My younger brother is gay. Gay as laughter. Gay as the day is long. One of the finest moments in my life, and one of the greatest compliments anyone has ever paid me, was the day he felt safe to come out to me. He’s in his mid-30s now, but he’ll always be my little brother. And man, I love that kid. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. And he just married a phenomenal man.
I was always predisposed to like his husband because, y’know, he’s my brother’s partner and therefore has automatic status in my heart. The wonderful bonus is that I really like him. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. He’s a cool dude to hang out with. He also stood by my brother like a rock when my brother had a life-threatening cancer that cost him his left eye.
They married in May. It was a wonderful ceremony in which I was honored to stand by my brother, supporting him in his vows. My eyes teared up like they always do at weddings. I had the joy of watching two people commit to a lifetime together. It filled my heart.
Folks started posting photos from the wedding on Facebook, and I proudly reposted photos of the ceremony (with me looking awesome in my new suit, of course). Shortly after that, I received this message from a FB friend:
“Hey David, I am removing you from my friends list…sorry man, that latest post is way over the top! Homosexuals joining in “Holy” matrimony…I don’t think so??? The Holy Bible speaks out against homosexuality and speaks highly of Holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It’s nothing more than a slap in the face to those who choose God’s Word, for homosexuals to join in a Holy marriage. I’m only defriending you so I don’t have to look at your anti-God stuff anymore…nothing personal!”
Wow.
This came from a man I used to work with. A man I respect in his dedication to his family, and in his desire to live a moral and ethical life. A man with whom I have had some very interesting religious debates. He has become a Baptist preacher since we last spoke in person, and I suppose that makes this message unsurprising.
But, I was still surprised. I was taken aback. I needed a moment. I was hurt.
I was inclined to hurl some expletives in his direction.
But, only for a moment. He’s not really that important of a person in my life. I had actually at times grown rather tired of his Facebook postings…I don’t have a great need for fundamentalist dogma in my day. So, on some level, good riddance.
I sent him a letter at his church, expressing my disappointment in his withdrawal. I had a few friends read the letter before I sent it, to make sure that it didn’t contain too much bile. I’m not surprised that I haven’t heard back from him.
The situation got me thinking: What if this hadn’t been about my brother’s wedding, but about MY wedding? What if it hadn’t been from a distant friend, but from a beloved family member?
Ouch.
How many millions of gay kids (and adults) have had that exact thing happen to them? How many millions more will in the future?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for that pain. I’m sorry for that rejection. I’m sorry for that isolation.
I’m straight. Straight as a yardstick. Straight as an arrow. I am in your corner. If I could take on that pain for you, I would.
I love you.
If you’re gay, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world.
If you’re straight, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world. And I charge you, I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with YOU as the target of rejection. Imagine the people closest to you telling you, essentially, “You are fundamentally flawed and I want nothing to do with you.” Our LGBTQ brothers and sisters face this everyday. Please don’t forget that.
The poor, misguided soul is no longer in my life. That’s okay. My brother and his husband still are. I just hung out with my brother a few weeks ago, and it was a blast. He’s brilliant, he’s funny, and he’s kind. I couldn’t be prouder to call him my brother. I love him, and love wins, period.
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If your (now eks-) friend would de-friend you because you stand by your brother, then you are better off without him. He was never a friend to begin with. Concentrate instead on those who like you for who and what you are.
Congratulations on your brother’s marriage!
Congratz on your brother’s marriage!
Sorry that someone tried to ruin it.
Love, it comes in all shapes, sizes, genders and ages. The universe is not discriminative just people. Your brother has found true happiness, unlike that man who felt the need to share his unhappiness with you. Be thankful you don’t have people like that on your Facebook.
Share the love, I say!
Love,
L
Thanks for sharing this. It gives me hope that there are kind, caring individuals out there still.
GREAT JOB,PROUD OF YOU!!!
Beautifully written. I wish there were more people like you in the world. And good riddance to those who aren’t.
Is there ANY to get delisted from this posting? I’ve received hundreds of emails.
Please, for the love of god, make it STOP!
you must have checked the box asking to be notified of future replies and comments?
I did indeed make that mistake. now I want it to stop.
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Great article. The personal insights really bring the point home. Thanks for posting!!
“Nothing personal”? Really? I’m sorry you had to get such a negative response to your brother’s big day. I’m happy you’ve been Freshly Pressed, though. It’s a beautifully written post. It’s funny, I just published a post about my ride with a racist cab driver. People say such stupid, hateful things. Anyway, congrats on being Freshly Pressed and congrats to your brother and his husband.
Incredible story! I have always had gay/lesbian friends and family members. No big deal. 2 years ago my oldest son came out to me. Again, no big deal. He is an incredible young man and I am so proud of him. I try to post informative articles and stories concerning the LGBT community on my FB page, and I have been “defriended” (silently) a few times for this reason. I say…their loss, not mine. 🙂
Thank you for this amazing beautiful posting. Hugs to you and your family. Same on your former friend. What a loss it is to him to reject so many wonderful loving people from his life.
When I was a lot younger, I asked my dad why people feared anyone different. In our world it was anyone who was Gay, Mormons, Jews, physically and mentally challenged, black, goth…and the list just kept growing. My dad told me “They fear because they aren’t smart enough or brave enough to make their own decisions. They are sheep because they only know how to follow, and they tend to follow blindly because it is the easiest thing to do.”
If many more men were like you there wouldn’t have been a single world war. Alas.
I’ve always been gay-friendly, just naturally. To my knowledge there were no gays and lesbians in my direct family, but I always felt most at home in Rosebank, Johannesburg, a kind of little Greenwich Village. There, everyone just spoke about whether they were gay or lesbian, in fact they flaunted it! After almost two decades in Johannesburg, I lived in E. Canada for eight years, where it either is or is not accepted but it is certainly never, ever discussed. Pity.
I have also been defriended, albeit for very different reasons. De-mothered, really, because my son turned anti-family and has justified to himself why he can live without people (father, mother, aunt,) who genuinely care for him.
Rejection is just something that happens. But you know what they say, eh? The biggest homophobes, deep down, wish they had the guts to come out of the closet too. 😉 Think of ‘Milk.’
Amazing post! Congrats to your brother and his husband and thank you for spreading some light and love.
Religious people should use the homophobia in their holy books as a disproof of their truthfulness. If a religious book says that god created everyone and then discriminates against the homosexuals that god supposed created, we must doubt the veracity of everything else it says.
I don’t think anyone except the hyper-religious would suggest today that homosexuality is unnatural. Hence, discriminating against gay people is no different from racial discrimination because people have no more control on their sexual orientation than on their race.
Nice post. Congrats on getting Freshly Pressed!
Love goes beyond words it goes well beyond judfgement
that also meaning relationships don’t breakdown such that
people reach a crossroads where the move on from each.
There but reasons for this which involve more detail in an
explanation / however basics are all feelings emotions are
under the control of one’s spiritual development / a being
is directed to the love of loves such essence is the power
of creation. The ultimate of love & such love has nought to
do with religions ideas beliefs of a heaven that somewhere
being beyond the clouds / that one in entering upon death
of material frame. Such ideas beliefs /halfbaked nonsense.
Thus close relationships in the material realm can be of a
loving nature that not only confined unto man and woman
as religious groups try put forth / loving relationships can
be of the same sex / male to male as female to female……
it can as man woman relartionships / just be that of sexual
pleasure only / or that of a more loving nature where two
wish bond in union while in material realm. I again remind
and bring forth as remind relationships can breakdown in
such same sex marriage as the more traditional accepted
man woman relationships there NO difference betwixt ALL.
I don’t want to delve too deep in explanation such truely
takes many words / ( unions of people’s do fall apart as
one need more than they are getting from a relationship
thus they seek another mate / such breakdowns can be
accepted by both parties / yet it can be that one partner
still wishes to hold a relationship / as can’t accept its over
can’t accept its time to move on /thus it be troubled times
in coming to terms with moving on /yet move on one must
such applies to same sex unions as male female unions.
A hug can be that of tender love /yet when the love gone
then it not a hug of love its then one’s held as a prisoner.
The ultimate aim of the universe / of the human form is
via brain as heart that ione can grow in understanding
as experience / to such point one reaching the ultimate
of material learning / that one being ready for the final
ultimage stae of understanding as experience // thus it
be one then fully understands the purpose of creation.
The final stage is that of meditation / in one turning the
senses inward / where bring a deep unfolding of their
spiritual self / not ideas not beliefs not a heaven which
beyond the clouds but that of such spiritual experience
that it brings a clarity of understanding in answering all
questions that one has ever longed asking in knowing.
History of humanity having brought spiritual teachers
among such (always) the “Teacher of Teachers” the
Teacher of Teachers is a guide for those whom ready
as prepared taking the final stage that of meditation…
presently the “Teacher of Teachers” is Prem Rawat..
PC search put (words of peace) OR (words of peace
global) on site be a selection of videos where Prem
explains meditation / the need of one completing the
journey / beyond ideas as beliefs unto one knowing.
Of course one needs guidance / in such imparting of
knowledge / it a vital stage / which one must balance
spiritual as material experience as needs / one can’t
just abandon their material identity / one must show
a mature nature in such change of development…..
as you’ll understand more clearly when facing such
a greater development in understanding experience
of life its meaning /such the true purpose of creation.
Man, I wish everyone thought like this. They just don’t get it. If they truly loved God like they say they do, they’d love EVERY neighbor as they love themselves.
what a great and loving family!!! ignore the haters, as long as you guys love and support one another, nothing else matters 🙂
It’s writing like this that I want to hold up to the world and shout, “This! See this! This is unconditional love!” Thank you for a beautifully written piece.
This is a beautiful post. It makes me sad that a religion that preaches about love and God’s love and what not, are always the ones that seem to hate the most? Anyway, I definitely know the pain. My older sister is gay and my mom has done nothing to make her feel accepted. Just the other day, my mom called her a freak. A freak. Seriously? And then proceeded to insult her multiple times at a public restaurant. Just quick jabs. And I had to defend my sister because she’s so frightened by this hate and anger… but she is trying so hard to just feel accepted. =( What’s worse is that my mom actually thinks she is “helping” by doing this. When all she really needs to do is let go and accept just who my sister is. That it doesn’t reflect anything on her that my sister is gay. It doesn’t mean you “failed” as a parent.
Ugh. Sorry this is turning into a rant. It just really hit home.
Unfortunately its a matter of your sister ignoring her mother and continue down that path. Growing up, one of my 2 sisters was accused repeatedly of “whoring” around and being a slut when she never even dressed disrespectfully. Parents fail at parenting, kids only fail parents when parents have the wrong expectations.
I can’t imagine loving my children so fully the way I do now throughout their entire childhood and then saying one day that I don’t just because of who they love. I can’t imagine doing that to a friend. And I can’t imagine being rejected because of it. Your post was awesome. Freshly Pressed was well-deserved.
“love wins, period”- I couldn’t love this any more; and no matter what opinions I have, “love wins, periods” is the one that matters most. Thanks for reminding me this morning 🙂
“love wins, period”- I couldn’t love this more and no matter any opinion I might have, “love wins, period”. Thanks for the reminder today 🙂
Terrific post! As the mom of a gay son — whose sexual orientation is only a small part of the wonderful young man that he is — I salute you!
Whatever your views it isn’t worth ending a friendship over. A little bit over the top from your “friend.” Great post.
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Frankly, if he is that ignorant he didn’t deserve to be your friend in the first place. If it was me, I would have rather he deleted me and never sent the message, as I do not have room for that kind of person in my life. If a christian or a bigot doesn’t agree with gay marriage (or workforce equality, or any other LGBT issue we are fighting for) then they simply do not have to get “gay” married, or be fired for being gay. It doesn’t affect them at all. He should have known better than to think you would care.
Good post.
I can fully relate to it bc my kid sister is gay too. My BF is as well, but she will never come out, that’s a fact. We live in a 3rd world country where the Catholic church has a strong hold on most people and has made them believe that anything that is different from what the church or the priest says is sin (even birth control), so she’s not free to come out to just anyone.
You know, life is hard enough as it is without having to consciously conceal who you are, as if being “different” in any way made you less worthy.
Sigh. As humans we still have a loooong way to go towards reaching our humanity.
Touching, and well written. Good choice to abandon your friend, family should always be number one.
That’s a really touching post. I really want to leave a comment…but I have not words…honestly…I have no words!
My sister is gay. I love her, her partner, and the son they share together. Fortunately I’ve never had to confront this issue with any of my Facebook friends, although I suspect one or two of them just keep their mouths shut. Very enjoyable post, thank you!
Very well deserved to be on FP!
Your post is really fresh and unique, congratulations! You really love your brother, unconditionally!
gay or straight both are creation of God
every one is child of great Jesus, every one including animals and tree’s
so no one is authorised to hate anyone, if they hate them,then he is nt child of God
so love everyone
I happen to agree with the biblical definition of marriage. I also have a unique perspective being bisexual. Very few people know of my sexuality, of course, because I’m very happy with my husband. However, the rejection is always there. That’s the fear you live with. People will reject you for all sorts of things and in all sorts of ways. 12 years ago, I confessed my love for everybody to my mother, her response? “I still love you, but dont tell your sister.” We never brought it up after that. And she never did meet my high school girlfriend, she was a great girl and we are still best friends today.
Christ is Love. God is Love. We are called to love one another, not agree with everything they do. While I may not agree with gay marriage, I still wish your brother and his husband much love and happiness. Much love to you and your family. We could use more love.
Yet another reason I don’t use Facebook. It doesn’t do anything more to connect us than does normal human contact, and it causes issues like this. I’m guessing this guy would not have said such a thing to your face.
It’s a shame that so many people can’t accept the feelings and lifestyles of others. I’m straight, but I can only imagine how much of my family would react if I weren’t and said so. I wish you and your brother the best.
Love should always win.
My best friend is gay he was my best man at my wedding. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. He likes men I like women. I am still married he has had many partners but he is still looking for that one person to spend the rest of his life with.
“I am agog, I am aghasst”. Seriously sat with my mouth agape for several seconds. There’s a lot I’d like to say, but so many emotions. There really is a difference between hate-speech and standing up for one’s beliefs. He did the former and you, my friend, have done the latter. Kudos.
Love your post, love you for loving your brother and his husband so unconditionally.
Amazing…
You have a wonderful attitude, I feel the same way when faced with discrimination myself, I simply don’t care enough to be bothered by it. I only feel a slight pang of pity for people who wake up each day with feelings of hate towards another person as they ponder how effectively they can display that disgust on others. Only a slight pang mind you, I’m too busy enjoying my day. Maybe they need more hobbies?
I love that you describe it as a compliment that he felt safe to come out to you. Beautifully written. I completely agree with you.
I want to say you’re a wonderful person but you know what – the way you think, the way I think, it just is The way, there’s nothing really to think about! We are born straight or gay, we are all human, and that’s that.
It’s just offensive the vile that came out of that guy’s mouth (head, keyboard ?!?!)
What a wonderful tribute to your brother and your relationship. I wish I had a brother like you. Congratulations for being Freshly Pressed.
I’ve always been suspicious of any Deity that discriminates; if there IS a God (or Goddess), he (or she), if he IS truly “Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and (especially) OmniBENEVOLENT, doesn’t CARE about sexual preference. All He cares about is that you Do love, that you Do care about your fellow humans, and that you Are willing to Live and Let Live, Love and Let Love, and protect all whom you love, or who love you. As the poet said, “No greater love hath a man than to lay his life down for another.” The same holds true for a woman – ever seen a mother stand up to death to protect her babies? it’s not just Mama Bear that will do it.
Christianity has MUCH to answer for,especially in this country; the Bible Belt has perverted itself beyond belief, and SO Much of what THEY call perverted is nothing like it.
I am happily heterosexual; always have been, always will be. I’ve never been even slightly interested in “how the other half lives/loves.” But I have many friends who are LGBT, and they are just that; FRIENDS. Some are dear friends, some are casual friends, some are brothers and sisters friends. In other words, they’re people, just like anyone else, and they deserve the same consideration as anyone else. Including the right of marriage, and any other right that my lady and I have together.
As many movies have said “Let them marry and be miserable like the rest of us.” Or happy of course, but it stands true either way you look at it. Props to your comment.
WOW! Exactly!!!! I wish I could hand out this post like a flyer to everyone I know. Very well written. Congrats to your brother on his marriage. Congrats to you for having such an awesome family!
What a touching post. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. This is such a deserving story and I applaud you for sharing it. I am sure that your brother feels equally blessed to have you as his brother.
Well spoken.
As disgusted as I am at this persons lack of understanding for another, I am moved by your article in taking an active approach to create positive out of the situation. It is nuts to me that someone, like your friend, who you respected for some time, not only defriended you but had to make the reason announced. The flip side is, “I’ve never learned anything from a man that agrees with me” (Robert Heinlein), so as this old friend “defriends” people based on differing viewpoints, he lays deeper in the opinions that he has made because all of his “friends” share similar world views.
The Defriender said “Nothing personal”?!?, Really. It’s very personal!
This is a really lovely post 🙂
Thank you soooo much! I am gay and open to my family, and my little sister, who is straight, was the first I came out to, and NEVER ONCE has she discriminated against my sexuality….NEVER. We share mutual friends who are LGTB, and I couldn’t be luckier. I know without a doubt, that when I marry the wonderful woman I’ve been blessed to have by my side, my sister will be by my side. To those who have LGTB friends or family, or extended family, and support them…GOD BLESS YOU. NO H8! 🙂 If God didn’t intend for us to be here….well, we wouldn’t!
Human’s are petty creatures. Facebook is good cuz the seedy unforgiving judgmental people leave you first. Less work with weeding out the insincere negative people who put judgement before understanding. I have been unfriended for having opinions, showing passion, not being up to speed with the rest of their “Friends” and one particular time just not liking the same singer somebody else liked,
I try to be understanding with those who I disagree with on Facebook and Twitter. I picked them for a reason and we usually have things outside of whatever we disagree with in common so they can stay.
I also don’t madly friend the masses, I only pick people I like, people who I think will understand me and people who want me in their lives for whatever reason. Lifes to short to be surrounded by judgmental people.
That’s all one should ask is an open world free of those judging for mere connections, life directions, political or religious views etc. It’s actually time we move from the terms of gay/lesbian and all that to “Human” or “person” as that’s all it used to be. You were a person. It should remain such. Your brother isn’t gay. He’s human. For those who want true equality you have to stop the classifications entirely.
Thank you.