you would wish to be treated.” Period.
this could happen to me. My stepson and his fiance Thomas have set the date for Christmas Eve this year. I have a nephew who invited me to support Chik-fil-A’s anti-marriage equality day. This is where human rights and social justice play out in families. You’ll always find me standing on the side of Love.
Sooo. I don’t find anyplace in the four Gospels or the Acts of the Apostles that condemns gay love. Am I to believe, based on the tribal superstitions of bronze-age shepherds, that God has no libido (and therefore no understanding of sexuality) or He is an onanist or has a secret Goddess somewhere?
What a beautiful, encouraging and very inspiring post! As a queer man, all that I can say is:
I respect you. I celebrate you. I thank you!