The Ten Best Gay Dad-Friendly Movies for Kids

Posted on September 22, 2012 by robw77

ImageOne of a child’s first challenges is to understand his or her own world.  For Gay Dads this presents its own set of issues since much of the material we use with our kids basically ignores our very existence.  Kid’s programming, books and toy sets all reflect the Mommy/Daddy standard.    That is not likely to change,  that standard being the majority, and LGBT families find ways to cope.

I was constantly editing as I read my boys “good night” books changing the word “Mommy” to “Papa” so they heard a story about a world they found instantly recognizable.

Gay dads don’t get many advantages in the parenting landscape these days what with cantankerous celebrities and bogus “studies”   bashing us at every turn.  The one area that CAN be our friend is the local DVD outlet however.   For whatever reason due to a patriarchal Hollywood complex or just mere coincidence, there is a full treasure trove of great gay father lead family material available.

I truly wish that I could be writing this article and calling out all great LGBT family material available, but sadly THAT is simply not the case.  The horrifying fact is…..  it SUCKS to be a Mom in animated movies.  Being a birth mother is tantamount to being victim of some horrible mysogystic plague …if you are one, the likelihood is that in these movies, you are…. dead (Snow White, Cinderella, Beauty in the Beast, Little Mermaid, Aladdin,  Hoodwinked and more) or absent/abandoning (Sleeping Beauty, Shrek, Tangled).  If you are a second Mom, it is worse… you are just plain evil (Snow White, Cinderella, Tangled).   Even in the latest offering, Brave   , the mother/daughter dynamic was less than ideal .

So, Lesbian Moms, I offer up this “Ten Best Gay Dad-Friendly Movies for Kids” with a little bit of guilt.  I wish there were similar offerings for YOUR families.  There should be.  Whenever you are ready to go picket Disney, DreamWorks, Pixar and others…. I will march with you.

In the meantime… here is my list, from the good to the best.  I hope you agree:

10. Despicable Me   (2010)   Gru,  is despicable and inept at his profession of being a villain.  In the end, he demonstrates what it takes to be a good father, putting his kids first.

9. Cars (2006)  Lightening McQueen has all the testosterone of a teen-aged kid.  He is finally tamed by the sage gnarly tough love of a surrogate dad, Doc Hudson (Paul Newman) and due to that influence, grows up.

8. Lion King (1994)     I am sure the question is not why this is on the list, since it has the theme of fatherhood all over it, but why it is not higher.  Simba’s guilt over his father’s death, the saint hood ideal of his father and the cavalier silliness of his two surrogate dads may be a bit much for kids in gay dad households to handle.    It’s still good, though, but requires some dad hugs and statements like “Don’t worry…I am not going ANYWHERE.”

7. Pinocchio (1940)   This movie is filled with Gay Dad heart, even if it is a little dated.  A man denied fatherhood creates a son in the only way he can at his disposal, and through the help of another surrogate dad,  who happens to be a cricket, and rites of passage… the created son becomes a real one.

6. Toy Story I (1995)   A bit of a flip flop in terms of the dad and child dynamic on this one since the two “dads” are owned by the child.   Well, maybe that is not so much a flip flop as it is a deeply accurate perspective.   Not only do Woody and Buzz strive to hold the child Andy as the core of their lives, they also father the band of various toys in the nursery.  One of the great themes for gay dads…  can I be as good as my hype?  What happens when my kid finds out that I can’t really fly?  The answer?   He or she won’t care…in their eyes… you can.

5. Ice Age I  (2002)  < http://www.themoviedb.org/movie/425-ice-age >  A family is formed when two surrogate dad types, a Mammoth named Manny and a Saber tooth Tiger named Diego come together with a goofy uncle type Sloth named Sid.  The bond is sealed when they put all their priorities around the love and welfare of a human child, much to the disapproval of their outside kin.

4. Monsters Inc. (2001)    Unlike the guys in Ice Age, the surrogate dad types in Monsters Inc, Sully and Mike, already have kind of a bromance going sans child.  When the human child enters their life, there is a sense of taboo, and an element of “us against the outside world” that they experience.  Ultimately, they show that they are willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of and love for the child in their lives.

3. The Incredibles (2004)   This movie does not have the male parental dominance as the other movies on the list, but the pair of opposite gender parents are fully actualized empowered (literally) people who can save the day on their own.  The elements that appeal for a Gay Dad household is the sense that “our family is special, but not all outsiders will understand” and normal family squabbles do not supersede the fact that we are there for each other at the end of the day.  The movie also features the   androgynousish “E” Mode, super hero costume designer and  Helen Parr is the best kids movie Mom ever.   If, per my previous point,  great kid movie Moms were not an endangered species, I would move to make her an honorary Gay Dad.

2. Over the Hedge (2006)  Two surrogate fathers  vie for the heart and leadership of a family of woodland creatures displaced by a housing development.  One, RJ, has some self serving motives, but the other, Verne is for pure fatherly love.  In the process, and with some great music by Ben Folds, RJ sees his error and steps up to a real Dad role.  Plus… this movie has a hilariously skunky Wanda Sykes, who does an inter-species romance thing with a cat.

My contribution for the BEST Gay Dad Friendly movie of all time, however, is………………………………

1. Finding Nemo (Minus the scene before the main title)   ( 2003)     I am cheating a little.  My “best” pick is based on my own edited version of this film.  For the past 9 years, my sons have never seen the part of the movie before the titles.  I always started the movie, picked “scene selection” and went to the second panel and started it where the title “Finding Nemo” comes up.   I would recommend the same to you unless you think your children watching a mother fish and the majority of her offspring being eaten is desirable.  I didn’t.

So… for me, it is about the REST of the movie.  In my opinion, this is probably the best dad and kid movie ever made.  Single Dad Marlin has trouble not being over-protective.  His world revolves around his son, Nemo.   Nemo embarks on an adventure where he inadvertently falls from beneath Dad’s protection, but is then guided by a surrogate father,  Gil.  Nemo learns to become self actualized, and Marlin learns to let him.  The movie is weaved with parental axioms of life like “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…” to the crux moment of “ ‘He says its time to let go”  “Let go?  How do you know something terrible isn’t going to happen?”   “I…..don’t…!   ..and then, letting go to find an instant latter that you are exactly where you needed to be.

The father/child bond in the movie is complex and perfect.  My sons watched this movie literally thousands of times, and I still never tire of it.  In the end… Marlin does learn to let go, enough, and to respect his son… and he has Ellen Degeneres as a best friend.  I mean…come on…how Gay Dad is that??

So there is my “best” list…what is yours?    And lesbian Moms…  what would you like to see in a kid’s movie?

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A Gay Dad Sounds Off on Hysterical Clerics about Same Sex Marriage

Posted on September 21, 2012 by robw77

ImageI should not be surprised.  The Catholic Church has, in the past, defined gay people as “intrinsically disordered” and parents like myself as “doing violence” to our children for providing them love and a home.

So why does Seattle archbishop J. Peter Sartain’s hyperbole set my teeth chattering?

Most of us have heard all the empty ringing arguments against same sex marriage.  The play “8” draws them all out as they were presented in the California court case against proposition 8.   Intelligently.

There is nothing intelligent in Sartain’s video.  He says, “To suddenly change the God-given and time honored understanding of marriage would be a very harmful thing for our state and for the world. Should marriage be redefined in our state the very foundational nature of marriage for the good and strength of human society would be harmed beyond repair.”

All I can say to that is…. “cut the crap”.  There are so many things wrong in this brief statement… let’s count them.  Just for fun.

  1.  “to suddenly”    How is change to an institution that is constantly evolving “sudden”.  Marriage has only been done “for love” for the last hundred or so years.  Arranged marriages were the rule before that.  People of mixed races could not marry.  The marriage was not between two full members of society able to own property.  Marriage change is anything BUT “sudden”.
  2. “God-given and time honored understanding of marriage”   The Bible presents marriage between brother and sister, a man and two sisters, a king and hundreds of women and single men.  Which of these represents the G-g and t-h version?  He must mean the God-given and time honored since the 1950s version.  He should say so then.
  3. “very harmful thing for our state and for the world”.  I don’t live in Washington, so I can’t speak for the delicate balance of life there.  It seemed pretty darn sturdy on my vacations when I had the fortune to swing through.  But…”the world”?  Canada has it.  Much of the Northeast has it.   Nothing bad has happened.  So…Sartain is saying that all of a sudden (to literally quote him) WASHINGTON getting same sex marriage is THE place to harm the world.  No offense to the people I love in Washington, but I really was unaware of your huge worldly significance.
  4. “the very foundational nature of marriage for the good and strength of human society would be harmed beyond repair”  This is just a lie.  The physical qualities of people are not “foundational natures” of anything.  The nature is the spirit, principles and commitment that are being brought.  Those are not changing…they are being reinforced.  Gay families exist.  Washington allowing them to be more legally sound will only make them stronger.  Strong families will encourage more strong families… opposite sex ones.   Sartain is just out and out lying here.

It bothers me when a man of God goes hysterical like this.  The one thing I expect of him, even if I don’t agree with him, is to stand up for principles.  This kind of hysteria is dishonest… and Godless.

I really want to make a quip about him being a drama queen, but I really find it depressing to see anyone drop all the good principles they could stand for just so they can maintain their prejudice.  I’m sad.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Gay Christians, Marriage equality, Politics, Prejudice, Religion, Uncategorized, US Politics | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Celebrating My Allies

Posted on September 20, 2012 by robw77

Celebrating My Allies

LGBT people are in the minority. We always will be. Our allies are the only reason we make progress, they are our life blood. What we are given, we deserve… make no mistake about it. But I am grateful for those who step up to do the right thing when they could as easily step over us and keep on going. This poem is for the special ones in my life…and the special ones in yours.

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The Secret Marriage

Posted on September 19, 2012 by thomsense

Image

“The Secret Marriage” words and music by Sting, adapted
from a melody by Hanns Eisler

No earthly church has ever blessed our union
No state has ever granted us permission
No family bond has ever made us two
No company has ever earned commission

No debt was paid no dowry to be gained
No treaty over border land or power
No semblance of the world outside remained
To stain the beauty of this nuptial hour

The secret marriage vow is never spoken
The secret marriage never can be broken

No flowers on the altar
No white veil in your hair
No maiden dress to alter
No bible oath to swear

The secret marriage vow is never spoken
The secret marriage never can be broken

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A Gay Dad Sounds Off on Rupert Everett

Posted on September 18, 2012 by robw77

ImageSix years ago, Rupert and I shared several car rides from the bay area to upper lake county.  I listened intently as he told me of his early life, his struggles in Hollywood, and those irritating meetings with Madonna.

Ok, ok, ok.   So Rupert was not ACTUALLY in the car with me.  His voice was.  And it was coming out of the car stereo from the book on tape where he was reading his autobiography.

I did not initially have a crush on Rupert.  Years ago when I watched him in the movie  Another Country, I was barely out about my sexuality.  I did not feel attraction for him but rather identified with his character.  Both of us though, it seemed, were VERY much enamored of a young Cary Elwes..

I do not really know Rupert Everett.  I can say I know of him, and his hanging around in West Hollywood and the gay scene there.  But, I don’t know him, not a thing about him, really.

This I do know, and I can say this with absolute certainty.  My ignorance of him is NOTHING compared to his ignorance of me.  I am well assured that he is quite unaware of my existence, let alone my personality, skills, talents, manner and ability to love.

Yet, with complete and total unawareness of me on the planet, and of many others who do what I do, he feels competent to tell a reporter that there could be “nothing worse” than gay dads. (Why?)

I do not claim to be perfect in my life and in the things I do… but I can tell you that the one area that I am most focused to be the best I can be, is parenthood.  I have been told by many that I am a “great Dad” and I accept those words because I aspire to be that.

Both my sons were born to practicing drug addicts.  My eldest son was born six weeks before his due date, weighed four pounds and had heroin in his system.   My partner and I needed to alter the nipples on his bottles so that he got exactly 16oz in each feeding so that his brain would develop properly.

My younger son, who we got at a year old, had never had a bath in his life.  His mother had only wiped him down with diaper wipes.  It was not her fault, she was doing the best she could.  She shook so much from the drugs she feared that if she attempted to bathe him in water, she would drown him.

Do I think I am the “worst” alternative?  No.

Like anyone else, Mr. Everett has a right to his opinion.  I am not sure why that opinion should be given any more merit than if it had come from any other person with anti-gay bias.  Because he presumably knows how to make love to a man, he is held up in the public and the media as if he should be an expert on all gay people.  He is not.

I confess, when I saw Mr. Everett in My Best Friend’s Wedding, … my heart fluttered.  I really fell for his charisma, his wit, his charm.  I did want to know him personally.  

The reality is, I don’t know him personally, and he does not know me.

After his comments last week, as far as I am concerned, it is just fine for it to stay that way.

 

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The Reality of Rape and My Disgust of the Disbelievers

Posted on September 16, 2012 by robw77
By evoL= Guest Blogger, Wendy Lynn
ImageJust like any other morning I was reviewing links and stories on Facebook, and checking in on a page I co-own and admin Support All Gay Rights. I came across one post in particular in my newsfeed that fueled me.

The evening before I was on a Facebook page that offered an advice section, members post questions anonymously, and others comment their thoughts and opinions. This one involved a woman who is in a same-sex relationship that was raped by her girlfriend. This topic hits home for me, so I moved on, as it was nearing my bedtime and I didn’t care to fall asleep thinking about such things.

The next morning I went back to the same posting, and what was now there outraged me! There were near two hundred comments made to this woman, and dozens that read “LMAO“, “a woman can’t rape another woman”, “you asked for it”, “it was role play, don’t be a drama queen”. 
My heart began to race with anger and utter disbelief at the very words I’m reading. Instantly I’m feeling the hurt and embarrasment this victim surely is feeling!!
So I am ready to discuss this topic- RAPE, in a way I never have before. Unless people understand what it is, it will continue, and its damage will continue to feed on its victim from insensitive strangers long after the event itself took place.

Rape is not a form of sex.  It is a form of violence.  It takes a part of the person’s soul by letting them know they are alone, powerless and that their most intimate being is not theirs to control.

Rape and sexual assault occur in all sexes, to all types of people. The assertion that sparked me into writing this blog, that a woman can’t be raped by another woman, is so untrue. This woman was forced to have sex, after saying and pleading NO.

Her cries were ignored, her tears, her words, and a woman  had sex with her, against her will.  Never mind that this is a couple and they live together. Rape is Rape, and what I described before took place.  There’s no wrapping it up with a pretty little bow, and saying “well she’s your girlfriend, so she can’t have raped you”. Woman are raped by their husbands, by other women, men raped by women, Transgender persons are ridiculed and raped. When a person says “NO”, they mean “NO”! Any sexual act forced after that has been said, is rape. Let’s look at some examples that have made headlines and how the act of rape or assault is belittled.

Recently a story made headlines (ThinkProgress) where a victim had been at a local bar where she was sexually assaulted by Arizona Police Officer, Robb Gary Evans. He was later convicted of Sexual Abuse. Arizona trial Judge Jacqueline Hatch told a female victim “If you wouldn’t have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you,”.  In court, Judge Hatch said to the victim “I hope you look at what you’ve been through and try to take something positive out of it,” and went on further adding, “When you blame others, you give up your power to change,”.
In my opinion, Judge Hatch is adding to the problem of what rape and sexual assault is, that she underminded this victim, giving the message that the victim played a role of fault in this. I’m not OK with that message, and neither should you be.

Too often I’ve heard and read situations where parents are told by others that their lesbian daughter should be forced to have sex with a male until they’re straight. I’m baffled that such a thought, let alone the words that come out of peoples mouths! That tidbit came from Radio Personality Dominic Deiter, out of Cleveland Ohio. He stated to a father that suspected his daughter was gay, “You should get one of your friends to screw your daughter straight.” Hello!! What is wrong with this? This radio DJ just advocated publicly on air, the rape of an innocent girl. Are you outraged now? (Courtesy of http://www.democraticunderground.com/1014109184)

Rape occurs every single day, in our towns, neighborhoods, all over the world, and yes, even within our own families.

So why do I care?

When I was 15, I went to spend a summer in California with my Aunt and Uncle, babysitting my niece and nephew and making a few bucks.  My uncle worked at a gym and racquetball court, later was a Strength and Conditioning coach for a well known University football team, and a consultant for the Olympics. During my summer there, I confided in my trusted Uncle (he was adored by all of us nieces and nephews) that I liked girls and not boys. Over time he took me out on outings to learn to drive, a manual trans Pinto. How classy. I looked up to him, he was cool, successful and my Uncle. I trusted him. Until one day the kids and I were washing the car in the driveway, and my Uncle took me to his bedroom, and forced me to have sex with him. I tried fighting him off, I had no voice. I mean it, I didn’t utter a word, other than my sobs. After is was over, he told me, “You’re not a lesbian, I just proved that. If you tell anyone in our family, you will be the black sheep“. For years I’ve carried that day with me.

My rapist took my virginity, my innocence, and my voice.

He made me to feel at fault, he was a 33 year old man and I was a 15 year old girl, his niece. He raped me. To add insult to injury, when I did in fact tell my family, they didn’t believe me. Later I confronted my Uncle, in email, he owned up to it, telling me “God forgave him“, I sent that very email to my family as proof. To this day, for reasons beyond me, my family still is in contact with him. I haven’t seen him in 20 years, nor do I ever plan to.

This is far from easy for me to share with my readers, I felt compelled to, because I didn’t have anyone in my corner.  I’m sure that a few members of my family will be enraged that I’ve even shared this with you. It’s not their story to be told, it’s MY story, it happened to me, not them.

When people demean, belittle or dismiss an act of rape, they are putting the fault on the victim, it compounds the act of violence a victim has endured. That is as agonizing as the assault itself.

Rape happens. Rape is real. It happened to me.

Rape often goes unreported. There is a mentality  of disbelief, misguided as it is, it’s still happening. Stop blaming the victim.  Start punishing the rapists. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
At the very least, you have the power to be kind, caring, compassionate. Words can hurt or they can help the healing start.

Be a healer.

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Image by Ono Kono

Posted in Civil Rights, Family, Living, Prejudice, US Politics | Tagged , , , | 43 Comments

Mothers Tell Your Children

Posted on September 16, 2012 by robw77

Good Signs Sunday

Mothers tell your children ...

All Good Signs Sunday graphics are free to pass around, or post on your web site or blog.
Image by Ono Kono

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A Gay Dad Sounds Off on Linda Harvey’s Propaganda Pamphlet for Kids

Posted on September 15, 2012 by robw77
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A Gay Dad Sounds Off on Linda Harvey’s Propaganda Pamphlet for Kids

“No, no, no…. Not on my watch…”

That was my response when I saw that Linda Harvey, with her band of flying monkeys known as Mission America, was sweeping down from her broomstick to playgrounds near you, distributing her anti-gay propaganda for children.

Yes.  For children.

Her exact words to her minions, “”Have you wished you could find a simple flyer for your older grade school or middle school children about homosexuality? Well, Mission America has developed one. It’s clear, concise and provides a beginning basis for a more in-depth study later on. You can read and download it below. Feel free to print this as needed and give to your children, grandchildren, or your church group.”    The propaganda piece has been since removed from Harvey’s site.

What makes this particularly ironic is that Ms.  Harvey, she of “don’t take your kids to gay doctors” and “fire gay teachers” fame, has deplored the idea of taking ideology to children directly.  She has stated, ““Ever wonder what it would be like to re-create the world in your own image? Homosexual activists aren’t wondering–they’re doing it, and children are the tools”

And ““Kids should not be put in the confusing position of having a teacher they like and respect in many ways who’s also known to be practicing homosexual behavior. Of course that’s where many of our children in public schools today find themselves because the National Education Association not only allows but applauds and defends openly homosexuality and even transvestite teachers …”

“The fact is that no homosexuality should be in our schools, period. When people leave that behavior behind, then they might be qualified for a job involving children. Out and proud homosexuals should not have jobs that involve children. I know that’s not the current policy in many schools but it should be.”

I guess she deplores it unless she is the one doing it.

So.  Fine.  If she wants to do battle on the playground, let’s rumble.

Here is my counter program information sheet.  Please feel free to print this out and hand it to any child you see holding a copy of Ms. Harvey’s version.

What does it mean to be “gay”?  And what in the world is homophobia? 

Questions and Answers for Christian Kids

You have probably heard the term “gay”.  What does it mean?

It isn’t complicated.  It means when a man falls in love with another man, or a woman falls in love with another woman.  Almost all medical experts will tell you that people are just born that way.  Even Lady Gaga says so.

What is “homophobia”?  It sounds like a gnarly disease.  And it kind of is.  It is when someone is SO bent out of shape about gay people that they try to hurt them, or treat them unfairly or badly.  Strangely, people who are afraid of gay people will call others “gay” to show how not gay they themselves are.  Or are not.  Funny thing is, the more they do that, the more everyone thinks that they ARE secretly gay.  It’s weird.

So… does that mean that being “gay” is right?  Being gay or being “straight” are neither wrong nor right.  They just are.  Being a nice gay person or a nice straight person is what is important.

So… is being homophobic ok too?   Naw, not really.  People who are afraid of others or put others down make life miserable.  They want to make everyone the same as them and they will claim things like “Long ago people decided this…” or that they personally know what God intended.  They don’t.  But they will try to make other people unhappy while they try to prove that they do.  They claim to know what all cultures have believed, but they ignore ones that believed other things.  Did you know that there have been cultures that were mostly same gender couples, and ones where one man had lots of wives?  There were.  None of the past cultures were perfect.  Far from it.  So that is why we were given the gift of thought—to think out what is best for our culture today and make it fair for everyone.

Does the Bible say being gay is bad?    No.  It really doesn’t.   Someday, you should read the whole Bible and find out what it said the laws should be at different times in history.    The Bible was written by over 900 authors over a thousand some years.  Some of its laws are barbaric, and some are inspired…like   “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.  There are stories in the Bible that people use to try and say gay people are bad.  The people in those stories are trying to beat up angels or gorging themselves in a big Roman orgy..they are not anything like gay people you know.  That is how people try to work the Bible though.  If I wanted to, I could use it to prove the earth was flat, that slavery was OK, that tattoos are sins, that boys can’t have long hair and that girls should never wear jewelry.  None of us believe those things.  Here is something from the Bible you can believe (Hebrews 8), it tells us that God’s covenant… His law and contract  with us… is written on our “hearts and minds”.  That means, don’t read from a book as if it is a book of spells, look to your own heart and mind.   And that is what you should do about gay people.

Does the Bible say being homophobic is bad?   Yes, it does.  Many, many times.   Even Jesus said that people should not be homophobic.  But homophobic people do not want to hear that.   You know how they are…

What about bullying?   Always wrong.  Remember that thing about “do unto others” and looking deep in your heart and your mind?  Bullying damages other kids and they might never get over it. Ever.  If you stand by and let someone get bullied, look out, you may be next.  Being mean is not cool, it is cowardly.

Sometimes you might think that the person being bullied “deserves it”.  They may seem unattractive to you for some reason or act goofy, or act as if they don’t like you.   It does not matter.  You can’t know what has happened to them and the best thing you can do for them or anyone is to reach out… be a friend… and make their lives better.

It is not even OK to bully a homophobic person.  Just feel sorry for them.  As Jesus said, “They know not what they do.”

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Good Christians and strange fruit

Posted on September 15, 2012 by kzottarelli

I went back to college this year. That is both good and bad. It’s good because I love to learn and my classes are great, even my math class is better than I expected. It’s bad because I have a very hectic life, with a seven year old daughter, a grown son,( who is out on his own) two dogs, a husband and a hundred year old house we are trying to remodel, so saying I’m exhausted most of the time is an understatement. None the less, here I am a very excited college student.

In my Social Problems class today we talked about the usual ills of society, prepped for an exam, turned in a critique of an article and watched a video. The video was about a Billie Holiday song called “Strange Fruit”, which she recorded in 1939. It is about lynching, here are the lyrics…

Southern trees bear strange fruit
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees

Pastoral scene of the gallant south
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop
Here is a strange and bitter crop

And of course being a video there were images showing what was being sung. Throughout the video they talked about how Billie Holiday came to record it but what was so haunting was how they explained the lynching. When they told how they didn’t have to be guilty of anything just accused, but simply because of the color of their skin, they were hung. And how, depending on what the accusation was it also could dictate the extent of abuse that came with the hanging. A rape could mean their genitals were cut off, they could be gutted or burned, and all while they were still alive, then they were hung. This, more often than not, was done in front of a crowd. Men, women and even children would be present, and they were happy. They were happy because the man or boy hanging was “less than human” and getting what he deserved. How all these “good Christians” carried this out in the name of God and then went home had their dinners, scratched the dog behind the ear and felt “just”. Good Christians? Those two words, they stabbed my heart. I’m a good Christian.

During the class discussion that followed everyone agreed how horribly brutal and wrong this was. All I could think was how some of those same phrases and circumstances are still being played out today, only in terms of our gay community. They are referred to as abominations. They are taunted, bullied, denied rights…all by sign wielding crowds of cheering “good Christians”.

When the discussion finally worked its way around to me I was so hurt, angry and heartbroken I almost couldn’t speak. What I did manage to get out through a clenched jaw and tears, was that these lynching’s and the hate that was put upon blacks was FEAR! Fear of people that were different, that this fear of an imagined loss of power and control was the same fear and hate given to our gay community today. That somehow acknowledging that they are people, just like everyone else; these “good Christians” would somehow lose something. I told my class how angry and hurt I am. That nowhere, with the Christ I have in my heart, is any of this justified, not then and certainly not in 2012.

My anger is as a Christian. DO NOT use my gentle, loving Christ to justify hate, judgments and violence. And as I sat with tears running down my cheeks I thought about the people I have in my life. My friends, family members are all loving, kind, compassionate, talented, amazing people. People I love dearly and would lay down my life for, some of who just happen to be gay.

I know this isn’t to the same extent as it was during those horrific times; we aren’t lynching gays in the town square or out in a field or from the poplar trees. But I also know that it makes no difference to Matthew Shepard’s family that it was a fence and not a tree, the agonizing result was the same.

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Posted in Civil Rights, Living, Prejudice, Religion | 23 Comments

Evolution of an Ally

Posted on September 14, 2012 by allydavidstevens

Friends

Gay people used to make me really nervous. I haven’t always been an ally. I was around gay people all the time without knowing it (most notably my younger brother), but for many years being around someone who was out definitely put me on edge.

Growing up, I didn’t have much contact with people who were out, so LGBTQs existed mostly as an idea, a caricature, and a catch-all playground insult. Certainly “fag” was hurled back and forth between us boys multiple times a day, a barely understood implication being that of insufficient masculinity. As we entered adolescence, it became far worse for boys who had the misfortune of actually displaying any gay tendencies, and it was a matter of survival to distance oneself from any such individuals or behaviors.

I think that the turning began for me when I was a freshman in high school. I was a part-time theater kid, and one of the full-timers was a boy from my neighborhood who I had known peripherally for years. It seemed clear that he was gay, some of my other friends made comments about him, and he took his share of flak. But, we had interesting conversations, he was a cool guy. He introduced me to the Pixies, a musical experience for which I owe him a lifetime of gratitude.

I remember once we were walking home from school together and a carful of guys drove by. One of them opened his window and spat on my friend. He stood there, looked down at himself where he’d been spat upon, and said, “Thank you!” in an incredulous and hurt tone. I didn’t fully grasp that he had just been gay bashed, but I wasn’t completely blind to it, either. I knew without question that this was bullying. I knew without question that this was wrong. Although he appeared to brush the event off quickly, I was hurt and embarrassed for my friend.

My vigilant parents had helped to instill values that gave me a strong sense of the importance of racial equality.  My self-concept as a social progressive was developing, and it naturally occurred to me that the same respect and protections should be extended to gays and lesbians. As more and more science publicly emerged revealing sexual preference to be an inborn characteristic, not a choice, I became firm in my conviction.

I began to speak out on the subject, wearing a, “Homophobia is a Social Disease” shirt on the closing night of a school play, even going so far as to publicly challenge a Republican Congressional candidate at a benefit luncheon. I was growing into my role as an ally.

At that time, however, I had a little unresolved issue regarding gay men: I didn’t want to have sex with a man, and I didn’t want a man to force himself on me. I worried that this made me less of an ally. My friend Danielle helped me to put this in perspective. She said something like, “I do like sex with men, but I don’t want a man to force himself on me, either.” Ah, so wanting my own boundaries respected did not make me homophobic. Cool.

I still didn’t really know any gay people.

However, my friend Dave did. He had a group of friends who were a few years older than us, and among them was a guy named Jeff who was out and proud. I started hanging out with Dave’s friends, and before long, there was a gathering and Jeff showed up.

I was nervous. I didn’t want Jeff to receive anything other than total acceptance from me, but I also didn’t want to send any mixed signals. I felt awkward. But I think I did okay, and over time Jeff and I became friends. And he never hit on me.

Over the years, men have hit on me, both overtly and covertly. I’ve had friends tell me after the fact that they’d been sending me vibes as a test, I’ve had men tell people close to me that they were hoping I’d give it a try with them. These experiences helped me learn how to be clear in my boundaries, how to be clear about what I want and what I don’t want.

When I’m clear in myself, I send clear signals to others, and clear signals are understood. When I’m understood, I can relax and be comfortable, whoever I am with. I don’t even have to say anything in particular.

It’s taken me over 20 years of intention and attention to achieve this level of comfort with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters, but it’s easy now. I can even joke with some gay friends in ways that might’ve made me profoundly nervous way back when.

Becoming an ally isn’t necessarily easy or natural. It takes some time and some adjustment. It takes a little work.

It’s worth it. There are few greater satisfactions than knowing that you are helping to advance the civil rights battle of our time. And the company is grand!

As I said, unbeknownst to me, my younger brother was gay. The single most meaningful step in my evolution was the day that he realized I was a safe person, and came out to me himself. That is another story, and I plan on sharing it with you soon. Stay tuned.

Posted in Family, Prejudice | 10 Comments