In Our Gay Family, Two Little Best Friends Became Brothers

ImageSome of those fighting marriage equality these days, want you to believe that there is only a single possible right way to create a “real” family.  The  way they suggest is by means of unprotected, unplanned, procreative sex.  Or, as Nan Hunter observes,  “accidental procreation” which then warrants 1500 protections and benefits by means of a “bribe (for) heterosexuals “ to get married.  Only the biologically created family deserves marriage, they argue, and all the rewards to stay together.

The notion is insulting and absurd, not only for same sex coupled families, but for opposite sex families as well.  Real families come together in a variety of ways, the best of which is when all the members love each other and deeply desire a lifetime bond.

That is what happened in my family.

My partner  and I had pursued various options to expanding our family beyond the two of us.  We explored surrogacy, and we explored private adoption.  All potential routes to family have pitfalls.  As we were going through our evaluation process, I remember discussing the options with a total stranger at an airport. She saw me pouring through literature and shared stories of her numerous miscarriage heartbreaks on her way to having a family.  “Whichever way you choose, just know it can be hard, but it will be OK and worth it,” she stated as we said goodbye.

My partner and I ultimately chose fostercare/adoption.  Having come from recovery experiences ourselves, it was a great fit.  We understood the situations of the birthparents without judgment, and we understood the real need of the children as well as the obstacles they might face.  We committed, trained and waited for the call for a placement.

We got numerous calls for toddlers on temporary care.  Those were great experiences.  Then, we got a call about a newborn baby, born six weeks prematurely to a heroin addicted mother.  He weighted 4 lbs, and had heroin exposure himself.  He was to be ours for the foreseeable future.

I carried him on a sling on my chest for the next few months. We had to make sure he got a sufficient amount of nourishment in each feeding to avoid brain damage as we went through the process of supporting his birth parents through possible reunification.   When those efforts failed, we went on to full adoption.  We named the baby, now ours, Jason.

As Jason passed his one year birthday, we opened up our home for the potential of adding a sibling.  We got a placement.  She was a beautiful baby girl, and she looked just like Jason did when he was a newborn.

We had warm feelings to keep her, but were equally enthused that her birth mother was responding well to the recovery program.  We supported that momentum and looked forward to a safe mother and daughter reunion.

Meanwhile, good friends of ours, another foster family,  had a 10 month old little boy placed with them.  He had been discovered abandoned in a trailer.  My partner often did play dates with them, and the little boy in their care and our son Jason became very close and attached.

They seemed to speak a common language, playing well together.  My partner called me at work one day, “You have to come see this little boy and how he and Jason are.  I told the other family that if anything was a problem with their placement, to let us know and we would love to take him.”  I was alright with this, but a little guarded as our plan had been to have a boy and a girl—not two boys.  Plans change and life takes over.

When I got home that evening, the play date was still going on.   I will never forget the moment that I first saw Jesse.  He was crawling around the corner headed toward the dishwasher as I was headed the other way… and we locked eyes.  It was one of the most profound moments of my life.  Here I was with direct eye contact with this toddler and the look between us said it all…  “Hi Dad, I am your son.  Hi Jesse, I am going to be your Dad.”

A week later, it happened.  The fostermom called and asked if we were serious about our offer.  It turns out that her family had to move into very tight quarters temporarily and she was much better equipped to care for the baby we were nursing, than Jesse, the rough and tumble toddler .  So, we called the authorities, and made the switch.  Jason and Jesse, new best friends, were now on the way to potentially becoming brothers.

I was worried however, being the working Dad, that I might not get to bond with Jesse as I had with Jason.  I did not get to carry him on me for months, and saw him in the mornings before I left for work, and in time for a kiss goodnight when I returned.  He was exposed to my partner, other fostercare providers and others more than he was seeing me.

I wish I could say that road to brotherhood was trouble free.  It was not.  Jesse was still on a unification plan with a birth parent, and it looked like things in that regard might be successful, until one horrible weekend.  Jesse came back from an overnight visit battered and bruised.  We called the social worker immediately and the reunification attempts were closed.

I slept by his crib for the next two weeks, and although he was normally a through-the –night sleeper, he awoke nightly screaming and crying.  Controlling my own anger and pain, I grabbed him and held him, as nightly the reaction grew less and less until he was again able to sleep through the night.

I don’t know if being there for him in that way was the factor, but our bonding was not an issue.  As he has grown, we are lock step and almost able to read each other’s minds.  As I look at my sons, I am filled with the awareness of a love for each that I could never fathom in my wildest imagination previously.  The love I have for each is unique, each powerful in its own right, but its own “color” if you will.   Jason is the son of my heart, Jesse is the son of my soul.

Today they act as twins.  Since he is physically bigger, they have decided that Jesse is the “big brother”.  Since he was born four months earlier, Jason has been dubbed, by mutual consent, as the “older brother”.   We do not have a “little brother” in the family.

That is how two little best friends became brothers.  It is how my gay family came together.  We have a unique story, but we are not unique.  All same-gendered parent families have a story.  While my friend at the airport was right, “all ways can be hard”, all ways can also be miraculous, loving and intensely wonderful.

How our families come together is being judged today, and in the next few months.  It will be judged by the US Supreme Court.  Our families are likely to be judged long after that as well, no matter what the results.

And, no matter what the judgments on our value, I will always know the truth.  I know how thoroughly REAL we are.  I live it and I have seen it.  I saw it as I looked into a little boy’s eyes for the first time in front of a dishwasher.

Please like the evoL= Facebook page here.

About these ads

About robw77

A single gay dad who cares. His story can be read here: http://www.imagaysingleparent.com/2013/02/02/rob/ and here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/31/rob-watson-gay-family_n_4689661.html
This entry was posted in Civil Rights, Family, Gay Christians, Living, Marriage equality, Prejudice and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to In Our Gay Family, Two Little Best Friends Became Brothers

  1. Pingback: Saying Goodbye to My Dad & Father’s Day as I Have Known It « FreedHearts

  2. Pingback: Saying Good-bye to My Dad and Fathers Day as I Have Known It | evoL =

  3. Pingback: Lesbian moms lose their baby | The Next Family

  4. Pingback: A Gay Dad Sounds Off About the Iowa Moms and an Unthinkable Tragedy -

  5. Pingback: A Gay Dad Sounds Off About the Iowa Moms and an Unthinkable Tragedy | evoL =

  6. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Requiem for a Little Boy Named Zachary -

  7. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Requiem for a Little Boy Named Zachary, Killed Because He Might Become Gay ‹ Gayborhood Blog

  8. Pingback: A gay dad's perspective on a little boy who was killed because he might be gay | The Next Family

  9. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Requiem for a Little Boy Named Zachary, Killed Because He Might Become Gay | evoL =

  10. this shows that it is not gender that makes a family, but love.

  11. Pingback: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already! | The Quire

  12. Pingback: Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already! - SeattleColors.com

  13. Pingback: Rob Watson: A Gay Dad’s Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already! | Political Ration

  14. Pingback: Rob Watson: A Gay Dad’s Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already!

  15. Pingback: Rob Watson: A Gay Dad’s Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already! ‹ Pridelive.tv

  16. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee: Move the Damned Games Already | evoL =

  17. Pingback: New Studies Show: It Is Not About Whether the Parents Are Gay, It’s About Whether They Are Happy | evoL =

  18. Karen says:

    You are awesome! As a kindergarten teacher, I see so many kiddos going through what your sons experienced prior to your care. It proves the point that heterosexual parenting doesn’t guarantee love or safety. I am in awe of folks like you who can foster and hold hope for reunification. It is the precise reason that my husband and I could NOT foster. I know our hearts would be broken a thousand times over. As it is, I cry over 20kids on the last day of school each year! Congratulations on your loving family!

  19. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Thank You to Justice Kennedy for Hearing My Kids’ Voices by Rob Watson | QMO Magazine & Community

  20. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Thank You to Justice Kennedy for Hearing My Kids’ Voices by Rob Watson | QMO Magazine Blog & Community

  21. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Thank You to Justice Kennedy for Hearing My Kids’ Voices | QMO Magazine Blog & Community

  22. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Thank You to Justice Kennedy for Hearing My Kids’ Voices | evoL =

  23. Pingback: Rob Watson: The Day I Had To Face My Republican Father Over Gay Marriage | Political Ration

  24. Pingback: Rob Watson: The Day I Had To Face My Republican Father Over Gay Marriage | Irascible Musings

  25. Pingback: A Gay Dad, Republican Fathers and 4 Big Questions for Rob Portman | evoL =

  26. Pingback: 5 Reasons That a Supreme Court Marrige Equality Ruling Could Be the Best Thing for the GOP | Daily Queer News

  27. Pingback: Knews Feed » Rob Watson: 5 Reasons That A Supreme Court Marrige Equality Ruling Could Be The Best Thing For The GOP

  28. Pingback: Gay dad asks Laura Bush to support gay marriage | The Next Family

  29. Clio says:

    Thank you for telling your wonderful story. So many blessings in your family! Congratulations!

  30. Love is.. says:

    Your sons are very lucky to have you.

  31. Pingback: Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to Laura Bush on Quitting the Gay Marriage Ad - Freshwadda Brooks | Coming Soon!

  32. Pingback: Knews Feed » Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to Laura Bush on Quitting the Gay Marriage Ad

  33. Pingback: A Gay Dad’s Open Letter to Laura Bush on Quitting the Gay Marriage Ad | evoL =

  34. Pingback: 5 Reasons Why the Supreme Court Ruling for Marriage Equality Could Be the Best Thing to Happen for the GOP | evoL =

  35. Kevin Johnson says:

    What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing. You are blessed.

  36. SuzyMac says:

    So sweet and wonderful! Thank you for treading the difficult path to becoming such wonderful parents to these two little boys – They have the best family ever!!!

  37. kzottarelli says:

    OMG!!! I’m crying, happy and sad tears. It is so amazingly beautiful the way your family became your family, and the only thing that should matter to anyone is that your family is loving, happy and healthy, nothing else! You know, almost any male or female can be a father or a mother, but not all can be a dad or a mom. The hard part is not making a baby, the hard part is all the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into making a loved, happy, healthy child, and YOU Rob, are one of the most wonderful examples of a true DAD! Love you, for all you are and all you do…there should be more dads like you, the world would be a much better place!

  38. I’m not sure even the Supreme Court is smart enough to know that love is love. I keep hoping someone with a real brain will finally get it. Beautifully written and I could feel your love for your children. Not different than mine for my children.

  39. Ginger says:

    It kills me that Jesse had to be terrorized and beaten by his birth parent(s) before he got to stay forever with his real family. Still wiping away the tears from that one….

  40. apeene says:

    Wow! I love your heartwarming story of becoming a father and your boys becoming brothers! Wonderful!

  41. Karen says:

    What a beautiful story

  42. Pingback: Inspired Thank You « 50 Things Before I Turn 50

  43. CJ says:

    Such a moving and loving post. Thank you for sharing. A family is love and support, that is all that matters.

  44. Sara says:

    There are tears in my eyes, your love for your children is beautiful, thank you.

  45. Addison Cooper says:

    I love that the two boys have been able to go from being friends to brothers. I also love how there’s no “little” brother – just a “big” and an “older” – that’s awesome!

  46. Betsy Mansori says:

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful and amazing story and for providing a loving family to these lucky little boys. Please know that some of us judging your family do not find it to be wanting or lacking in any way but instead find it to be wonderful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s